Unexpected
by NoCapeNoCrown
Summary: Olivia fell in love unexpectedly. Can Elliot pick her up from the fall? O, E/O
1. Chapter 1

**I wrote this EO story quite a while ago on under NtEsyBnGrn. I was pretty pleased how it turned out so I thought I would post it here for you guys. I'm giving each chapter a read over and then posting. So there will be 25 chapters coming one after the other tonight. **

**And those reading "You Need Me" I hope to have a chapter to you asap! **

**Thanks! - M**

**Unexpected (MA)**

**Olivia unexpectedly fell in love. Can Elliot pick her up from the fall?**

Chapter 1 - Patterns

The elevator to his apartment was dimly lit at 2am.

Her clinched eyes burst open when she felt her body hit against the elevator wall. She was pulling the zipper to his jeans undone, letting him press in to her. She looked up to the watchful eye of the security camera staring back... In a moment's time, she went from embarrassed to hoping she was putting on a good show for someone to get off on.

She was alive, she was forgetful.

He impatiently pushed her shirt and then her bra out of his way to gain access to her breasts. One hand held her right breast while he devoured her left in his mouth. He relentlessly sucked hard, tugging at her swollen nipple between his teeth as he muttered something about how great her breast were.

The pain was good.

Or at least what she felt of it.

The elevator door opened and they both made a drunken stumble, their lips only disconnecting to reach for another inch of skin.

Everything thoughtless and reckless.

He nearly fucked her in the hallway before he could open the door to his apartment. She didn't care either way.

Stumbling, messy… She didn't care.

They made it to the other side of the door before he was pushing her jeans down her thighs and tugging at her panties. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard" he said with his lips against the lobe of her ear. She responded by allowing just enough space between them to release his throbbing dick from his briefs. She wanted to come right then, get it over with, feel pleasure over pain.

"Condom?" he panted

Sex with a stranger, sex with a stranger.

At least a responsible enough, stranger.

"Condom" she confirmed.

He continued to kiss her frantically as he guided her towards his bed. No assessment of who he was, or where he lived, or even what bed she had just fallen in to. She never thought twice, She barely thought at all. She laid there, her legs open; waiting for him impatiently as he pulled a condom on as fast as his own fumbling, drunken hands would allow. Seconds later he was fucking her brains out as promised. He was deep inside her…

She needed someone deep inside her and she didn't care who.

This wasn't love. This was sex.

Just sex.

She was alive, she was forgetful.

She awoke to the sound of familiar sirens in an unfamiliar place.

The grey light seeping through the single bedroom window hinted to what would be a dreary day. Her eyes suddenly wide to the sight of the unfamiliarity around her, her memory blurred. She looked to her left at a man lying naked beside her. She looked down to see that she too was naked.

This had become her pattern.

A pattern to sooth what she couldn't sooth on her own anymore.

She stared at the ceiling. His name? God what was his name? She was sure she never asked. Remain nameless, easier to forget.

She looked back at the man with no name and did her best to slither out of bed unnoticed. She bolted before she could clearly plan her escape. Her clothes scattered. She eyed her jeans, shirt, bra, panties…

Where were her panties? "Shit!" she mumbled under her breath.

"Hi" he said rustling under the sheets. His voice was calm. "Where are you going?"

"I have to go, I have to be at work at seven…" She lied, and then quickly regretted mentioning her job, praying he suddenly wouldn't become interested in who she was.

She gathered her clothes and got dressed… no panties.

"I really enjoyed last night," he said, grinning.

"Me too" she said, or at least she thinks she did and tried to give a smile.

"Can I call you?"

Men and their attachments.

"Yeah, yeah" she said not sure she was even processing his question, much less assuring that he had her phone number.

He didn't take his eyes off of her. He watched her get dressed, he watched her fumble.

She said goodbye quickly hoping he wouldn't question if she knew his name or if she even remembered any details of their meeting.

She turned for the elevator he had felt her up in only hours before. He didn't follow her. She got on the elevator and closed her eyes, suddenly realizing her head was pounding.

The sound the elevator made as it passed each floor irritated her. She hadn't noticed that obnoxious sound last night, but who would have she guessed.

She looked up at the security camera, she thought about the persistent beep. She thought about how the last few hours played out. She thought about how she had gone out again, drank again, how she had sex with a stranger again.

She showered, her head pounded.

The reality of the night before weighed heavy on her mind, but washed away easily off her body.

She stood under the spray a minute longer regaining her will to move, then finally pressed her feet on to the plush bath mat.

There she was naked. Clothes strewn on the bathroom floor, remnants of last night in a puddle around her.

There she was naked, in more ways than one.

She looked to the bathroom mirror. She stared back at her dark eyes and traced the lines that had set in around them, as water streaked down her skin. She looked at the breasts 'what's his name' so greatly admired. She ran her hands across her nipples and then down her stomach, touching herself as if she was making sure the body in the mirror was hers. Her stomach was smooth, flat. any sign of swelling was gone. She caught herself and where her palm rested against her stomach. She took a deep breath and interrupted her own pity party as her stomach grumbled under her palm.

Food. She needed food.

She was unsure of when she had eaten last, only knowing it was sometime the day before.

She dried herself quickly and slipped on a pair of panties before making her way to the kitchen. Coffee was what her brain processed first. She looked in the refrigerator as the coffee brewed and closed it quickly remembering the box of cereal left in the cabinet above. She opened the box and dug her hand down in to the dry cereal and gave herself the pathetic speech. The speech where she told herself she was a grown woman and dry cereal with no milk, or the black coffee because she had no cream was pathetic. No eggs, no bread, nothing.

Black coffee. Dry cereal.

She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down on the couch with her cereal. She turned the TV on wondering what people watched in the morning when they didn't have to hustle off to work. Maybe she could watch the show that taught you how to cook one of those 30 minute meals? She grinned slightly amused by herself. At this point, she didn't give a shit about a 30 minute meal much less have anyone who would eat it.

A shiver ran through her, and chill bumps spread across her body. She was suddenly aware that she was still naked. There was a t-shirt lying on the back of the couch, it would do for her days attire. Nowhere to be, no one to impress.

One more handful of cereal before she abandoned the box on the coffee table.

Her phone rang. She reached for it looking to see "El" on the screen. She laid the phone on the table letting it continue to ring. Finally the phone stopped ringing and seconds later her daily voicemail appeared.

She hadn't spoken to Elliot in weeks. She never set foot back in to the precinct after that day. The day, he stared at her with pity, the day he gripped her hand as the pain rushed through her heart and her body. The day that he was there for her to the end.

The end.

She hadn't seen him since.

He called at least once a day and for the first two weeks he had stood outside her door at some point in the day begging to see her. He still called, leaving voicemails that usually ended with how he wouldn't give up on her.

But she couldn't do it. She couldn't answer his calls or answer the door.

She couldn't… not then, maybe not anymore.

Elliot was the person who brought her home, Elliot was the person who tucked her in to bed, Elliot was the person she begged to leave her alone.

Days after she was left alone, Olivia couldn't rationalize anything. What had happened, her job, her relationship with Elliot.

Weeks after, Olivia thought if Elliot knew how she had lost control he would judge her, he would then take pity on her, he would try to fix her. But she didn't want to pitied or fixed.

She laid down on the couch, turning on her side, facing the back of the couch away from her phone. Olivia closed her eyes and embraced herself. She thought if she could sleep away the day, the sounds the bustling city, she could sleep away the pain and loneliness, and regrets she had too.

This had become her pattern.

**Next… Ch. 2 Partners**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - Partners**

Her desk was empty.

Her personal pictures still sat there in their frames, her favorite pens still stored neatly in an old coffee cup, her sweater hung on the back of her chair...

Her desk was empty.

The paperwork had been cleared off her desk and shifted to Elliot and Munch. No lukewarm coffee, no glare of her lamp conflicting with his own computer screen, no slight hint of vanilla.

No life, no Olivia.

No one made a joke about Elliot's mood in her absence. It wasn't his fault she had left.

Everyone knew why she had. Why one day she was there, with her sharp wit, her infinite knowledge, her compassion… and then she was gone. It was no laughing matter why.

It wasn't his fault.

"Elliot… my office."

Cragen's expression didn't waiver as Elliot was up and making his way towards his Captain's office.

"Sit"

Elliot followed his orders and anticipated what he was about to tell him.

Cragen sat at the edge of his desk and braced himself for the fallout.

Elliot was never easy.

Especially when it came to Olivia, he was never easy.

"El, I thought you should know I've put word out that I'm looking for you a new partner."

Elliot's eyes froze on Cragen's.

Piercing blue eyes and a flaring temper.

"What? Why? She'll come back. She just needs time and you said so yourself she has personal time and…"

Elliot rambled.

No bullying out of this one.

"Elliot… She's not coming back."

"Yes she will, just let her have…"

"Elliot! She sent in her letter of resignation this morning. She doesn't want to come back."

Stupid boy.

Elliot was sure Cragen had just pulled his gun on him and shot him right in the chest.

He couldn't breath.

He waited for the blood to start seeping through his wrinkled dress shirt. If there were no Olivia there, who would save him?

Silence and then Elliot's own version of a hissy fit.

"This is bullshit Captain! She's not thinking straight! Did you talk to her?"

"She left a message, said she would send her letter this morning and apologized for not being able to do it in person."

"Why can't she do it in person? Why didn't she? This isn't like her Captain. This isn't like her. SVU is her life…"

"Elliot we both know what happened, and it can…"

"But she wouldn't just leave SVU. She would leave me for being a bastard in a heartbeat, but not her job…"

He could rationalize this.

"She resigned Elliot. She said she couldn't do it anymore. I have to respect her wishes and let her go."

"She's my partner."

Pouting boy.

Cragen looked at him with sympathy. He knew Olivia and Elliot weren't just partners. He actually didn't want to know the extent of what they were to each other, but he knew this was killing Elliot.

"She isn't anymore. I'll have your new partner assigned to you as soon as possible."

Rip the Band Aid off as quickly as possible.

Elliot just sat there defeated. His argument was invalid.

"El, just keep trying to talk to her…"

"She won't! She won't talk to me. She won't answer my calls, my texts, she won't open the door…"

"She will eventually…"

Elliot stood up quickly, his eyes burning, his jaw clenching.

"I need a lunch break. I'll be back."

"Elliot think before… " His Captain warned as Elliot slammed the door behind him and made his way out of the precinct.

She was his partner.

+++

Elliot pounded on her door.

He knew she was in there from the faint sound of the TV.

"Olivia, please open the door," he said, trying to be calm.

Nothing.

"Olivia, damn it… you're my partner!" he paused as his forehead dug in to her front door. "Cragen said you resigned…" A lump in his throat. "Olivia please, please just talk to me about this…"

Nothing.

Elliot pounded on her door once again.

"Hey buddy!" Elliot swung his head sharply to the round-bellied man down the hall. "Give it up already! We're tired of you confessin' your lovey dovey shit to her door! Shut the hell up!"

Reality

Elliot clinched the hand that he had been pressed against her door in to a fist.

"Olivia, I won't give up on you." He said a bit quieter, but still hoping she could hear him. "Olivia please."

Elliot took two steps away from the door, giving just a second more incase the door burst open.

It didn't.

No fairytale endings here.

Olivia stood on the other side of the door, biting nervously at her thumbnail.

She heard him. She had heard every word.

Tears were streaming down her face. She couldn't open the door. She had to leave him on the other side.

Elliot was right, they were partners, but she had cut the cord that bound them together. For better or for worse, at gunpoint, silent treatments, being in sync, sometimes too in sync… she cut the cord.

She swiped at her tears and stepped away from the door, hoping that Elliot had given up and was no longer on the other side.

Scuffling her bare feet across the hard wood floor, she made her way to the kitchen.

She poured the last of the Vodka she had left sitting on the counter in to a glass. No second thoughts before her face clinched as the warm liquid ran through her.

Another swallow and another until the glass was empty.

Until her partner was gone.

+++

Elliot stood on the street outside of her apartment building. He looked left, then right, unsure of what direction to take. Turn left and he would be back to the precinct, take a right and he could at least circle the block before he had to stare at her empty desk again.

Right.

He needed more time.

This had been a shit year.

He had signed divorce papers, added two more college tuitions to his belt, lost his partner, and since she had disappeared off the face of the earth he assumed he had lost his best friend too.

Elliot walked past the corner market, grabbing an empty box from a stack on the sidewalk, that were for the taking.

Saying his relationship with Olivia was complicated was an understatement. And it had been complicated for years. When he first met her, he wondered how long she would be his partner; he wondered how long she would last dealing with Special Victims. She was smart and undoubtedly easy on the eyes, but he questioned just how tough she was. Even when Kathy commented what a "looker" Olivia was after their first meeting, Elliot dismissed the comment with his own comments of his uncertainty that she could handle the job and she that wouldn't last long.

Twelve years had passed and he now was certain that Olivia Benson was stronger than he ever would be. Also, in twelve years Elliot Stabler had unintentionally fallen for Olivia Benson. At first it was admiration, a partnership, trust for each other. Then it was guns to the head, separation anxiety, a marriage falling apart and jealousy…

And then the new chapter of dating "the lawyer". Elliot referred to Walker as "the lawyer" rather than by his first name. Olivia had immediately fallen for Walker. He was a handsome, well-educated, successful man that met her while they both sat and waited on a bench outside of a courtroom. She said hello and he charmed her from there. Elliot hated him. He hated even more he couldn't find anything wrong with him. Anything other than he was dating and sleeping with Olivia. But she was happy. Walker understood her profession and he seemed to be just what the doctor ordered when it came to making her forget said profession.

Elliot was divorced and Olivia was in love with another man.

Add to the list of complications.

Add to his list of why he was having a shit year.

By the time he had made it back to the precinct, word had spread that Elliot was getting a new partner and that she wasn't coming back.

Fin and Munch both without comment waited for the infamous rage of Elliot Stabler upon his return. Instead, he walked in silently and stood in front of her desk with a box decorated with cartoon tomatoes by his side.

Munch and Fin both tried not to stare when he sat the box down on top of her desk.

Elliot took a deep breath to steady him self.

He began to place the picture frames inside the box. Her personal belongings, an uneaten dark chocolate candy bar, arts and craft that little kids had made her year after year to thank her, all piled in to the box, and finally her sweater with the last hint of her vanilla perfume scooped up and thrown on top of the now over flowing box.

Her desk was empty.

And so was Elliot.

Next... Ch. 3 - Revelations


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 - Revelations**

It had been days since Elliot left the contents of her desk outside her door.

No knock, no effort to see her, no pleading.

What was physically left of their partnership, he left abandoned and unguarded by her door.

He hoped Cragen was right eventually she would want to talk to him and see him again.

Eventually.

Darkness had already fallen on the city when Elliot unburied himself from his paperwork. Well before quitting time he had decided a barstool and a beer would occupy his Friday night and hopefully his brain.

He walked several blocks to a corner bar that he and Olivia would frequent, when he would give her a ride home after hard day.

Reaching the corner bar Elliot searched for an empty barstool in the already crowded room.

His eyes scanned the crowd.

The usuals were there.

The overworked, the drunks, the singles... and her.

Her.

There she was.

Lost and of all places, found.

He couldn't move, and he couldn't take his eyes off of her.

His mind was quickly conflicted with how desperately he missed her, and the sight of a stranger running his hands up past the hemline of the emerald green dress she was wearing.

What was she doing?

This wasn't Olivia.

She was drunk, and the guy touching her didn't care that her words were slurred and that her beautiful eyes were half open. She was just some drunk woman in a bar that he could take advantage of.

Elliot felt the scowl on his face as he stared. He wanted to know why, why she would do this, why she didn't mind letting her body be on display like it was, why she didn't mind a strangers hands touching her inappropriately?

Elliot watched as the guy tried to kiss her, and then he watched as she diverted her mouth from his.

Not deterred, the guy nibbled at her neck… She let him.

This wasn't Olivia.

He watched her flirt, he watched her take another sip of her drink and when she thought no one was looking, she looked to be in utter pain.

She sat there and let all of this happen. She knew what she was doing, she wanted to punish herself.

She was letting a stranger touch her.

She didn't care. She didn't care.

This wasn't Olivia.

His concentration broke when she stood up, staggering a bit. He watched as she rocked from the tips of her wine colored toes to her ridiculously high heels. The guy now stood beside her. He had enough decency to help steady her, but not enough decency to not take advantage of her.

Elliot swallowed hard, his heart racing.

They were now walking unavoidably towards him.

Elliot braced himself before she saw him. No time to escape, much less hide. He knew this would not go over well, whatever the coincidence it was that they happen to be in the same bar.

Olivia looked up, and there he was standing there.

She was stunned to say the least.

His tense jaw, his glaring stare all dually noted even for a drunk.

Olivia quickly got angry that he was there. This was her bar, her neighborhood, not his.

No avoidance.

Head on collision.

She looked at Elliot, suddenly trying to focus, trying to sober herself.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Elliot never once looked her up and down. He never once raised his brow to how short her dress was or even gawk at her breast like other men in the bar had. He just looked at her right in the eyes. And she unavoidably looked back at him.

She wanted to disappear. She was begging God or whoever was out there to please just let her disappear.

The guy looked back and forth between Elliot and Olivia and their reaction to each other.

Olivia felt the guy remove his hand from her back and suddenly she felt completely unprotected, not that the guy would have been any help up against Elliot. She wanted to cry, or fight. She wasn't completely sure which.

"Is this your husband?" The guy accused, already intimidated by Elliot's bruiting stance.

Olivia stood there for a moment as if she didn't hear the question and then she grinned and gave a slow breathy laugh, "no".

One simple calculated word.

"Where are you going?" Elliot said finally speaking. He knew the question would piss her off, because she knew, he knew where she was going. She only glared at him once again, hoping looks could kill.

"Hey look if you two have something going on I'm outta here." The guy said backing away from them.

"How about you stay here and we'll be outta here." Elliot said with his chest raised.

I am Elliot. I am man.

"Look she didn't tell me she had a husband or boyfriend or whatever. I'm out."

The guy was gone. Just like that.

Baited and then off the hook.

So much for that one night stand.

"Fuck you!" She said dryly as she tried steadying herself once again.

"Missed you too" Elliot spat back.

She quickly left Elliot standing there.

Elliot of course followed her out on to the street.

"Liv!"

"Go away Elliot."

Elliot took a deep breath of the cool night air.

"Liv what are you doing?"

"Leave me alone!" She yelled, frustrated.

"Leave you alone? I haven't seen you in weeks! And you were about to go home with some douche bag stranger…"

"Yes Elliot that was the idea. I was about to get fucked, but then you showed up!" She turned away quickly and then back to him. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I was just getting a beer."

Innocent enough.

"In my neighborhood?"

Ok, not so innocent.

Olivia turned from him again, not waiting for his response. She started walking towards her apartment.

Take left, walk straight. Try and not stumble.

"Liv?"

"Damn it Elliot, please go away!"

He followed her.

"I'm sorry… Liv, I'm sorry. It's just that guy, he had his hands all over you, and you're drunk, and I don't know what's going on with you…"

She stopped walking, turning back to him.

"Since when do you get a say so in how much I drink and who I sleep with, or have to know every move I make. I am not your responsibility."

"You're not my responsibility, but you are my partner and my best friend, and I'm not going to let you go home drunk with some sleazy guy like that!"

"Sleazy" she repeated amused, her eyes then looking away until her comeback, "and by the way I'm not your partner!"

Sucker punched.

Right to the gut.

He could play too.

"I bet you don't even know the guys name!" He fumed.

Olivia let out a breathy laugh. "You're right I don't. And I don't care what his name is. I just wanted to fuck. You get it? Who's the sleaze now?"

"Liv!" he said apologetically. "Liv, I just need to know if you were ok and seeing you with that guy..."

"Can we just not do this?" Olivia interrupted. "I'm tired, I'm going home."

"I want to walk you home, I don't want you walking alone."

"I walk alone everyday," she snapped back.

Truth

"Will you please just appease me? Liv, I haven't seen you or talked to you in weeks..."

A losing battle and a buzz kill.

Ditching Elliot wasn't happening.

They walked half the way to her apartment before Olivia spoke to him again.

"I'm sorry I haven't answered the door, or returned your calls..."

Fuck Olivia! She scolded herself the moment it came out of her mouth.

Elliot stopped walking.

"No one has seen you in weeks."

He keeps repeating the same thing.

She swallowed hard and tried to fight the tears that were welling up in her eyes.

Such a fucking girl.

"I needed… I needed time ok?"

She stopped, looking up at Elliot, studying the look on his face. He looked hurt, even scared.

"I know Liv, I know… but you can't just disappear like that… not from me. Do you know how worried I've been about you?"

She felt nauseous.

"I think I'm going to be sick."

The fine line between drunk and starting to sober.

"You wanna sit for a second or walk?"

"Walk… I need to lie down."

Elliot reached around her, holding her closer to steady her steps.

His hands touching her, the heat of his hands bleeding through the material of her dress.

It was the first thing she had truly felt in weeks.

And she hated it.

She suddenly felt more nauseous and it had nothing to do with the alcohol.

When they reached her door, Olivia tried to protest once again about him being there with her, but then she broke down when she couldn't get her key to cooperate with her blurred vision.

Elliot opened the door and she sailed past him to the bathroom and he instantly heard her drop the contents of her stomach in to the toilet.

He followed her in to the bathroom, quickly gathering her hair in his hands.

God, she hated him.

She wanted him to just go away.

"El, leave me alone. Please… you can't be here."

He didn't let go of her hair.

Olivia pushed her way from the toilet and stumbled before she could stand. Elliot grabbed hold of her suddenly, almost bear hugging her.

He couldn't just let go of her now.

His arms wrapped tightly around her, neither said a word.

His mind raced. She felt smaller, thinner, and her hair seemed longer. It seemed that a months time had brought drastic changes to her.

She let him hold her for just a moment. She let herself have the pleasure of filling up the space inside her that missed him, and when she had enough comfort she then pulled away.

With great effort, she pulled herself up from her knees that now bore the outline of the grout of the floor tile.

"I need to lie down," she said, leaving him there.

Olivia, this wasn't Olivia.

"I'm going to get you some water ok?"

She didn't answer only made her way to her bed.

Elliot walked to the kitchen noticing his surrounding. Everything seemed out of place. Clothes scattered on the floor, dirty glasses on the coffee table, the counter, the sink. He opened the cabinet for another glass only to find it empty. He spotted a glass already on the counter of what he thought was water. He soon realized it was vodka. He rinsed the glass and then filled it with water.

Curiosity made him open her refrigerator.

More vodka, tequila, olives...

He closed the refrigerator realizing he hadn't taken a breath.

Elliot picked up the glass of water and made his way towards her bedroom.

She was lying there, stripped down to her bra and panties.

Her emerald green dress discarded.

Her arms and legs strewn about on her bed.

Alcohol made her not care.

He could have never admitted it, but he had many a night when he thought about her lying in bed, seeing the peaks of her breast, the curve of her stomach, her thighs… but tonight he was heartbroken by the sight of her.

Every line, every curve… she was still stunning. She was so beautiful.

He was heartbroken.

He sat the glass down on the bedside table and placed her legs one by one, and then the rest of her body under her comforter. He wanted to shield her from his own perverted eyes, from the world. And he knew she would be mortified if she knew he saw her this way.

He sat beside her on the bed for a moment watching her as he let his hands brush against the side of her face and down her neck. His touch suddenly felt like ice to her burning skin. He studied her face, the dark circles under her eyes. Elliot was piecing the last couple of weeks of her life together. Piecing together the hell she was purposely putting herself through.

He sat down in the chair across from her bed and watched her sleeping restlessly. "God Olivia," he said aloud wondering what was going on in that head of hers. He wondered just what she had done to punish herself, to punish her body in the last few weeks?

+++  
She awoke to the smell of coffee. She couldn't remember the last time she woke to the smell of coffee.

She sat up wincing at the pounding in her head and the taste in her mouth.

The loss of her comforter revealed she was wearing only her bra and panties. She thought of Elliot in the next room. "Fucking mess," she muttered referring to herself.

Her teeth brushed, she slid on a t-shirt and pajama pants she found thrown over the chair.

A little more appropriate than her previous attire.

She watched him as he stood there. She watched as his bare feet pressed in to the tile of her kitchen floor. She watched as he was tentative to his task at hand.

For a fleeting moment she wondered if this is what it would be like, if this is what normal people did on Saturday morning. Normal people that had it all.

"Hi"

Her voice was weak.

Elliot turned to look at her.

She felt small.

She felt her hands fidgeting.

He fell asleep judging her, he woke up judging. She could feel it.

Fucking mess.

"I went to the market, made you breakfast, pancakes, something to soak up the alcohol." He said as his eyes made contact with her protruding hipbone that peeked out from her low-slung pajama pants.

"Thanks" She said quietly as she gently sat in a chair at the table, trying not to disrupt her world.

"You had no food in your apartment."

"Don't cook much."

She instantly regretted her comeback.

"And by the looks of you, you haven't eaten much."

Olivia shifted in her chair and tugged at her t-shirt.

She was fidgeting again.

"Liv, we need to talk…"

"Don't you have somewhere to be today? A soccer game? Something?"

She didn't care to talk.

"Eat your pancakes, they're getting cold" he directed, not amused.

She followed his orders and took a bite… She had to either eat or throw up at this point.

Elliot sat down beside her at the table, sitting a cup of coffee in front of her.

"I already put cream in it… the way you like it"

Olivia peered in to the cup at the brown substance It looked to be just the way she liked it.

Bastard

She loved and hated that about him. How dare he pull the I know YOU trick with the coffee. The truth was she knew exactly how he took his coffee as well. She had fixed it for him a million times… It was usually comforting, today it just wasn't. She took a sip and then another to fill up any space she could to avoid any more conversation.

She was such a bitch.

"Thanks for breakfast." she said finally.

"You're welcome." he said taking a bite of his own pancakes.

The silence was painful.

"I've missed you," he said as if the words were the only thing that would allow him to take his next breath.

Olivia could only shake her head agreeing.

Silence.

More silence.

"Just tell me, please just tell me what's been happening?"

She shook her head no.

He had been judging her.

If he knew the truth he would judge her more.

"Liv." He said reaching for her.

Her fork clanged against the plate when she snatched her arm away. She stood up and then quickly regretted her sudden jolt.

"I was drunk, I wanted to have sex. You caught me ok... But I'm a grown woman, I can do whatever I want. I don't have anyone to answer to, especially you." she said defensively.

"Liv you have glasses of vodka laying all around your house…"

The deeper issue.

She stood there frozen for a moment, with nothing to come back with, only heavy breaths and being busted.

"I think you should go."

"And if I don't?"

"El stop!"

"Liv, I'm not letting you do this, I not you letting self-destruct. I'll help you through all of this."

"Help me through all of this?"

Elliot shook his head "Don't do this. Don't do this to yourself."

"I'm not a drunk. Just because my mother and father were drunks doesn't make me one. So stay out of my business!"

"It's my business if you're hurting yourself!"

"El let it go," she said calming her voice.

"You mean let you go?"

Olivia stumbled.

"Why did you say that?"

"That's what you're doing right? Distancing your self? It's what you do. But this time instead of running across the country to Oregon you're drinking and what sleeping with strangers… You're distancing yourself because you can't deal with what happened!"

Tears.

Finally tears fell down her face.

Frustration.

The truth said aloud.

She couldn't deal with what happened.

"I can't do this with you. I won't, I won't."

"Liv . You need to talk about the baby."

The baby.

The baby that broke the camel's back.

"No, no I don't."

"Liv, you can't keep this built up inside!"

"Trust me there's nothing inside." She said coldly.

"You lost the baby…" he said forcing her to talk about it.

"Yes Elliot I understand that!" she retorted.

"You shut down, you haven't spoken to anyone. You're drinking and sleeping around. Olivia you can't…"

She was caught.

"You wanna talk? Ok. Lets talk about every time I look at you, or every time you've called I think about you picking me up off the floor, I think about you holding me in the back of the ambulance, I think about you looking at me horrified and then with such pity because knocked up Olivia lost her baby."

Elliot was silenced.

She smeared the fallen tears across her cheeks.

"Forgive me if I can't just get over this. Forgive me if I can't deal with losing the one thing that made me feel like I had purpose, that made me feel like I could get passed every shitty thing that had ever happened to me. Fucking forgive me!"

"Olivia…" There it was, the look of pity. "Liv, please let me help you."

"Help me? How would you do that exactly? How would you make it all better?"

A lump in his throat.

"I can't," he said honestly.

"Then just leave me alone and let me deal with it myself."

"You think drinking to forget is the answer, sleeping with random strangers?!"

"You cope by yelling and punching things… well this is my way of coping!"

"That's it? That's what you came up with? Hell what else have you done in the last few weeks? You got any more God damned bright ideas?!"

"Fuck you!"

"Oh I get it, your sleeping around hoping you'll get pregnant again!"

He regretted his words instantly.

He could have punched her in the face, but the bruises of his words would last longer.

What a prick.

"Get out! Get out of my house, get out of my life. Get out!"

"I'm sorry, Liv! I didn't mean that I swear I didn't!"

She didn't stay long enough to accept his apology, continue to fight, or to even see him to the door. She left him standing in her kitchen with the sound of her bedroom door slamming, with the understanding that he was to get out.

He did.

**Next... Ch. 4 - Flashback**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 - Flashback**

Olivia had slammed the door to her bedroom hours ago. She didn't have to check to see if Elliot had left, the silence told her that.

She had taken refuge in her bathtub.

First her bathroom floor where she cried, and then her bathtub where she sobered.

If it were true that you hurt the ones you love the most, then she guessed she must love Elliot the most.

Not romantically, not sexually… not that she hadn't thought about it, but loved him as her best friend, her person, her constant.

If any one was to hurt her, send her flailing out of control, it was Elliot.

She knew he didn't mean what he said, just as she didn't mean the harsh, snotty words she had for him.

The water in the tub that once felt punishing hot to her skin now soothed her.

She closed her eyes and sank further into the tub.

_"The flowers from "The Lawyer"?" Elliot teased as he peeked over her shoulder to read the card. She snatched the card away, grinning. "None of your business!" "Oh come on Liv! You're not falling for that sending flowers, romantic shit?" He said continuing to tease. "I like the romantic shit. I AM a girl Elliot!" She said playing along._

Olivia smiled, not opening her eyes. She couldn't help but think back on Elliot's jealousy towards Walker. She couldn't help but think despite Elliot's jealousy she was happy.

_"Weren't you wearing that shirt yesterday?" He grinned, satisfied that he had called her out on not making it past Walker's bed before having to be at work the next morning. "Shut up Elliot!" He laughed hard. "I'll remind the ol' Lawyer the next time I see him that he should get you home, clean clothes are a must on the job." "Like you haven't slept in your clothes and then sat there across from me." "Not after sexing someone up I haven't!" "Sucks for you!" She said now having her own hard laugh._

She shifted in the tub, dipping her shoulders further below the water.

"I'm pregnant El." It didn't roll off of her tongue easily. If fact it was only the second time she had said it aloud. The first to Walker, the second to Elliot. "Pregnant." When he repeated the word he didn't question it or even sound shocked. He just said it and then studied the expression on Olivia's face. If she was happy, he would be happy. "And Walker, is he happy?" "Yeah, yeah he is. He's um really sweet about it." "Sweet?" This word Elliot questioned. He noticed the straw from her cup had been mutilated by nerves. "Walker and I broke up a few weeks ago." "What? Why didn't you tell me?" "Because I was trying to figure out how to be pregnant more so than single." "Are you ok?" "Yeah… I'm pregnant El. I'm gonna be more than ok." 

Olivia opened her eyes and forced herself to swallow the lump in her throat. She then leaned up to let a bit more hot water run in to the tub. She focused on the fresh water crashing against the stale water.

_"We're fine, he wants to have this baby with me." "But he's in Chicago? He left you alone?" "He had already gone to Chicago before I found out I was pregnant. El I told him to stay there, he landed a really great job…" "A great job? What about you?" "El, its fine. Walker and I are going to work this out."_

She turned off the water and sank back down in to the tub. She let the water cradle her once again.

_"I can run down and get you another bagel." She shook her head no, fighting the nauseous feeling that had come over her. Usually the bagel worked. That was their routine. Elliot would bring in her a bagel, that she would eat promptly, and for the most part she could dodge the morning sickness. "You sure you're ok?" Elliot looked at her pale face concerned. "Yeah just feeling a little funky today." He wanted to ask more questions, he should have asked more questions. He had five kids, she was on her first one… But there was a fine line. He wasn't Walker, he was her partner. "Bathroom break" she said as he looked up at her stepping away from her desk. Olivia gave him a slight grin, trying to settle the concerned look on his face. _

Olivia couldn't feel how hard her fingers were gripping in to the sides of the tub. She couldn't see the blood rushing to her fingertips.

Her mind had already gone there.

_"I need some help in here! Someone call a bus!" A strangers voice called out. Elliot shot to his feet, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO." He meant to say the word silently, but obviously he didn't the way everyone was staring. "Liv! Liv…" She was sitting on the bathroom floor, she had managed to prop herself against the chilled, green tile. He rushed to her, her arms were cradling her body. "El… please." "It's ok, it's ok." "No it's… El I'm bleeding, please…" She was crying. He was willing himself not to cry for her. "Ok, ok." Elliot instinctively scooped her up off the floor and quickly passed by the shocked on lookers. "The bus is pulling up!" Fin said clearing the way. He held her in the ambulance as pain streaked through her body, he no longer assured her it would be ok.  
_  
She pressed the back of her head against the water until her face was submerged. She could feel the water against her eyelids, against her cheeks, the tip of her nose. She could feel her hair floating wildly.

Her heart didn't race, it held steady.

Her heart beat kept the time.

Her arms extended at the sides of the tub holding herself in to place.

Reliving this day after day.

Unable to shake off everything she once could keep at bay.

She was alone.

She was heartbroken.

A hundred reasons to drown…

Treading.

Sinking.

Drowning.

She suddenly gasp for air and pulled herself from the water.

One breath then another to steady herself.

She pushed her saturated hair away from her now wide eyes.

_Quiet. A world spinning too fast barely moved now. He pulled her shoes from her feet and didn't push the subject of helping her change her clothes from the scrubs the hospital had given her. He only tucked her in bed. "I will go with you for your follow up appointment." She looked blankly at her bedroom wall and then shook her head no. "Liv?" "Just go El." She said hoarsely "Thank you for your help, but please just go." Who was he to argue? He took one last look at her blank face. She was devastated, empty. But he would respect her wishes and go. "Please call me if you need anything. I'll be right here."  
_  
She sat up in the tub, the chill of the air spreading goose bumps all over her body. She quickly abandoned the water, drying herself and wrapping her robe tightly around herself. Her bedroom door flung open and she searched frantically.

Her mind racing.

It had to be there somewhere. How could she misplace it? How had she not noticed it missing all of this time?

She looked between the couch cushions, under discarded clothes, bedside table drawers… it was gone.

Lost.

Lost stuffed giraffe, reward given, owner considers priceless…

She cried again. Grieving for a lost giraffe.

"GOD DAMN IT!" She screamed.

_Elliot made his way to the door defeated. He would leave her there alone as requested. He swiped his keys from the kitchen counter and inches away sat a tiny pastel green giraffe. Pastel purple feet, a silly stitched grin. A gift, from Walker. He shoved the giraffe in to his coat pocket. He didn't want it there as a blatant reminder when she was able to leave her bed. _

Olivia poured herself a drink, downing the first shot. She then poured herself a double.

She went back to her bedroom and buried herself in her unmade bed, the double shot of vodka would help her sleep.

The middle of the day put her right back where she had started the day.

Fucking Giraffe.

Fucking Elliot.

Fucking mess.

Glass empty, robe discarded, unsettled mind.  
**  
Next… Ch. 5 - Games**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 - Games**

She liked the TV on.

Before she found TV to be nuisance. Endless chatter of talk shows and reality TV. Now the noise was comforting.

She slipped on the dark red dress and tugged at the zipper until she managed to get it zipped up her self.

She smoothed the dress against her body and studied herself in the mirror.

She knew her body.

Not the body that wore a badge and layered shirts to hide her figure from the "bad guys", but the body that had hips that curved against that red dress and breasts that would voluptuously peak at the strong v of it's neck. That body.

She slid on a pair of black pumps that would put her eye to eye with most men.

She wondered if Elliot even knew before the other night that she owned dresses like this, or heels that screamed, "fuck me".

He knew now.

She took another sip of bourbon and dabbed perfume behind the lobes of her ears.

This was who she was tonight, a red dress and bourbon.

Dressed and drinking to suit her mood, the last two days had been what was now her usual hell.

Each morning that she told herself to get off her ass, to buck the fuck up, turned out like the day before.

And not a word from Elliot.

++++

She held her hand out for the next taxi.

Tonight she would stray farther than the corner bar.

She was seeking punishment, but not the kind she suffered when Elliot's unforgiving blue eyes would stare her down.

She wanted to forget everything, not remember anything.

She had found a bar that suited her dark mood, when it took all of four minutes for him to let her know her next drink was on him.

She was good at this game.

He said that he was intrigued by a woman that drank bourbon and that he liked her red dress.

His demeanor was kind, his compliment seemed sincere. He was flirty, not arrogant.

He reminded her of Walker.

That made her like him.

"John" he stuck out his hand politely to Olivia.

She shook his hand.

"And you are mystery woman I guess?"

He smiled.

She paused, and then grinned cautiously knowing her name wouldn't hurt.

"Olivia."

He continued to smile as if he were satisfied with her name.

"Nice to meet you Olivia."

Maybe she wanted to trust him.

"You're drinking bourbon straight, you must have had a hard day at the office as well."

She liked that he assumed she was that innocent. Like she had spent her day grueling over some meaningless paperwork or fed up with the higher ups...

"I actually resigned from my job a few days ago."

Shit, that was two truths.

Since when was the truth part of the game?

"Oh… what did you do?" He asked seemingly concerned at her sudden career move.

Olivia took a silent deep breath.

The question.

How to make a man run in 20 seconds or less.

She wasn't going in to the whole "sex crimes" explanation.

"It was a complicated job, emotionally draining… just needed a change you know. How about you? What do you do?"

She had to divert.

"Investment banking. Not exactly exciting conversation."

Diversion complete.

"Explains the suit."

"Yeah gives the illusion that I know what the hell I'm doing."

She laughed, because he was charming.

She laughed because that was something Walker would say, though he had all the confidence he needed and not some expensive suit.

She and John talked about nothing for another hour and had another drink in the process.

Smooth, easy conversation and his hand on her knee.

She was good at this game.

"This may presumptuous, but my apartment is just down the street, if you'd like another drink and maybe…" John seemed a bit nervous about his invitation.

"I would love another drink." Olivia said making it easy for him.

She had already had a drink for Elliot. At this point she would have one for Walker too.

John wrapped his arm around Olivia as they walked out of the bar. He even offered her his coat as the cool fall air had set in.

By the time they had made it to his apartment, he was kissing her neck.

He wasn't rushed and restless like the last stranger, he was thoughtful, patient.

Olivia loosened his tie as they stood inside his apartment.

She took a moment to look around at the high rise that definitely told her was in a different tax bracket than her.

"A drink?" John questioned.

Olivia shook her head no and began to kiss him again.

He was too nice.

He was too kind.

His expensive suit lay on his bedroom floor, a dark red dress lay not too far from it.

He was a great kisser.

He was a great fuck.

She was lying in his bed staring at the ceiling, listening to the water of the shower running.

She willed herself to move from his twelve million thread count, Egyptian cotton sheets.

God why couldn't she be normal?

As if sleeping with strangers and wanting to spend the WHOLE night was normal.

She got up and slid on her panties and searched for her bra, hoping to escape before his reappearance.

"Olivia?"

John stood in the doorway of his bedroom, a towel wrapped around his lower half.

"I figured you would still be asleep. I didn't mean to wake you."

A nice guy.

"I need to go" Olivia said still standing there in her bra and panties.

"You don't have to just yet…"

She let out a nervous laugh. "I'm sure you have to be up early tomorrow, investment baking and all… I should go."

Olivia found her dress and tried to gracefully slide it on.

The zipper.

"I'll help." John offered, reaching for the zipper of her dress.

"Thank you" she said, even blushing a bit at his chivalry.

"Olivia, I'd like to see you again. Dinner maybe?"

For a sinking moment she wanted to have dinner with him.

This was not how the game worked.

"Yeah ok…"

"I would like to have your number…"

"Um how about you give me yours…" she said giving her sexiest grin.

She watched him pause and then fall for it as he reached for a business card.

"Okay mysterious Olivia. You can call me."

He called her a cab, and she actually took a moment to kiss him on the cheek before she was gone.

She held herself still, as the cab passed through each yellow caution light.

His number had already fallen to the bottom of her purse.

She gripped her forearms.

A nice guy, just when she didn't need him.

This guy, John would judge her when she would never call, she would make him disappear just as she was doing the moment she got in to the cab.

She thought of Walker again. She thought about how she had shut him out of her life too. How he was the first guy in her life that was going to give up everything for her and she declined.

Father or not the father.

She shut him out of her life with the excuse that he should get on with his life.

While she didn't get on with hers.

Walker didn't know the side of Olivia that was bent. He didn't know that accidentally getting pregnant and losing a baby would be what would break her.

She shoved the key in to her door and twisted the lock.

Easy to do when sober.

It didn't startle her to see him asleep on her couch.

Elliot was a bastard, an over protective, nosey, bastard who didn't get the point when she told him to go away the first hundred times.

He was lying there in his jeans and a t-shirt, his bare feet hanging off the arm of the couch.

Obviously he had fallen asleep waiting on her.

For a moment she contemplated waking him, but decided she didn't have much fight or much of a defense in her.

She tiptoed past him and went straight for the shower.

She tucked the red dress and panties she had on in to the closet.

Evidence would stack against her in whatever argument she knew he would have when he woke up.

She made my way under the spray of the shower, washing away her sins.

Not surprised how easily they disappeared.

She squeezed the water from her hair and stepped from the shower. She wrapped a towel around herself, not bothering with the water sliding down her arms and legs.

"What's his name?"

"Shit Elliot! Get out of here!"

"Answer my question."

He wasn't wavering, her lack of clothing didn't seem to distract him.

"Who?" She said looking at him blankly.

"The guy whose bed you just left."

"Fuck you Elliot." she said almost a little too calmly.

"I assume that was your response because you don't know his name."

She actually did know this one's name.

John, the nice guy.

"You're an asshole!"

"And you're out of control!"

She was.

She knew she was.

"But you are sober I see."

Sharp tongue.

"One point for me."

That sent silence flying through the air.

"Will you get out?" she said finally.

Elliot pressed his body in to the doorframe and the palm of his hand on to the opposite side.

Olivia wasn't sure if he was blocking her in, or trying to hold the weight of the world there in the doorway.

"I'm not leaving Olivia."

"So I guess you forgot when I told you to get out of my apartment a couple of days ago?"

"I didn't forget."

"I want my key back."

"Liv…"

"Elliot go home."

"I can't Liv, not till we talk like civilized people."

"You're intruding in my house, not to mention my bathroom while I'm standing here in a towel!"

"I'm not leaving."

She huffed out a deep breath, frustrated.

"Are you gonna stay here forever?" She asked sarcastically

"When I leave you do something…"

"I do what? What Elliot? Something stupid? Something dangerous? Something what?"

She could see he was trying to refrain, he started to bite at his bottom lip for physical restraint of his mouth.

"Fine" she said, "You want to stay, stay… I'll go!"

"Oh no you don't!"

He was blocking her in.

"Elliot move."

"No."

Did he get bigger? He seemed taller bare feet to bare feet, his chest seemed more broad.

"You can't hold me hostage in my bathroom!"

"I will," he said blankly.

"This is bullshit."

"No all of this drinking and sleeping around is bullshit Olivia."

She just stood and stared. He was trying. Why couldn't she appreciate him trying? Why didn't she give him an inch when he had already walked a mile?

Maybe she didn't have an inch left to spare.

"Can I at least put clothes on?"

Elliot stood to the side letting her through the doorway.

He turned to watch her every move, ready to chase her down if necessary.

"Privacy?"

He didn't answer only turned his back to her.

"Unbelievable."

She got dressed slamming drawers and doors when she could. She verbally wasn't fighting with him, but he would be sure she was pissed at him forever being in her presents.

Elliot gave her what he thought was ample time before turning around and sitting in the chair in her room. He leaned back, studying her.

She watched his eyes looked at her head to toe as if he were memorizing what she was wearing, how she looked.

As if he wanted to be able to make a description of her…

Wet hair, no make-up, blue t-shirt, jeans… bare feet, toe nails painted…

"Are you just going to sit there?"

Elliot shuffled at bit in the chair and then looked at her once again.

"So you drink, then you go out find some guy, you drink more, you sleep with the guy, you sober, and come home. Do I have it right?"

She just stood there.

He had it right.

Simple

"Do you ever bring them here? Or you just go home with them?" he continued.

Sadistic

"Why do you care?"

Why did he?

"I'm not sure. I just need to know the game. Maybe I'm trying to understand this method of yours."

"Understand? You want to understand?"

She grinned.

She couldn't stop herself.

Maybe she had lost her mind.

Elliot stopped breathing in response to her evil grin.

"You think its funny?"

"You want me to apologize for what I'm doing? You want me to feel remorseful? What do you want me to do Elliot?"

"I don't want your apology you're doing this to yourself, but yes you should feel remorseful, you should hate you're doing this to yourself, to your body. Fuck Olivia, how many strangers have you slept with in the past month?

"You want me to feel remorse? Well I don't. I feel too much of everything else. So I like the numbness. I like the pleasure over the pain when I'm having sex. I like being with someone who has no idea who I am, or where I came from, or what happened to me."

Elliot's face was now planted in the palm of his hands.

She wasn't sure if he was trying to figure out another angle to work her or if he was giving in.

When he finally looked up at her his eyes were tear stained.

He bit at his bottom lip again. "I'll uh I'll…" he didn't finish his sentence.

Olivia had won, Olivia had lost that round.

She watched him stand up, leaving her there with her bare feet.

Her sparring partner had surrendered.

"Liv…" He had turned to make sure he had her attention. "When you decide to stop hurting yourself you can call. I'll be right here for whatever reasons you need me… ME Olivia. But until you decide to stop all of this shit I'm out of your life. No phone calls, no sneak attacks, nothing. Its your call."

With that he left the living room, gathering his shoes. He didn't feel the need to say goodbye.

**Next… Ch. 6 Clean**


	6. Chapter 6

**Ch 6 Clean**

At 4AM that morning she had, had a panic attack.

Not some sissy, crying, pity party. A full on sweating, trembling, hyperventilating, panic attack.

She had been up since.

She had spent an hour sitting on her couch staring at the dotted, yellowing bruises on her knees. An hour wondering how they got there? Wondering if she had fallen at some point? Wondering if she felt pain when she came in to contact with whatever had caused them…

And an hour after that, she cried.

Sobbed.

It was raining outside. The city wrapped up in its own emotional state.

She couldn't stop the tears falling down her cheeks, like she couldn't stop the raindrops falling against the window panes.

This was God's own little display of irony.

This was a bad day.

She was having a bad day.

She paced.

Her pajama pants, slug low on her hips, dragged the floor with each step she took.

She paced.

First crying and walking and now just walking in circles because she had nowhere else to go.

Walking.  
Thinking.  
Reliving.  
Hurting.  
Scolding.  
Fighting.

Come clean, come clean.

Every thought was a punch, and she was fighting back.

Serena Benson  
Joe Hollister  
Lowell Harris  
Elliot Stabler.  
Walker Bennett.  
Baby Benson-Bennett.

Come clean, come clean.

Her loneliness.  
Her sadness.  
Her inability to move on.  
Her remorse.  
Her punishments.

Come clean, come clean.

She stood at the kitchen sink.

Her palms baring into the stainless steel.

A glass of yesterday's vodka sitting alone in the basin.

A half empty glass daring her.

Rain hitting the window pane.

She was fighting and rebutting all her thoughts, pleading with herself and her body to hold on and to let go. She cursed herself and listened until she was verbally exhausted.

This was it. Jump now, drown, drink yourself to death… do it now.

Or don't.

Her hand reached for the glass and instead of picking it up, she knocked it over letting the clear liquids fall into the drain.

Control.

This is the first ounce of control she had since that day in the precinct. Since she walked herself in to the women's restroom and didn't walk out.

The bottle of vodka, down the drain.

The bourbon, down the drain.

Tequila gone…

Come clean, come clean.

Do it now, or don't.

Fight or don't.

Come clean, come clean.

****

Elliot eyes tried to focus through the rain soaked windshield as he drove back to the precinct.

His day was filled with questioning the neighbors of a suspect in a child molestation case.

The neighbors weren't much help.

And neither was the now cold coffee that was bitter to start with.

He was cursing to himself under his breath.

This was a bad day.

He was having a bad day.

He thought of Olivia.

Actually his mind hadn't not thought of Olivia.

He hadn't heard from her in days and he wondered if giving her an ultimatum meant he wouldn't hear from her again.

She was that stubborn.

She was that out of control.

He couldn't swallow the lump in his throat when he wondered where she was, what she was doing?

He wondered if she was more dangerous out on the prowl or held up in her apartment because he was certain neither would result in anything good.

Wet hair, no make-up, blue t-shirt, jeans… bare feet, toe nails painted…

That's was the way he left her.

The way she looked when he walked out on her.

His mental description of her body washed clean from a stranger, her breath brushed fresh from alcohol, her eyes raging pissed at him, and her mind tired.

That was how he left her.

He had laid down the ultimatum and at this point he didn't know if he was he the only one suffering from it?

He couldn't check on her, he had to will himself to not even drive by her apartment, and not dare pick up the phone.

What was he thinking?

He had never seen her like this. He had never known her to fall apart.

Everything that she had been through in her life, no matter how many bruises or scars, she always got back up.

This time she didn't get back up and he gave up on her. He gave her an ultimatum.

Elliot made his way in to the parking garage of the police station, seeking shelter from the downpour. He didn't look at the caller I.D. before bellowing at his ringing phone.

"Stabler."

That piercing moment of silence let him know it was her.

Finally her.

"You sound like you've had as good of a day as I have."

Her voice was unsteady.

He could tell she had been crying.

"Olivia" was all he managed.

"It's been a bad day," she said finally.

A pain in his chest.

"Yeah, yeah it has been."

"I just, I wanted to apologize, for well just about everything I guess."

"No Liv that's not what I…"

"El" she said interrupting.

"You said I could call when I was ready to stop."

"Yeah I did." he paused for a moment hoping to God she wasn't calling to tell him otherwise. "Are you ready to stop?"

He could hear her take a deep breath.

Hear her prepare herself for her confessional.

Forgive me father for I have sinned…

"I started seeing a therapist after I went undercover, after Harris."

Something else he didn't know.

Something else they had swept under the giant rug.

"I was going regularly." She continued. "I needed to go regularly, then I stopped."

"Why did you stop?" Elliot asked listening intently.

"Same ol', same ol' Olivia Benson. I heard enough to console myself and let it be enough. Then I met Walker, things were looking up… you know."

Yeah he knew. He knew because he was a jealous bastard when she finally got to be fucking happy.

He knew.

"I'm gonna see my therapist first thing in the morning."

"Good." Elliot said, hopeful.

"And the alcohol, I had to pour it out."

"Yeah ok." He was still listening, not wanting to give any sudden opinion that would make her loose her train of thought or her path to righteousness.

Another bout of silence.

Another bout of patience.

"El it hurts. Ev…" her voice stumbled. "Everything just hurts."

"I know, I know it does. I'm sorry it does."

"Ok. I uh just needed you to know so you wouldn't worry."

"I've been worried."

"I know and I'm sorry"

"Don't apologize any more."

"I need to apologize a lot. You tried… and well…"

"Do you want me to come over? I could bring you dinner." He said changing the subject before she knocked herself cold from the punches she was throwing at herself.

"No… I need to just figure some things out. I'm going to clean myself and this apartment up. I'm going to get some help. Ok."

"Ok." Elliot said agreeing.

"You'll call again if you need me?"

The fine line.

The fine line where he loved every ounce of her being too much.

"Yeah I will."

"Liv?"

"Yeah El?"

"I'm glad you called me."

"Yeah I'm glad too." she paused for a moment and he let her think "El?"

"Yeah"

"Don't worry so much ok?"

Elliot didn't have the chance to answer before he heard her hang up the phone.

He sat there, looking down at his phone, replaying any part he could remember of their conversation.

Her call listed as received.

Her voice left him relieved and with a hundred more fears.

_"You said I could call when I was ready to stop."_

"Don't worry so much ok?"

He sat there in the squad car, in the parking garage, listening to the rain pounding against the concrete.

He leaned his head back against the headrest, closing his eyes, holding his breath for her, for a minute.

He only had a minute to convince himself she would be ok again.

That she could come clean.

Pouring rain.

The sky wasn't crying it was washing her clean.

**Next… Ch. 7 Honest**


	7. Chapter 7

**7. Honest **

She had made progress over the last few days.

She had a routine. She would usually be haunted out of bed by seven, so she was now officially her therapist first appointment of the day.

So far every day.

Her sessions would end with, "I think we should meet again tomorrow".

Maybe she shouldn't have shared the part about trying to drown herself in the first hour.

Was it working? She wasn't sure, but it was good to get it out. Tell someone. Say the words. To be honest about what was happening. Therapy was better than a psych hold she guessed.

The guy at the Starbucks down the street told her that he had missed her. He made a joke about how he was worried he had gotten her order wrong too many times and that she had abandoned him for another Starbucks. She smiled at him. It was nice to be missed no matter how trivial. She didn't want to say, no it's not you or the coffee, I just went off the deep end. And turns out there aren't Starbucks on the corner of the deep end.

Clean laundry sat, piled high on her bed. She would get to the folding.

Bagels and bananas on the kitchen counter.

She had taken to carbs.

But hey, she was eating something.

She spit out the last bit of toothpaste and rinsed her toothbrush. She looked at herself in the mirror wondering if she could see how much she had changed in what was now almost two months.

If she could see what had alarmed Elliot.

Elliot who would be there at eight.

She pulled her hair in to a loose ponytail, letting the strands of her hair fall where they may. She wanted Elliot to see she was trying, that she had made progress. They hadn't actually spoken since the day she called him to tell him she was ready to stop. Yesterday, via text she invited him over, via text he had accepted her invitation. What came next was either's guess.

Her progress.

His worry.

She folded laundry.

One towel, then another to pass the time.

She was anxious, and nervous, and even dreading what it would be like between them.

She had time to think, and time to dwell, and time to talk…

He knocked quietly.

A stark contrast to his previous weeks of pounding and pleading at her front door.

She tucked the swoop of her bangs behind her ear before opening the door.

She hoped she had made progress. He had hoped so too.

Olivia smiled at the sight if him.

The old Olivia's beautiful, pearly white smile on the face of the Olivia that stood before him.

"Come in."

He did, holding two cups of coffee.

"Decaf."

She held out her hand taking a coffee from him.

"You wanna sit?"

Why was she so awkward? Why was he? He had been in her apartment a million times, she never asked him if he wanted to sit.

Oh, yeah the last two months of her life had made it awkward.

Shit.

Elliot took a seat on the couch, never taking his eyes from her.

"What?"

"You look good Liv."

"Well I cut myself off from drinking and sex. So…" She joked.

It wasn't funny.

She decided to then go with a "thank you", as she sat down across from him on the couch.

"How's therapy? You are going right?" Olivia grinned at his nervousness.

"I'm going to therapy Elliot."

"And its good, I mean it's ok? Helping… ?"

"Yeah El, its fine."

Elliot took a sip of his coffee filling up the black hole of space he had created.

Shit.

"Um thanks for the coffee."

"I didn't know if you would want it, I didn't want it to keep you awake."

"No, the coffee's good."

The truth was it wouldn't be the coffee that kept her awake.

"Liv?" He hesitated.

"Yeah?"

He had a lot to say. He hoped he had the right words to say it.

"I've been thinking a lot, and I, uh I don't want you to bottle things up anymore."

So this is where the conversation was going.

"El can we just not…"

She fidgeted.

She was already ready to stop if this is where the conversation was going.

He just looked at her.

She looked away.

"I'm trying not to bottle things up. I'm getting help. I'm talking about it."

"Then will you be honest with me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I want you to be honest with me. I don't want to have to guess anymore about how you're feeling."

Feel about what?

This conversation?

How she felt about him?

Life in general?

"Elliot I'm ok. I'm doing better."

"Are you?"

"What do you want me to say?" She didn't mean for that to come out as annoyed as it did.

"Liv, up until yesterday I was afraid you were going to jump of a bridge and now you're ok?"

This was her best friend. This was the longest relationship she had ever had.

"You want me to be honest?" She slumped down in to the couch. "I'm not fine, but I am ok. And by ok I mean that I can do this, I can get through this. No more thoughts of jumping off of a bridge."

Or drowning herself, but she went with his analogy.

"Be honest with me."

"Elliot stop."

What was he doing?

Why did he have to push?

Couldn't this be easy?

Civil at least?

"Just talk Liv, just talk to me. Let me in and lets just have some honesty between us for a change."

God help her.

Deep breath, deep breath.

Here we go.

"Fine… I'll talk. I'm scared Elliot. I'm scared of everything, I'm scared I may be dependant on alcohol like my mother, I'm scared I will slip back in to wanting to feel nothing, I'm scared I'll spend the rest of my life alone, I'm scared of you…"

"Liv!"

"You wanted honesty Elliot! I'm giving it to you. Everything is just so uncertain to me. Nothing feels right, nothing feels secure. It hurts to be in my skin, my apartment is like a foreign place, and you, I can't go back there with you…"

"Go back there with me?"

"El, before all of this we were just so hard, so complicated. All my energy was spent avoiding subjects and trying to say right things. I don't have it left in me to play that role anymore."

Why was she being so honest?

Why was she bringing this up now?

Fucking therapy.

"So what, you want to give up on us? You don't want me in your life?"

"El…"

"That's what you just said. You think its too complicated. We're not partners anymore, so our friendship means nothing?"

"That's just it, we're not partners anymore."

"So what you don't have that to hide behind now?" he spat back. "Or us having a friendship is not worth it?"

She had said too much.

Too honest.

He wasn't backing down.

"El, you know what I mean."

Can of worms.

Shit.

"Liv I know ok. You know, I know what we're talking about. I have been present for everything that has and hasn't gone on between us. But I won't ignore it anymore because if I have to be honest with you, to get you to be honest with me, I will. And Liv don't you at least owe it to yourself to speak up, to get what you want?"

"I can't have what I want! Its too complicated..."

Shut up Olivia!

Another fucking therapy session.

"Yes, you can have what you want. But I have to know you're alright first. Not just ok…"

"I think we should stop talking."

She stood.

This is where she normally ran. Mentally and physically ran.

"Liv, I didn't mean for this conversation to go there. I wanted it to be about us talking to each other, about you letting me be here for you."

"But that's the complicated part. Emotionally, I can't be disappointed anymore that you aren't there. And maybe it's not fair to you, maybe I need too much from you. But I just can't do it anymore, I can't hope that you're someone I wish you were."

"I was jealous of you and Walker, fuck I've been jealous over every man you've ever been with. I'm an asshole and I take you for granted and I have left you stumbling when I should have held you. When I should have mentally and physically held you Olivia. But you have to understand what has happened to me in last two months, when I brought you home from the hospital, when you told me to leave you alone, when you didn't answer my calls or the door, when you weren't sitting across from me at the precinct, it all was painfully clear that I failed you. I wasn't the guy I thought I was. I wasn't your savior I wasn't the man who fixed things. I didn't protect you!"

She didn't say anything.

She had started to pace around the room.

This was the most honest they had ever been.

AND She was sure now why they never were this honest.

It was too much. The conversation was too heavy and too out of hand.

"So that's it you confess this and I believe you and happily ever after?"

"I know you're hurting ok. And I want to take it all away."

"You can't…"

"You're giving up on everything… Jesus Christ Liv don't give up on me."

She wanted a drink.

Badly.

"How do I know El? How do I know that you won't bore of my antics or get frustrated with me and leave me alone? Just because you had some revelation that you're not a fucking knight in shining armor doesn't make me feel better!"

His coffee had been abandoned and face was pressed in to the palms of his hands.

He looked up, his face red.

He looked at her.

She was standing before him, she was back to that thin, struggling woman he had seen for the first time weeks before.

She was biting her lip.

"I apologize." he said suddenly.

"Elliot" she said sitting back down on the couch beside him.

"No, Liv I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like I wasn't the one person who would always be there, who wouldn't always protect you… as your partner, as your best friend as whoever I am. Please forgive me.

Suddenly her arm lifted and the palm of her hand made contact with his neck, her fingers resting at his hairline.

He didn't dare move.

She leaned in tucking her chin in to his opposite shoulder.

"This would be the part where you hold me."

He couldn't help but smile slightly and he didn't hesitate.

He held her.

"You know you're all I have."

"I know"

"Please don't hurt me."

"I won't, I won't anymore."

Her chest was now fully pressed in to his and Elliot wondered if she could hear his heart pounding.

He felt like a pardoned man. A second chance, he was her second chance.

Honest to God.

**Next… Ch. 8 - Stay**


	8. Chapter 8

**Ch. 8 Stay**

"You brought me flowers Stabler?"

"Look I saw them, I thought of you. Accept them, enjoy them, and give me a break!" He said grinning.

She took them from him, pressing her nose against the petals.

The flowers did exactly what they were supposed to do, put a smile on her face.

And he had brought dinner.

He had brought dinner twice that week already.

He would work, call her if he would be late, bring home dinner.

Home.

"Do you want the olives off of this?" She said, her mouth already full.

"I told them no olives." Elliot said rummaging through her kitchen cabinets

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Where are all of your glasses?"

"I threw them away."

"What? Why would you do that?" he asked confused.

She stopped, looking at Elliot, paralyzed.

"Liv?"

"I was drinking out of them." She said blankly.

"Yes Liv that's what glasses are for to drink out of."

"No… I mean I was drinking out of them, so I had to get rid of them, so I could stop."

He stood in her kitchen, looking at her across the bar. He wasn't sure when the last time he spoke or the last time he could breathe.

And he could see the look of panic on her face.

"Ok. Ok that's ok."

"I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing to do."

"No Liv you did what you needed to do."

"We don't have glasses to drink out of now, its stupid."

"Well we'll get new glasses."

"I'm sorry."

"Liv stop." Elliot reached for her hand. "It's fine ok. No sweat."

He smiled, assuring her.

She shook her head ok.

"And look coffee mugs!"

Crisis averted.

He sat beside her.

"So how is everyone at the precinct?"

The first time she had asked.

"They're good, grumpy as ever. They ask about you."

"Tell them I'm ok, alright?"

Ok - that word.

"Yeah I do."

She knew he did. He wouldn't tell her secrets.

"Did they convict the guy in the Baker case?"

Her memory.

"Yeah they did."

It was the last case she worked on, the paperwork that was left on her desk.

The case she would never forget.

She wouldn't forget for personal reasons.

"Good."

"Do you miss work?"

Why does he insist on pushing the world off its axis?

"I didn't… but it's in perspective now."

"You think about going back?"

She drank from the coffee mug.

Pushing, pushing.

"I've thought about it, I've talked about it, I don't think I want to, at least not right now."

"Ok" he said trying to sound as if it didn't break his heart.

"In therapy I was talking about some things I could do, things where I could help people, but it wouldn't be so hard…"

He understood.

"Well I'm certain when you're ready you will be amazing at whatever you choose to do."

She looked at him processing his words, minus the sarcasm in her head.

"Thanks."

"You have to taste this." he said, holding his fork up to her.

He would change the subject.

She took the bite and Elliot watched her lips curve.

He was a man after all.

"See good."

"Really good!"

"You remember that Italian place that…"

Reading his mind.

"That had the Manicotti! I haven't had Manicotti that good since! We should go there!"

Her dark eyes came to light.

"We should! I can't believe we forgot about that place."

Normalcy.

They talked about food, and the weather and how it was getting colder, they talked about Eli starting kindergarten, and about Finn having a new "lady friend."

She laughed. Her hand grabbing his arm, the other holding her belly.

He wanted to tell her how much he loved her laugh before, but how much he appreciated it now.

Dishes clattered in to the sink.

"I'll wash them El."

"I'll wash, you dry."

Besides it was how they had done it the times before.

He washed, she dried.

She yawned.

"Are you sleeping any better?"

"Yeah… a little better."

Elliot dried his hands and took the last plate from her and placed it in the cabinet.

It felt good to share her space, her little kitchen space.

"I should probably go, let you rest. You seem tired."

"Yeah I am, I just…"

"What is it?"

"Will you stay with me for a while?"

He smiled.

"I can definitely do that."

She shook her head, satisfied.

"How about you go put on those infamous sweat pants of yours and I'll stay with you until you fall asleep."

Elliot had made his way to the couch, pulling his shoes from his feet. He gathered the blanket thrown over the back of the couch and waited for her.

She arrived soon after sweat pants slung low, with her t-shirt with the cracked green letters boasting Siena college.

She sat down on the couch and this time instead of sitting across from him, she nudged herself against him.

He willingly took her body in beside his and pulled the blanket over them.

"I spent 30 minutes in therapy talking about a stupid giraffe today."

Honesty, openness, that thing they were trying.

Elliot turned just enough to see her face.

"What about the giraffe?"

"Walker sent me a giraffe after I told him I was pregnant. He said he didn't sleep the whole night, and then he said he got up the next morning and the first thing he did was buy that giraffe. He said he had passed by this little boutique everyday and never noticed the onesies, or the tiny shoes, or the display of green giraffe's with purple feet. He said he was late for work because he wanted to get it in the mail to me."

"That was a sweet thing to do, he was good to you Liv."

He had to give Walker that.

"Yeah well I lost the giraffe, I lost the one thing…"

He stopped her.

"Liv… Liv I have the giraffe."

"What?"

"I'm so sorry" he said his face full of apology. "When I brought you home that day the giraffe was sitting on the counter and I thought you wouldn't want to be reminded, so I took it. I'm so sorry I thought I was doing the right thing."

Olivia had now sat up.

She wasn't angry, she understood why he took it.

"I" a breath fell from her mouth.

"Liv I'm so sorry."

"No… no it's ok. It's ok. You have the giraffe."

She was processing.

"I'll bring it back to you tomorrow. Or I can go…"

"El, it's ok, I'm ok.

She settled back down it to his arms.

He was relieved.

"It was ridiculous to freak out over a giraffe anyway."

"No it wasn't ridiculous! And I'll have him back to it's rightful owner tomorrow."

She said nothing, understanding he would, as he swirled a strand of her hair around his finger.

"Do you ever talk to Walker?"

Was it rude to ask?

"Yeah we've talked a couple of times, but I got tired of pretending I was happy he was still in Chicago and I don't know, I guess we've officially drifted apart. Nothing like accidentally getting pregnant and then loosing the baby to kill the ol' chemistry."

"Liv maybe it just meant the relationship wasn't right."

He could hear her let out a breathy laugh.

"I'm sorry I should have said that."

She shook her head, but paused before speaking.

"You think God or whoever is up there, you think they have some plan? I mean all of this shit that people go through, I mean fuck wanting a baby and then it being taken away from you…"

"Good things happen Liv."

"I know, I'm just starting to wonder if they happen to me."

"Well you sitting here with me, that's a good thing." he said squeezing her hand.

"I suppose" she joked.

She slid her fingers between his.

He had never noticed how long and thin her fingers were.

He wondered if she could play the piano. It seemed like something Serena Benson would have insisted she learn to play.

Another something he didn't know about her.

Another mystery to unfold.

He looked down to see her eyelids fluttering.

"You're like a little kid ya know, trying to keep your eyes open."

"I like being here with you."

"You don't have to worry about being with me, we can do this again and again…"

He could see her smile.

"Come on, I'll tuck you in." he said practically pushing her in to the sitting position.

He pulled the covers back on her bed and she slid under.

"Hey El?'

"Yeah?"

"Just so you know you're good to me too."

He smiled.

God he hoped he was.

"Hey I didn't know you had that picture of us." Elliot said reaching for the picture on her beside table.

"It was my first day. Look how young we were."

"You were scared."

"I was not!"

"Look at your face, frightened!"

"Of you maybe!" She said swatting at him.

"If we would have only known? Maybe you wouldn't have stood so close to me in this picture."

"Maybe if I had know I would have stood closer."

He couldn't stop the grin that appeared on his face, it mimicked hers.

He sat the picture back in it place.

Where it had been for over a decade.

"Stay with me."

"You sure?"

"Stay" she said pulling the covers back for him.

He lay down beside her, his jeans rough against the sheets.

She reached for his hand, once again intertwining her fingers with his as she pulled his arm around her.

Like a missing puzzle piece.

She slept with him by her side.

She finally could sleep.

**Next… Ch. 9 - Senses**

**I'll get the rest of the chapters to you all tomorrow! Must sleep...**


	9. Chapter 9

**9. Senses**

The last week had come and gone quickly.

He now spent his nights with her.

Dinner, a bad TV movie, they would talk…

She would lie in his arms on the couch, he would sleep beside her in her bed.

Innocent and anything but innocent.

But it felt right, not confusing. Neither wanted to question what they were doing or where they were going, it just felt right to be there together.

He turned his key to her apartment door anxious to what he would find.

He stopped and starred at the sight of her.

She stood there, in her kitchen, her hair twisted up with stray strands of hair falling against her shoulders. The fitted v-neck of her grey t-shirt hung low giving a clear vision of the separation of each of her breast and the tip of the lacy nude bra that held them. A pair of jeans accentuated the curve of her hips and the graciousness of her thighs.

God, to look at her.

He stared.

"Hi there" she said, a grin quickly covering her face.

She had caught him watching her.

"Sorry I'm late. I had to stop by the cleaners."

His stuff was accumulating in her apartment.

His shoes under her bed, his clothes in her closet, his toothbrush beside hers.

It just happened.

He was there, she asked him to stay the next night and the next.

He wanted to stay, there, with her.

His stuff was now accumulating in her apartment.

"So this cooking thing… sexy Benson, very sexy." he said now taking off his coat and making his way to the kitchen to be with her.

She blushed, she couldn't help but blush.

She found herself wanting to be sexy… for him.

He leaned in behind her, his shoulders broad.

He felt sexy.

"Everything looks really good."

"You think so?"

"Absolutely, anything I can do to help?" he said rolling up his sleeves.

"If you want to start sautéing these?" She said pointing to the peppers and onions she had already diced.

He washed his hands and prepared to begin his task.

"So this is quite a feat you've taken on." he said studying the recipe. "What brought on the urge to cook tonight?"

"Something to occupy my mind I guess. I was walking home today, actually I was wandering home and I stumbled in to a little book store about four blocks from here. The next thing I know I'm buying 250 pages of "simple" Italian dishes and I'm making Chicken Tetrazzini."

She left out the part of why she was wandering.

She left out the part about him being the subject of her therapy session and that she finally admitted her feelings for him out loud.

Finally.

She left out that part.

That's why she was wandering.

"Well I will gladly do the taste testing if you are going to try anything on the 249 other pages."

He was smiling, in a good mood. Happy to be with her.

"I wouldn't say that. We don't know how this will turn out yet. Disaster is still a possibility."

"Well when you called today and told me you were cooking dinner, I did for a fleeting moment wonder if I should bring you a fire extinguisher, I mean just in case."

"Ha, ha, very funny Stabler."

"Well I've never seen you cook."

"I am proficient at sandwich making."

"That's not cooking."

"I can make eggs a dozen different ways."

She didn't admit the reason why she could make eggs so many different ways was because of the men she had woke up with.

"Survival skills?"

"My mother wasn't exactly Suzy Homemaker, so she wasn't about to teach me to be."

"Well your ability to memorize the phone numbers of each of your favorite food nationalities is quite impressive when you have a hankering for Lo Mein or Chicken Souvlaki."

"That skill does come in handy." She said snickering as she added the linguini to the pot of boiling water.

"You look really good today." he said giving her a quick glance as to not seem too shy of his compliment to her.

"El, I have on a t-shirt and my hair…"

"Liv" he said stopping her. "You look really good today."

She smiled, "thank you."

She should learn to take his compliments.

"I think these are done."

"Ok… the recipe says we need to add the flour and the rest of those ingredients to make the sauce and then we let it simmer until it thickens."

Olivia began adding each ingredient one at a time.

Elliot watched her.

Her mind was occupied like she had hoped.

He wanted to ask how her day began. He wanted to know what made he stop at that book store, what was weighing on her mind to make her wander the streets of Manhattan.

"How was therapy today?"

Of course he would ask.

She didn't look up.

What could she say? I spent an hour talking about you and how I have been hopelessly in love with you, and sexually frustrated by you since the day we fucking met. She would say something else.

"Am I allowed to say it was bullshit?"

"You're allowed. But I thought you felt like it was helping?"

"It is… I think."

"Liv?"

"I was just having a crappy morning. I wasn't in to talking about my feelings or about my childhood or whatever."

"Whatever?"

Elliot was the whatever part.

"El I just need a day off from therapy. This intense spilling of my guts is just… I'm just need a day off."

"Ok so take one."

"Make it sound easy."

He didn't know the intense therapy was keeping her out of the loony bin.

"It is isn't it? I'm not saying quit, I'm saying do whats best for you. If your brain needs a rest, give yourself a break."

"Elliot Stabler is that you in there?" She said turning to him.

"I have an idea, why don't we both take tomorrow off?"

"What?"

"I have personal time and we could both use a break. Tomorrow we'll do something different."

"You gonna call Cragen and tell him you need a personal day to spend with me?"

"Well maybe not those exact words."

"Can't you hear him now? You've spent the last twelve years with Olivia and now you need a personal day with her?"

They both laughed at the thought when the truth was yes, he needed a personal day with her.

"Taste." Elliot said, blowing on the spoon that he had dipped in sauce.

He held it inches from her lips.

She leaned in to him, tasting.

She took a moment to savor the taste. "It's good" she said excitedly.

Suddenly he leaned in and kissed her.

His lips warm, her lips full. They took each other in for a moment and then both pulled away.

Olivia stood there, starring at Elliot.

It had been a decade, it had been months, it had been days, never had they kissed.

Tonight they kissed.

"I shouldn't have done that." Elliot said panicking.

"No, no El, its ok. I think its ok."

She thinks.

They were still standing inches apart.

Neither dare move.

Neither knew what to do if they did make a move.

It was bound to happen.

Maybe it was meant to happen.

Years pent up, years of denial, years of lying in bed at night and thinking and thinking.

Tonight he kissed her.

Elliot ran his tongue across his lips, tasting the memory of her.

She placed her hand at his chest.

His heart lay beneath the palm of her hand.

He waited patiently.

She leaned in pressing her body against his, her lips now grazing his jaw line.

She stopped herself, looking up at him.

"I want to" she whispered against the lobe of his ear. "But I can't… ok? Not until I'm sure."

Elliot nodded his head, ok.

Twelve years and suddenly too fast.

"El, I have to be sure."

"I want you to be, I want you to be sure."

"I need you to understand what I'm saying. I have to be sure about me. I can't kiss you, I can't…" she stopped with a nervous laugh "You told me you wouldn't hurt me…"

"I won't"

"Well I don't want to hurt you. You know me…"

"Hey, I understand ok. I want you to be sure of yourself. And I want to be sure, because I don't want to turn back. I want to kiss you. I want to make dinner with you. Liv, I want you."

She looked up at him, her voice escaping her, but her lips mouthing "I want you too".

They stood there pressed against each other, there arms now wrapped around each other.

Consoling.

They both tried to clear their heads.

Control the lingering effects of how close there bodies had been.

"Um the pasta, I think it's um ready." She said stumbling.

"I'll get the pasta, you get the sauce and the cheese and lets get this thing in the oven. How long do you bake this thing?"

They let go.

"Says 25 minutes."

Tetrazzini was in the oven.

"So this day off tomorrow?"

"Yes, you game?

"I suppose I could tear myself away from talking about myself to spend the day with you." She said with a grin on her face.

"The weather is suppose to be nice, how about Central Park?"

"You're going to stroll through Central Park with me?"

Was Elliot Stabler actually a romantic?

"It will be nice, relaxing."

"You surprise me."

"Good, I want to."

She smiled.

"Dinner on the couch tonight?" She asked pulling plates from the cabinet.

"Good… You want to drink out of the blue coffee cup or the white one?"

"Can we add shopping for glasses to our to do list tomorrow?"

"Yes… and which one?"

"The blue one"

He sat her blue cup down on the coffee table beside his.

"5 more minutes"

"Are you going to watch it bake the whole time?"

"What can I say I'm impressed with myself."

She amused herself.

Elliot rolled his eyes.

The truth was, he was impressed with her too.

There she was, standing in her kitchen, decidedly occupying her mind with Chicken Tetrazzini rather than drowning.

She was resilient.

She was born that way.

"I think it's ready!"

He wanted to kiss her right then.

He wanted to kiss her for her resilience, he wanted to kiss her for how excited she was over pasta, he wanted to kiss her because he had wanted to kiss her for so long…

He wouldn't.

Not again, not without her permission.

He sat on the couch with her, with her first official plate of Chicken Tetrazzini.

"This is really good" he said taking his first bite and watching as her face lit up.

"Thanks to your help!"

"I was just your sous-chef."

"Well we've always have made a great team" she said flashing a shy smile.

"Yeah, we have always been a great team."

**Next... Ch 10. - Normal**


	10. Chapter 10

10. Normal

They were waiting for coffee.

"So your therapist let you off the hook?"

"I told her I was spending the day with you."

"And she thought that was a good excuse?"

"She thinks you're good for me."

"Obviously she's a very intelligent woman."

"Obviously" she said grinning.

"One grande latte for you sir, and one grande peppermint latte for your wife."

His wife.

Olivia laughed nervously.

She was no one's wife, never had been.

Why would anyone assume?

Neither corrected the Barista, as Elliot only said thank you as he picked up both cups of coffee, handing one to Olivia.

She took her first sip, the smell and taste of peppermint dissolving her nerves.

"You ready?"

She looked up at Elliot, who she caught watching her once again.

She locked her arm with his, snuggling her body against him.

She had found a place where she fit just right.

Today the sun was shining bright on to the outside world.

It shown as if to give warning this was one of the last few days of fall before it would be too cold.

Too cold to spend a leisurely, normal day with her in Central Park.

"You warm enough?" he asked as they turned down another path.

"Yeah, the sun feels good."

Feeling felt good.

"Lets sit for while?" She said motioning to the park bench.

They sat, still sipping their coffee, watching people as they passed by.

People hand in hand, runners, cell phones, bicycles.

"I like this" she said taking another sip, "being here with you."

Elliot intertwined his fingers with hers.

The world would see.

The world would see he was there with her, touching her, seemingly in love with her.

The squealing laughter of two little girls caught their attention.

Both Olivia and Elliot smiled at their giggles as the younger little girl tried to out run the older one.

"Girls! Slow down! Don't run too far from mommy!"

Elliot watched as Olivia's expression changed.

His heart sank.

"You wanna walk?"

"No, no I'm fine here… if you are."

Her expression hadn't changed.

"Liv?"

She let out a deep breath.

"I can be around kids El."

He shook his head ok.

At that moment he hated he could read her that way.

"Is that how it was with Maureen and Kathleen?"

"Trying to one up each other?"

"And laughing the whole time?"

"Yeah and it was cute until about the age of 10 when they really started to knock the crap out of each other."

Olivia made a breathy laugh, amused.

Silence.

"You know you can try again."

Olivia swallowed hard and then shook her head no.

"You want to have a baby."

"It wasn't meant to be."

"Liv, women have miscarriages and then have healthy pregnancies all the time."

"El why are we talking about this?"

"Because you're thinking about it, and didn't we agree to talk about things instead of you letting them build up inside?"

"Yeah El I'm thinking about it right now… I'm thinking about who can I get to knock me up!"

"I would."

Olivia about jumped from beside him on the bench.

"What!"

"I just… if you want to get pregnant…"

"What? What are you saying, I can use your super sperm? Do I need to remind you that you have 5 kids, and Elliot it's a baby, it's not even like giving me a kidney!"

"I told you I would give you that too."

"You've lost your mind."

"No I've just come to my senses," he said calmly.

"You're kidding me right?"

"No… I would do anything to make you happy."

"I, I… Elliot. Jesus Christ!"

The palm of her hand was pressed to her forehead.

"I didn't mean to freak you out."

"I am totally freaked out."

"I'm sorry."

"What made you say that? How, when did you come to the conclusion you would be willing to give me a baby?"

She thought the conversation was laughable, ridiculous.

He had clearly lost his mind.

"In the elevator" he said, lowering his eyes to the ground as if he felt guilty.

"What? What elevator?"

"That afternoon when you told me you had been turned down for adoption."

Forever ago.

They had turned her down what felt like forever ago.

Though she hadn't forgotten either.

"God Elliot you were married. You have 5 kids… and you were thinking about helping me get pregnant?"

"I just, I know it sounds crazy and I know… I've just always wanted you to be happy and maybe deep down I've always wanted to be the one to make you happy. And knowing you wanted a baby, I just…"

He stopped.

His admission.

Honesty.

A lump in her throat.

Her heart racing.

She thinks maybe she could throw up.

Why does he have this affect on her?

"I think we should stop being so honest."

Their coffee cups empty, their heads filled with admissions.

Silence

"Fuck Elliot! Why do you do that? Why do you say things to me like that?"

"I'm telling you the truth."

"You shouldn't tell me those kind of truths?"

"Yes Olivia I should! That's what you do when you're in a real relationship."

"What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"We're in a relationship?"

"Olivia Benson I'm not fucking around with you!"

"Clearly, because I won't let you."

He stopped to smile.

"Quit being a smart ass, this is serious!"

He even tried not to laugh.

She shook her head, dazed.

"I'm sitting on this bench with you, I'm drinking my latte, I'm thinking about buying glasses at Crate and Barrel and you're telling me we're in a relationship and that you would get me pregnant! I am clearly not the one who has lost their mind!"

"Are you panicking?"

"And now you're not being serious!"

"Liv…"

"We are so fucking complicated."

"We always have been."

"And you thinking about getting me pregnant, shit Elliot when did you conjure this up, while you were sitting across from me in the squad room?"

"Yeah."

"Oh my God."

Elliot stretched his arms around her shoulders, pulling her in to him.

Maybe to comfort her.

Maybe so she wouldn't run.

"Look" he said seriously, "I've told you, and now you know my thoughts on this, you know how I feel about the baby thing. I won't bring it back up ever again. But you can, if you ever want to talk about it again that's what we'll do, talk about it. As crazy or as perfect as it may be."

Crazy

Perfect

Maybe Elliot Stabler was both.

She sat there on the park bench in his arms.

She was stunned, and freaked out, and charmed, and amazed, he had even thought about doing such a thing for her.

For her.

And the baby she had always wanted.

"Crate and Barrel?" He offered, breaking her train of thought.

"Yes please!" she said letting out a bit of laughter.

Elliot laughed as he stood up, taking her hand.

"So I've been thinking about us buying these glasses…"

"Elliot stop talking!"

Next… Ch. 11 - Confessions


	11. Chapter 11

**11. Confessions**

The weekend had passed and she found herself bright and early in the office of her therapist.

Olivia had sworn her ass now made a permanent impression on the couch where she had taken a second residence.

"So how was your day with Elliot?"

Which day?

Yesterday? The day before?

Oh the day she ditched therapy.

Olivia took a deep breath.

Maybe she should warn her therapist, tell her she needed to prepare herself for this one.

"It was good... We bought new glasses at Crate and Barrel for my apartment… and he offered to be the father of my child."

Her therapist looked at her wide-eyed, clearly faltering on her next thought.

"Ok… and how did you feel when he made this admission?"

"I told him he had lost his mind."

"And?"

"And I told him to stop telling me things like that."

"Stop because it makes you uncomfortable?"

"He offered to get me pregnant. Yes, it made me a little uncomfortable."

"Why?"

"Do I have to explain why?" Olivia's voice was calm at this point. In Elliot's words she had already "freaked out". "He already has five kids, why would he want to father another child?"

"Does it seem that he has thought this through?"

"He said he did. That's why I think he's lost his mind."

"You keep saying he's lost his mind, but he obviously cares for you. I would even say loves you, to whatever extent. Is it so far fetched that he would want to do something so grand for you? Or is it beyond your realm of what you consider is acceptable in the relationship between you two?"

"Maybe… I mean is offering to give you a baby in anyone's realm of immediate understanding? And I mean he's Elliot…"

"He's Elliot?"

"He's my best friend, he was my partner. He's just Elliot…"

"The definition of who he is seems hard for you."

"It's complicated. Elliot and I are complicated."

"You've mentioned that before… Olivia we already know you care for him. In previous sessions, you used the word love when describing your feelings for him. So why won't you let yourself accept that you love him. That you love him more than from the bond you formed in your partnership, or more than just a friend?"

"Because I, I can't."

"You can't? You can't admit it? Or is it something deeper? You're afraid he doesn't love you back? You're afraid your confession will turn him away?"

"I'm not sure... Sometimes, most of the time, I'm convinced he feels the same way, but it's just been too long."

"Too long?"

"I've just, I've convinced myself I shouldn't love him, or be in love with him, for too long."

"He was married."

"Yes."

"And now he's not. So why not tell him how you feel. You can open up the conversation."

"What if the conversation doesn't turn out like I've played it out in my head?" She said with a nervous laugh.

She meant that to come out sarcastic.

It came out nervous.

"Life isn't a fantasy Olivia. And your relationship with Elliot, the real relationship with Elliot, the mental and physical relationship doesn't have to be a fantasy. You can allow it to happen."

Olivia shuffled in the chair, making her uneasiness clear.

"We kissed."

Her therapist sat up in her own chair.

This was getting interesting.

"Ok."

"It was good, it was perfect." Olivia was fidgeting. "It was perfect except I stopped us."

"Why?"

"Because I knew if I kissed him I wouldn't stop, I wouldn't want him to stop. I told him I had to be sure I wouldn't hurt him before I could kiss him like that. He promised not to hurt me… I can't hurt him."

"Neither of you can promise you won't hurt each other."

"I know that… but I have to be sure."

"Olivia, I think his feelings for you are loud and clear. You're telling me you believe he is there for you, but you need reassurance you are there for him. That, you can control."

"I've never loved anyone… I've never loved anyone the way I love him. I've never felt more safe, I've never trusted anyone the way I trust him… I've never felt this way."

The words were raining, no pouring from her mouth.

"Isn't that reassurance enough that you will do your best not to hurt him?"

"But my pattern is to run. I've run from him before."

"But we talked about that situation being different. You ran because you felt you couldn't control yourself in the situation. You felt you were too close, it affected your working relationship, it would have affected his marriage."

"Being with Elliot this time is different, it has to be different."

"Well you have to expect it will be different because your intentions are different."

"That's just it, my intentions are different and he's not just some guy…"

Elliot was never just some guy.

"Are you talking about sleeping with him? Or should I pose the question more so about waking up with him?"

Olivia bit her lip.

Bingo

"Your pattern was to run, to leave the man you had slept with behind. You know Elliot, he cares for you. You don't have to protect yourself from an intimate relationship with him.

"He's being so patient with me. I mean what man lies in bed next to a woman night after night and doesn't try and at least make a pass at her?"

"A man that truly cares about the woman he's with."

"I'm trying, I'm learning… I want to wake-up to him after being intimate with him. I want to change my pattern. I want this to be right, I just want it to be right."

"It won't always be right Olivia, nothing is perfect. But you have to give it a chance. You have to give Elliot the chance. Telling Elliot how you really feel, you allowing an intimate relationship with him, you've got a fifty-fifty shot. If you don't tell him you stay as alone and frustrated, if you do tell him there if a huge possibility you both will be happy. Trust your instincts about Elliot. Trust your feelings of being in love with him. It's ok to be happy."

Olivia sat, trying to process everything.

Why had happiness become such an absurd state of being for her?

Why couldn't she just trust her instincts, trust how she felt about him?

"We talked about some other things you could do to occupy your time, healthy choices, have you been working on that?"

Her therapist had made her peace about Elliot.

"Cooking" Olivia said finally taking her eyes away from the plush shag rug beneath her feet. "I started cooking and I started going to a yoga class on Tuesday/Thursday."

"Those both sound like healthy choices. Are you enjoying these activities?"

Therapy questions.

"Yeah, I am. Turns out I'm not such a lousy cook and that and yoga it seems to occupy my mind."

"Cooking, I assume that means your eating habits have improved, and what about sleeping?"

"I've been eating better… and Elliot stays with me now, I can sleep when he's there."

God she sounded so co-dependent on Elliot.

But her therapist said nothing. She guessed she would try and fix a co-dependency issue in the near future.

"Olivia I am proud of you. You're making great progress."

"Yeah, yeah I am."

She was doubtful.

"How about we chat on Wednesday morning? Go home, work on trusting yourself, trusting your feelings. It's ok that the new Olivia has Elliot in her life in a different way than the old Olivia did. It's ok."

Great her therapist was a sap.

A sucker for love.

Hearts and flowers, butterflies and rainbows.

"I'll see you on Wednesday."

Olivia's path home.

The door chimed when she set foot back in to the overstuffed bookstore.

"Cooking dinner must have gone well if you're back so soon." The clerk said smiling over his wire-rimmed glasses.

"You remember me?" She asked surprised.

"Of course! The cooking rookie! What can I help you with today? Tex-Mex, Mediterranean, more Italian?"

"Actually I was thinking of trying dessert."

"Ah now there definitely is a cookbook in here that can help." The clerk reached for a thicker, brown covered book, filled with vibrant pictures of sinful desserts. "Take a look at this one, not too complicated."

"You seem to know a lot about cooking."

"I do, my wife and I both like to cook. Actually, I like to cook with my wife. It's nice spending time with her in the kitchen. Tight spaces, good food." he said grinning.

Olivia smiled.

She knew.

Olivia flipped through the pages of lemon tarts and fudge brownies.

"I'll take it."

"I like a woman full of adventure!" The clerk said pleased.

That was Olivia, full of adventure.

The wrong kind of adventure.

A few hours later Olivia stood in her kitchen starring at the pan of brownies.

The dark chocolate lay flat in the pan, resembling nothing of the example in the "picture shown above".

She was disappointed they hadn't turned out, but too distracted to care.

It was passed ten when Elliot got to her apartment.

"Hi there." Elliot said immediately wrapping his arms around her.

"Hi… finally got away?"

"Yeah… no real suspects yet… you baked? He said assessing the brownies.

"They didn't turn out so good."

"I bet they taste good."

"Yeah maybe."

Her lack of excitement was obvious.

"Baking takes practice." He said tugging at his tie and then at her hand to follow him in to the bedroom as he turned off the lights one by one.

He knew whatever was on her mind, it wasn't brownies.

She sat down on the bed as Elliot changed.

Olivia laughed to herself when she realized how many times in her life she had seen Elliot standing in front of her in just his briefs.

Locker rooms, the time she pretended to be a prostitute to not get caught when he was undercover...

"Tell me about your day." He said pulling the covers down from the bed, motioning for Olivia to crawl in.

"Thought provoking."

Elliot raised his brow, not expecting that answer as he pulled a t-shirt over his head.

"Wanna tell me what you were thinking about?"

"You sure you wanna know?"

Elliot looked at Olivia, her face full of worry.

"I wanna know." He said crawling in bed beside her, wrapping his arms once again around her.

"I spent the day thinking about you."

"Well the look on your face is not very encouraging now that I know you were thinking about me."

"I'm sorry, its just, I guess I should, I should…"

Fumbling.

"Olivia?"

"In therapy today… I've talked about you in therapy."

"I assumed you did."

"But I talk about how I feel about you, how I honestly feel about you. And my therapist thinks its time I tell you."

Here goes nothing.

"I'm still not getting if this is a good thing or a bad thing because you look like you're in pain."

"I am kind of, but it's me not you." she said laughing nervously.

"Ok… Liv talk to me."

"I'm a little afraid, because if I confess and you don't feel the same."

"Confess?"

Her heart was pounding.

His too.

"Elliot, I love you."

There, it was done.

She still looked to be in utter pain.

Elliot grinned.

He hoped she was breathing.

"It's good you're smiling. That at least means I didn't scare you."

"You didn't scare me."

"You understand what I'm saying? I mean I love you, like more than the fact that you're my best friend, or that you were my partner. I'm in love with you and I think I have been, no I know I have been for a long time. And I'm just going with my gut, and what makes me happy and you make me happy. It makes me happy to love you."

Rambling.

"Liv" he was still grinning, "I love you too."

"No, you don't have to say that just because I needed to…"

"Liv I wouldn't just say that. I've loved you for a long time as my partner, as my best friend…" her face covered in worry, "But I fell in love with you, and trust me it took a while to accept my feelings because they came at the most inappropriate and in opportune times… but God, Liv I love you, I'm in love with you."

She shook her head ok.

The therapist was right, she had a 50/50 shot.

Their feelings no longer a fantasy, no longer an underlying, unspoken fantasy.

Olivia sat up in bed, looking at Elliot.

"It's been so long."

"I know."

"It was so hard."

"I know," he said his voice cracking.

"I'm not sure if I want to cry or scream at this moment."

"A little of both may be in order."

"Why did this confession seem so easy when everything has been so hard?"

"Maybe it makes it all worth it? Makes it all the more perfect?"

She smiled.

Just the right thing to say.

"Elliot?" she said her voice only making a whisper.

"Yeah?"

"I want to kiss now."

"You sure?"

"I want to kiss and not stop."

"That sounds good," he said letting out a bit of laughter in anticipation.

She didn't lean in to kiss him, instead she hovered her body over his letting the charm of her necklace and then her breast graze against his chest.

Her eyes were gleaming and dark.

"This is real right? This is happening?" He said against the lobe of her ear.

"This is real and yes this is happening," she said, before her lips crashed in to his.

Next… Ch 12. Touch


	12. Chapter 12

Ch. 12 Touch

A hello and an incredible black dress.

A black dress that fit every square inch of her.

To the peeks of her breasts, the revelation of every curve, her long, olive toned legs.

The sight of her only fueled the obsession he now had with kissing her.

An obsession she started.

Standing in her apartment, her high heels almost leveling her with him, her back against her front door, because that's as far as they could get before he was tugging at her bottom lip between his own lips.

He could feel her breathing. Her chest rising and falling against his.

Why did she taste so good?

Why did she smell so good?

Why was she, so good?

He now had found himself unsatisfied with only the permission to kiss her. Now he ached to touch her.

Not the palm of his hand at her back, not his fingers grazing her arm…touching her.

Intimately.

"Hey… Hey dinner?" She said pulling away with a grin.

"Yeah we should uh, yeah I guess we should go," Elliot said, his body still buzzing from her.

He placed one last kiss to her cheek before helping her with her coat.

How she controlled herself he would never know.

"Liv you look amazing tonight."

She was beautiful, no stunning.

She was the Olivia he very seldom got to see.

She was the Olivia that always made him jealous, she was Olivia that was on a date with another man.

Tonight she was with him.

He wanted to take her to dinner.

No greasy spoon, no all night diner.

Dinner with a little black dress.

The restaurant was crowded, and anyone would have gone unnoticed.

Olivia wasn't just anyone.

Elliot snaked his arm around her waist letting his hand fall at her hip.

He wanted everyone who starred at her to know she was with him.

Though he belonged to her.

"Your menus, and here is our wine list. Your server will be with you shortly."

Elliot placed the wine list to the side and picked up his menu. He caught Olivia picking up the wine list, taking a glance.

"There's a couple of great Cabs here."

She didn't stumble.

Her statement perfectly normal, said perfectly clear.

This is where her worlds collided.

Elliot hesitated.

But she was calm.

"Liv."

Olivia looked up at Elliot to see the panic on his face. "Oh… El, I can have a glass of wine."

"Are you sure that's ok, I mean I know you're not… I mean…"

"Elliot. I know why I was drinking before."

"Liv I just want…"

"I was drinking before to forget, to numb myself. I understand that now." She was upfront, honest, unwavering. "I haven't had a drink in weeks and I have no intentions of forgetting tonight or numbing anything that I may want to feel later." she said raising her brow.

He exhaled.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insinuate you shouldn't drink. You know yourself."

God he hoped he was right.

He hoped she knew herself.

"I didn't a few weeks ago… A few weeks ago I would have been drunk before I left my apartment. But now I know what I was doing and I don't want to go there again, feel like that again…" She was silent for a moment.

The wine list now sat on the table in front of her, her hands now fidgeting in her lap. "I won't have a glass of wine if you don't want me to. If you don't think I should."

"Liv, I believe you. I trust you."

She was biting her lip.

Her eyes had gone dark.

"Maybe you shouldn't trust me," she confessed.

Words failed Elliot.

Oh God, oh God.

"Um… let's um, let's just order food ok." She said trying to erase every word that had just been exchanged between them. "I'm starving. You have to be starving too."

Elliot shook his head agreeing.

Though he could have just lost his appetite.

He watched her take in a purposeful deep breath.

He reached for her hand across the table, pulling her palm to his mouth.

He kissed her palm letting her racing pulse beat against his lips.

The wine list left discarded on the table.

This is where her worlds collided.

Rain had set in by the time they had finished dinner.

The outside world they had left a little over an hour ago was now drenched in cold rain.

"We could see a movie?" Elliot said trying to offer a solution and not let the rain ruin their evening.

Or the conversation about her drinking ruin their evening.

"Can we just go back to your place? It's close."

"Sure. I've almost forgotten what it looks like anyway."

He hoped his smile would assure her.

Elliot hailed the next cab in sight and he hurried a quickly soaked Olivia in to the back seat.

They sat in the cab in silence, letting the rain pelting against the windows, fill any empty space.

The cab pulled up to Elliot's apartment and they quickly tried to vacate the cab and get inside.

This time his suit jacket nor her over coat withstood the rain.

Olivia found herself amused as they rode the elevator to the 6th floor.

"You think this is funny huh?"

He liked that her mood had changed.

"I feel like a drowned rat! So much for being sexy for you." She said giving him a quick glance.

"Sexy for me? Ms. Benson you never have to try and be sexy, you are sexy. Water logged or not."

The elevator door opened and Olivia followed Elliot inside his apartment.

They both quickly shed their coats and she left her shoes by the door

Her bare feet flattened against the hard wood floor.

"You're soaked. I'll get you some dry clothes."

Olivia looked around. "I know now why you would rather stay with me at my apartment."

"Why's that?" He asked from his bedroom.

"Your apartment sucks Elliot. There's nothing here and it's all guy… there is no feminine touch."

"You sound like Kathleen!"

Olivia laughed heartily.

"Would you get your ass in here and change your clothes?" Elliot said waiving a t-shirt and boxers at her.

Olivia followed him in to his bedroom, taking the dry clothes from him.

"Will you unzip me?" She said with her back now towards him and already lifting her hair off of her neck.

Elliot took a deep breath in.

No big deal.

Just a zipper.

Elliot tugged at the zipper and watched as it slid down her back and her skin appeared.

"Thanks" she said making her way to the bathroom.

Elliot quickly found dry clothes of his own, pulling on sweatpants and a t-shirt.

"I know the t-shirt is too big but will the boxers work?" he said through the cracked door.

"They work," she said pulling the door open for him to see for himself.

They barely stayed on her hip and she had them rolled up at the waist…

The word MARINES lay across her chest, interrupted by her erect nipples that where obviously no longer confined to her bra.

He was staring, she knew he was staring.

She knew what she was doing.

"That t-shirt on you... You look good in that t-shirt."

She blushed, then grinned at how flustered he was.

"Settle down Stabler, it's just a t-shirt."

She knew what she was doing.

Don't touch her Stabler, not until she gives you permission.

He would go at her pace.

Her pace had its rewards.

Olivia left him standing there as she pulled down the covers to his bed and got in.

She climbed in, on her side of the bed as if she had slept there a million times.

She didn't seem nervous or second-guessing.

Elliot crawled in beside her.

He then understood why it was so easy to crawl in his bed. Getting in bed beside her had become second nature.

She felt the same.

She snuggled in beside him.

Elliot could tell her mind was occupied.

"Liv, I really do want to apologize about the wine thing. I would never want to insinuate …"

She pressed the tip of her finger to his lips.

"No more talking about the wine ok? You were only looking out for me."

He nodded ok.

That's all she had to say about.

Swept under the rug.

Olivia leaned in and began kissing him.

Her kisses were deliberate and intense.

God - its me, Elliot, please have mercy on me.

Olivia stopped kissing him long enough to look in to Elliot's eyes as if she were reading his thoughts.

She grinned.

She gave him quick kisses to his jaw line and then looked at him once again.

"I can't stop kissing you."

"I don't want you to stop kissing me."

"We can't turn back now""

"I don't want to."

"Then touch me," she said her voice low, her eyes steady.

"I want to so badly."

Olivia guided Elliot's hand under her t-shirt, letting his hands graze against the skin of her stomach and then left him at her breasts.

"You've been staring at them for years." she said grinning.

"God I know." he admitted, defeated.

What was he gonna lie?

"Touch" she instructed. "Everywhere."

The permission he needed.

God gave mercy.

Elliot kissed down her neck as his right hands began to knead her breasts.

He had wondered for years how her breasts would fit in his hands.

She tugged at his t-shirt, until she got it over his head.

"I just want to feel your skin on my skin." she said, her eyes closed as if she were wishing.

Elliot pulled her against him, her back pressed to his chest.

He had one hand still on her breast the other hand roaming down her belly.

He felt her move closer to him.

He reached, pulling the boxers a little further down her hips, revealing the lacey band of her panties.

The first time he had seen her in her panties she was passed out drunk in her own bed.

The Second time she was lying in his bed.

She reached back, running her hand down his thigh, feeling his arousal pressing in to her.

She let her hand find his once again.

She pressed her palm against the back of his hand, guiding him under the waistband of her panties.

In her head she was screaming his name.

In her head she had already lost control.

Wet

God have mercy.

His lips to her neck , the arm snaked around her at her breast, the other hand now…

The other hand suddenly felt how wet she was.

"Olivia"

Her name slipped from his lips.

She was so wet that he had only pressed his hand to her and he could feel what was waiting for him.

Her breaths were short.

The anticipation.

She had touched herself so many times, pleasured herself thinking about his hands touching her like this.

She was trying to control her body.

She could feel his fingers begin to move, and then the tip of his finger press in to her wet folds.

It was quiet.

Just rain against the window sills.

They didn't speak, he only touched her.

His left hand roaming her body, his right hand dipping inside of her.

If this was a competition of who would last the longest, either would gladly give in.

His finger slid across her clit.

She watched.

"Elliot."

He voice sounded desperate.

"I've wanted to touch you for so long, you're so beautiful." He said pressing his lips in to her shoulder.

"Clothes off," she said, barely audible.

He pulled his hand from between her legs.

Boxers gone.

She sat up enough that he pulled the t-shirt from her.

He grinned, he grinned like a 15-year-old boy getting to see breasts.

Her breasts.

She lay there nothing but her panties left.

"I would think about you… think about what was underneath your clothes. I would imagine the way every curve would lead to another. You are so perfect Olivia," he said pulling her panties down her long legs.

"El, I'm not."

"Perfect, to me you're perfect."

She blushed at his insistence.

"I want to taste you," he said looking for her reaction. "Every inch of your perfect body."

Olivia's lips curled in to a devilish smile as she reached to kiss Elliot once again.

Then down her neck, her shoulders, her breasts, one kiss after the other. He kissed the palms of her hands slowly, letting Olivia know how he worshiped her. He kissed down her belly, the outline of her hip bones, until he made it back in between her legs.

Olivia spread her legs further apart, inviting him.

Elliot kissed down the inside of her thighs.

His made sure his eyes kept in contact with hers. Holding her stare with his.

His lips kissed her center and before she could revel in the contact, his mouth began to devour her, lapping up her wetness, teasing her clit, his tongue dipping inside of her.

No one could say he was not a patient man.

But now he would get what he wanted.

Her.

"You taste so good," he said as the air of his short panting breaths send shivers through her.

His hands roamed her body, tugging at her skin as he continued to bury his mouth in to her.

The look on her face.

Her head tilted back.

Her own hands burrowing in to his shoulder and caressing his head against her.

He had become relentless and was determined to hear her come for the first time.

"Baby come for me!"

"El I am… don't stop, please!"

He didn't.

Relentless.

Her body tensed as waves of orgasm shot through her.

"Elliot… Elliot" was all she could say as breaths escaped her.

The sound of her coming, the sight of her shuttering.

Elliot's tongue took a few more laps, teasing her.

"Elliot!" She said not being able to take anymore.

He kissed his way back up her body, the collapsing on top of her still heaving chest.

"God, I've been missing that my whole life." She said laughing.

Euphoric laughter.

Elliot grinned satisfied he had satisfied her.

He now lay beside her, thankful he had managed to not come himself, with the sight of her naked body alone.

Olivia began to kiss him, she began to tug at his sweatpants feeling for the bulge beneath.

Elliot stopped her.

"Tonight, I wanted you. You can make it up to me next time. Just relax."

He pulled her against him once again. He ran his hand up her thigh, resting on her naked hip.

God have mercy.

Just to lie next to her, just to be able to touch her.

**Next… Ch. 13 Doubt **


	13. Chapter 13

**Ch. 13 Doubt **

Usually the sun had risen by now, but the rain that had fallen all through the night would now fall all the next day.

Elliot awoke reaching for Olivia, but his hand slid across the cool, empty sheets instead.

An empty space.

He had woke-up with her morning after morning, but not this morning.

Did she run?

Did she do exactly what they both feared?

Was last night too complicated to stay?

He came to his senses.

Coffee was brewing, his heart was beating.

She didn't run.

Elliot got out of bed, instantly feeling this morning was colder than the morning before as his bare feet padded across the hardwood floor.

She was in plain sight.

She sat on the kitchen counter; she had found a sweatshirt, though her long, dangling legs were still bare.

She sat on the kitchen counter, her shoulders slumped, her elbows pressed in to her knees, her face planted in her hands.

There she was, the old Olivia.

The sound of the coffee maker rumbled.

"Morning" Elliot said, his voice still scratchy from sleep.

She looked up instantly, her back straightening.

"Hi… I made coffee".

She had prepared her statement.

"Thanks" he said kissing her.

He would now not kiss her.

She kissed back.

Elliot wrapped his arms around her, and she found herself in a firm embrace with him as she locked her legs around him.

They kissed.

"Hey… you ok this morning?" he said running his hands up and down the outside of her thighs.

It didn't seem so.

"It's just the weather, and just not in my routine you know?"

Sure, everyone likes their routine.

Especially those who relied on the normalcy of their routine to get them through the day.

The look on her face was familiar.

She was having a hard time.

"Can I make you some breakfast?"

He would try normalcy.

She shook her head no.

He took a deep breath.

"Talk."

"It's nothing El, it's just a weird morning for me." She said her eyes wandering and unfocused.

"Weird? Liv is this about us? About last night?"

"No, no… it's not. El, it's not. Ok?"

The look on her face pleaded that he understand.

"Ok... You're just havin' a bad morning?"

He was trying to be understanding.

Trying to figure this out.

Trying to make it better.

"You think I'm crazy?" She said letting out the slightest bit of nervous laughter.

She wasn't joking.

"Liv, no. Why would I think that?"

"I feel a little crazy…"

"Hey, you gotta cut yourself some slack."

"I just want to have one good day. A day that's not lost in the thought of how out of control I feel, or that I can't have a damn glass of wine, or that I can't just have sex with the man I love without being afraid I'm gonna screw that up too! I just want to wake up and go to bed not feeling like I could crawl out of my fucking skin."

Out of control.

A glass of wine.

Sex with the man she loved.

Where to begin?

"It's gonna take time."

"Time? Time for what? The meds to work? Therapy to work? Time for me to snap out of it?"

She ran her hands through her hair, he could tell her mind was racing, he could tell how frustrated she was.

She didn't want to discuss it.

"I need to go."

"Liv, no"

"You need to go to work and I have therapy this morning. Obviously I need it!" She said pushing him aside with her body as jumped off of the counter.

He grabbed her by the arm pulling her against him, holding her chest to chest, his arms wrapping around her, almost bear hugging her.

He held tight expecting her to wriggle through his arms.

Instead she stood there against him, her body not faltering.

"I will let you go, but you're not walking away and you're definitely not walking out. No one blames you for your feelings, no one is telling you to get over it, or even how long you should feel like this. You need time, and stop being so hard on yourself! You have to understand you're gonna get better, you're gonna feel better. And you have to understand that you're not drowning, you're just having to tread the water to stay afloat a little harder... But you will get better."

She shook her head agreeing.

She wanted to believe him.

Elliot reached, running his hands through the waves of her hair left by last nights down pour.

She wanted to believe him.

Her lips suddenly crash in to his.

She was kissing him and tears were falling down her cheeks.

He lifted her back to her seated position on the counter. He wants to console her, and he wants to make sure she doesn't just walk away.

She is kissing and trying to catch her breath. She is sobbing and her emotions are wild.

She isn't yelling, she's kissing.

Elliot will let her though he recognizes how not ok she was.

She was not ok.

All of the progress she had made… she had only traded in sex with strangers and drinking for depression, for anxiety.

What is worse being numb? Or feeling?

She pulled away, immediately wiping her tears, sniffling.

She was embarrassed that she has broken down like this.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Don't say you're sorry. You gotta do this, you've gotta cry some over this."

She swiped at her tears one more time before again making her way off of the counter.

"Do you have eggs?"

Elliot took a moment assessing her before he answered.

"Yeah I think there's a few left in the fridge."

"You go and get in the shower. I'm gonna make eggs. "

It was over. End scene.

Resilient Olivia.

He hoped that her resilience didn't actually catch up with her one day with a debt to pay.

"I'll be out in a few," he said hesitantly making his way to the bedroom.

He listened for hee movements, her progress before turning on the shower. He needed confirmation she was at least occupied by eggs before he could leave her alone.

He spent most of his time in the shower with his face pressed against the cold tile.

Hot water, cold tile.

He felt neither.

He was worried and trying to problem solve, but he couldn't come up with an answer.

He couldn't fix her.

Her little black dress caught his eyes, hanging on the back of the bathroom door.

He dressed quickly and rummaged through a stack of clothes in his closet.

"Yoga pants" he said holding up the black leggings to her. "That's what Maureen calls them. They're hers… I thought maybe you could wear them. All you have is your dress…"

Olivia lets out a small smile taking the pants from him.

"And guess what? Kathleen left a pair of tennis shoes… Lucky for you I got enough kids to complete your wardrobe."

She rolled her eyes, humored.

He was trying.

God he was trying.

By the time the hour was up he had resolved that he had to leave her.

She had repeated twice she was ok… and he would accept her answer though now he knew not to necessarily believe her.

A hour and a goodbye kiss, he left her in his sweatshirt and bare legs promising to meet her at her apartment later.

She took a shower, tried to steady herself, make herself presentable, believable.

She left in Elliot's sweatshirt, Maureen's yoga pants, Kathleen's shoes.

She was out of sorts and out of her own clothes, out in to the rainy city.

She had confession in 30 minutes and her judge would instantly notice her difference in wardrobe and not care for her breakdown this morning…

She sat down in the chair, she found herself not having much to say, despite question after question being asked.

"You've become intimate with Elliot. Are you ok with the how fast the relationship is progressing now?"

"It's not being with Elliot. I've wanted to be with him for so long…"

"But?"

"It's so stupid."

"What do you think is stupid?"

"I slept at his apartment. Actually I didn't really sleep at all, and then this morning I was just kind of freaking out."

"Freaking out how?"

"I just couldn't get myself together. I wasn't comfortable, I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin."

"You weren't comfortable in Elliot's apartment?"

"I told you it was stupid."

"Olivia it's not stupid. It's not stupid to need to wake up to familiarity right now. You have taken your life from out of control, to trying to get back in control. One of your constants is your surroundings. If waking up in Elliot's apartment was too much, it just meant you weren't ready to not have one of your constants. That's ok."

"I just feel like a freak. I'm a grown woman, and I've been waking up with Elliot for weeks now… why can't that be enough security, enough of a constant?"

"Because maybe your brain is still waking up in strange places. Maybe, even though you're with Elliot your brain is telling you you're not in your safe place."

"So what? I tell Elliot I can only have sex in my apartment because my brain still thinks I'm sleeping around?"

"Yes"

Olivia shook her head, appreciating her therapist candidness.

"So you said you didn't sleep much? Was there anything else on your mind?"

On her mind?

Elliot's face place planted between her thighs wasn't enough for her to not be able to sleep?"

Or was it the red wine.

"I don't think the meds are working. Shouldn't they work by now?" she said disregarding the question.

"You should be seeing some improvement in your moods, yes."

"Then they're not working."

"We can prescribe something else."

"So you couldn't sleep? Was there anything else on your mind?"

The avoidance tactic didn't work.

Olivia fidgeted in her chair.

"We went to dinner… and it was nice. It felt normal and it felt so good to just be there with him."

"And?"

"And we sat down at the table and I picked up the wine list… and I mentioned getting a glass of wine. And it was just… just that awkward moment when you realize things aren't normal. That you can't be trusted."

"You doubted yourself? You doubted you could handle having just one glass of wine?"

Olivia's eyes dug into the floor below.

"Olivia?"

"He doubted me."

Fuck

"He said he trusted me, that I knew what I could handle."

"You didn't believe him."

"He didn't believe it."

"And you, you believe you could handle it, though he doubted you?"

"I was drinking to forget, I was drinking because I had intentions of sleeping with strangers and I wanted to numb my body. I'm not an alcoholic."

"I don't believe you are."

"My mother drank her self in to oblivion everyday…"

"And you don't. You don't need alcohol. I believe you when you say your reason for drinking before, and that it's no longer appealing."

"You trust me?"

She had told Elliot that maybe he shouldn't.

"Yes Olivia. I trust you."

Olivia went silent.

"You need to work on trusting yourself, your own instincts. You obviously have trusted yourself in the past because you had to take care of yourself. Try and find that part of yourself. And if you have to, figure out a way to earn your own trust back."

Olivia shook her head, agreeing

"I'll see you on Monday Olivia."

Yeah, yeah she knew the drill.

Back out in to the real world.

The rain was now only a slight drizzle and she could make her way from one covered store front to the other without getting soaked.

She left her therapists office determined to trust herself.

Trust herself that she could get through this, that she could wake up with Elliot anywhere, that she could have a glass of wine…

She just wanted to trust herself again.

Her destination was familiar and wasn't far.

The door chimed as she entered the store.

Olivia look around, bottle after bottle.

Counties, vineyards, years, types of grapes.

"Can I help you with something?"

"Yeah um… could you suggest a Cabernet… just an inexpensive bottle."

Olivia was perfectly able to pick out her own bottle of wine. But she rather let someone else choose, it made her purchase seem more thoughtless that way.

"Well I can certainly help you with that…"

The saleswoman was chatty. Olivia was not.

"Is this wine for a particular meal? Red meat? Pork?"

"Um I'm uh cooking around the wine." She said giving a charming, believable smile as she lied.

"Ah I understand. Well I'm going to suggest this bottle here. It's one of my favorite wines. I find it good with most meals or just to have a glass. Not too sweet, very smooth."

"Sounds great. Thank you."

She gripped the wine bottle shaped paper bag between her forearm and her body.

Hanging on for dear life, she walked, weaving in and out of the street traffic trying to keep up the pace.

She would be home soon.

Her control.

Behind the walls where she could open that bottle of wine and test her doubts about herself.

Test Elliot's doubts.

"Liv?"

He made his way in to the apartment immediately eyeing the open bottle of wine sitting on the counter.

"Liv?"

She was sitting on the couch, in front of her was a glass of wine, clearly untouched.

"What are you doing?"

No hello

She turned, startled that he was there.

She hadn't heard in come in, her mind occupied.

Home early.

Behind her walls.

He caught her.

"Olivia…"

She let out a nervous laugh.

"I'm trying to prove to myself it's just a glass of wine."

"And?"

"And I've been sitting here starring at it for the last hour."

"Why are you torturing yourself?"

"Cause I have to know that I am in control of this. That alcohol was just part of the game and not something that I was addicted to. "

"Can I sit?"

She shook her head yes as he sat down on the couch beside her.

He leaned in kissing the side of her head.

She immediately leaned in to him and he wrapped his arms around her.

Holding her.

Holding on for dear life, like she held the bottle of wine.

"Liv you didn't drink it. You didn't want to, you didn't. That means something."

"It means the wine doesn't matter. I believe that now. You have to believe that too."

"I told you last night I believed you. If you said you could handle it, I believed you."

"You doubted me Elliot. The look on your face was so frightened that I in turn doubted myself. You always want me to be so honest. You need to be honest and tell me you didn't trust me. That you doubted me."

"I didn't mean to doubt you. I didn't. I just don't know what the catalyst is to make you better and all I know is that when you weren't ok, you were drinking."

"I told you why I was drinking."

"I know."

"My therapist told me I have to learn to trust myself again, that I have to be able to listen to my instincts."

"I agree."

"And I do too. That's why I bought the bottle of wine. I know it's ok to have a glass. I know that I'm not going to run out and get high and have sex with a stranger… I know that about myself. I trust myself."

"Good, good."

"But Elliot I need to know you trust me. I have doubts about myself when you don't because you're all I have. You're all I've had for a long time and I've always put stock in to what you think."

"And it's hurt you…"

"It has… but I love you. And even though I couldn't admit it at the time, I let what you think hurt me because I loved you."

"I'm such an asshole, I've always been an asshole."

"Not always, just sometimes." She said smiling.

Olivia got up, pouring a second glass of wine, and handing it to him.

"I'm going to learn to trust myself again. I want you to trust me again too."

"I will. I promise I will."

She held up her glass to Elliot.

"To trust, and each other." she said curving her mouth in to a smile.

The glasses clinked and she held the glass to her lips as did he.

The both too a sip of the wine as reverent as if it were the blood of Christ.

"I'm ok, are you ok?"

"I'm definitely ok," he said with a grin to assure her.

Olivia took their glasses and sat them on the coffee table. She climbed on top of him, settling against his body.

She leaned in kissing him, gently tugging at his bottom lip with her teeth.

"I am sorry I woke up so out of whack this morning"

"Olivia…"

"I can't wake up in your apartment for a while," she said interrupting him.

"Ok?" He said confused.

"I've got issues," she said actually laughing.

He didn't laugh.

"It seems that my apartment is my constant, my safe haven. And right now I need to wake up in my own little safe haven."

"That makes sense." he said still serious.

"So you're just gonna have to stay here with me for the time being."

"I think I can handle that. Besides I like your apartment better, it has that feminine touch" he said joking.

She grinned.

"And I know I just need time."

"Take all the time you need. I'll be right here."

"I know you will," she said as began to dabble kisses against his neck.

**Next... Ch. 14 - Fulfilled**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 - Fulfill

Midnight came; he was lying in her bed, his body filling the space beside hers.

She lay there awake, watching him.

Tracing every line, every peak of muscle on his bare chest with her eyes.

Watching him.

His eyes closed, his lips slightly parted, his chest rising and falling.

She wanted him.

She contemplated, she decided.

She couldn't wait any longer; her body couldn't wait any longer.

She wanted him, and she would wake him to have him.

She leaned in to him, her mouth dragging across his chest.

His skin gathering under her lips.

He ran his hand down her arm letting her know he was awake.

Wide awake.

Olivia looked at Elliot and grinned.

"Did I wake you?"

Devilish, devilish grin.

She wanted him.

She had a need to fulfill.

She resumed her kisses.

She pressed against his skin with the palms of her hands as she began to roam his body.

His skin grew increasingly warm against hers.

She was fire.

Her lips making their way to his.

She kissed slow, seductive.

Her tongue twisting and turning with his.

She sat up, then sliding her bare leg across his body.

She straddled him, watching the enamored look on his face.

"I want you," she said not letting her voice above a whisper.

He grinned.

She leaned down and kissed him once again.

"Do you want me?" she asked innocently as she held her lips inches from his.

Devilishly.

"I want you so much."

His eyes were piercing blue even in the dim, moonlit room.

She could feel her want for him between her legs, her panties were soaked before she even touched him.

She pressed her core against his belly, so he could feel her, feel how wet she was.

"Olivia" was all he managed to say as he tugged at her hips, pressing her further against him.

Her fingers gripped the hem of her t-shirt and pulled it over her head.

Slow, seductive as she revealed her breasts to him.

"God you're so beautiful," Elliot said, as his hands immediately touching her.

She kissed his lips, his jaw line, the lobe of his ear.

Her hands roaming down his chest, between his thighs, feeling how hard he was for her under his briefs.

Olivia began to kiss down Elliot's chest, letting the tip of her tongue swirl around each of his hardened nipples and then trailing further down his stomach.

Kissing, licking, nibbling.

She leaned up hooking one finger at the waist of her panties.

She tugged.

She repeated the action on the other side, her panties falling to her knees.

She stepped out of them one leg at a time as Elliot watched.

Slow, seductive.

Elliot watched.

She had, had this fantasy before, where he watched.

She held her panties in her hand, running the silk against Elliot's chest before tossing them to the floor.

He was a fool.

All Elliot could think was what a fool he was for never seeing her completely naked before.

He couldn't stop touching her.

His whole being ached for her.

"I've waited so long to have you inside me." Olivia said lifting her brow. "I can't wait any longer."

Elliot raised up to capture her lips as he prayed he could last longer than her little seduction. He couldn't wait any longer either.

Olivia dug her hands down in to the waistband of Elliot's briefs pulling them down, paying careful attention to his now aching hard on.

She kissed his stomach, and the curve of his hips before she hovered herself over Elliot.

She hovered just enough that her erect nipples teased his skin.

This was it.

Elliot and Olivia were no longer separated by what ifs or want to's.

Kissing, kissing, heart pounding.

"I'm on the pill," she said assuring him.

Elliot shook his head, continuing their kiss.

"We can use other…"

"Liv" he said quieting her.

She stopped.

"I have to tell you I always used a condom… always…"

He shook his head ok.

"Do you want to use a condom?" Elliot asked trying to read her sudden concern.

"I just didn't know how you felt about me..."

"How I feel about you?"

"El, we both know, I've slept around… I mean not some crazy number of people. But you know I've slept with strangers."

Suddenly she felt ashamed.

Ashamed of her choices, ashamed of whom her body had been with.

"Liv, I trust you. And I want to be with you. I want to feel what it's like to be inside you… And just so you know, I hope you got the sleeping with strangers or anyone else for that matter out of your system, because I want to be the only man you ever sleep with. And I'll make sure you're satisfied with that."

She grinned instantly.

She could be satisfied with that.

What Elliot didn't know is that for the last decade of her life, he had been the only man.

Not physically, but mentally he was the only man she had been with.

His hands ran down her body, resting at her hips. "Now where were we?"

She pressed herself against his tip, letting her wetness cover him.

"You're so wet." He moaned as he reached to guide himself in to her.

His body slid in to hers.

He couldn't believe he was inside her, finally connected to her.

The way she felt was completely fulfilling, physically and emotionally.

She took a second to adjust to him before she slowly began to rock her hips back and forth.

He watched her body in motion.

Her hips, her thighs, her breasts, her hands.

All in a fluent, rhythmic motion.

Elliot pulled Olivia deeper in to him.

Rhythm slow and deliberate.

Rocking back and forth, grinding herself in to him.

The sheer friction of their bodies would send her over the edge soon.

"Come for me baby," she said as her breaths became labored.

He was on the edge. "Come with me." He said barely able to command.

"I'm coming," she said pressing herself in to him, picking up the pace of her rhythm.

Her orgasm quickly began to shatter through her.

She tightened her muscles around Elliot, throwing him over the edge as he came inside of her.

"Elliot."

"Olivia."

She rocked her hips once again, pushing that last bit of climax for both of them.

She collapsed on his chest.

Both of them gasping for air, their chests heaving against the others.

"So good" she said her mouth pressing in to the muscle of his neck.

Elliot rolled her over on to her back, and finding the sheet to cover her.

"It only gets better." Elliot said embracing her naked body against his.

She kissed him once again before settling in to his arms.

"I can't help but feel this is all a bit surreal." She said confessing.

"I know." Elliot said as his fingers lazily grazed her skin.

"Here we are."

Elliot grinned.

Happiness.

"And God, I'm so happy to be here."

She laughed.

she was too.

"Thank you for being patient with me."

"I would have waited forever for you Olivia."

"It felt like forever."

"I know, I know."

Elliot kissed her neck, her shoulders, satisfied with the goose bumps that had formed on her skin.

"Are you hungry?"

"Are you kidding?"

She shook her head no.

"Are you really going to get out of this bed?" Elliot said, propping himself up to see her face.

"There's left over pizza!" Olivia said laughing. "I worked up an appetite."

"Fine" he said watching as her body peered out from under the covers.

Elliot grabbed her arm pulling her towards him before she could make it out of bed.

"I will get you back in this bed Olivia Benson."

"I don't think you'll have a problem." She said as she left him there to follow.

Naked

Elliot had slid on some sweats, but she hadn't bothered.

She was standing in her kitchen naked.

"Jesus this is the best slice of pizza I've ever had."

Olivia laughed "You haven't taken a bite yet."

"I'm too distracted by your nakedness."

Elliot's free hand pulled her to him.

"I'm enjoying my pizza Stabler."

"Don't mind me." He said, his lips devouring her neck.

She was trying hard to focus on her 2am snack.

Pizza forgotten as Elliot backed her into the kitchen cabinet.

"Want you" was all he managed to say before lifting her on to the counter.

They kissed feverishly.

Olivia pushed his sweats down his hips, they fell to the ground and Elliot quickly stepped out of them.

Elliot drug Olivia's body to the edge of the counter where he entered her.

His hands gripping her, holding her in place as he wasted no time to push in and out of her.

Her hands gripping his shoulders, hanging on with every thrust.

"God!' was all that escaped her mouth.

He continued his thrusting inside of her, as his thumb pulsed against her clit.

Moans escaped them both and neither cared.

Both screamed obscenities, and God, and each other's names as they both came.

Elliot held her still against him.

"You think my neighbors hate us?"

"There is no doubt." Elliot said laughing.

She laughed.

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

"Weren't you trying to get me back in bed?" she said as a sly smile appeared on her face.

He lifted her from the counter top as her long legs wrapped around him.

He would take her back to bed, where they would lay there together, fulfilled.

Next Ch. 15 Good


	15. Chapter 15

**Ch. 15 Good**

Their bodies collapsed on the bed beside each other, their chests beaded with sweat as they tried to catch their breath. One more round spurred by the reminders, and the passion from the night before.

Olivia laughed

Happiness, pleasure, fulfillment, all in a single bout of laughter.

"Good morning," Elliot said as a grin appeared across his face.

"An amazing morning." Olivia said, as she tugged at the sheets to cover her body and curled in to Elliot.

The fantasy.

The reality.

"That was a good way to wake up." She said, his arms now fully embracing her.

Olivia kissed, dragging her lips down Elliot's jaw line, as his fingers traced her skin.

"I could get used to this."

She grinned.

"I think if I had really known what it would be like lying here with you… God I couldn't have waited this long." She confessed.

"Maybe we should have forfeited being partners for sex?" Elliot joked. "It seems like such a stupid thing not to have done now."

"Some think that we've been sleeping together for years."

"If we had been sleeping together, I would have given us away cause I surely would have been caught with you up against a locker somewhere in the squad room."

Olivia laughed.

"What if we had been sleeping together? It might have even been a little fun to have kept it a secret for a while." She said mischievously. "You sitting across the desk from me, knowing what we know now."

"Are you kidding? With Munch around? He would figure it out."

"He would have had a theory; no one would have believed him."

"Well I think we deserve a metal for strength and abstinence."

"Abstinence really? What about sleeping with Dani Beck?"

Elliot let out an amused laugh

"What you never slept with Dani Beck?"

"One, I think it's funny you just brought her up and I also told you we only kissed."

"No you never told me anything."

"Then you assumed. And why would I anyway? You hated her the moment you knew she existed."

"I did not!"

"You did too!"

"Admit it, were a little jealous of Dani."

"I guess like you are of Porter."

"I hate Dean Porter." Elliot dead panned.

Olivia laughed heartily.

"Oh you think it's funny! You didn't tell me about him either."

"What about him?"

"You know, you being with him."

"Did you really want to know I was sleeping with Porter?"

"I knew."

"Yeah how did you know?"

"Olivia it's the way he looks at you, like he wants to devour you."

"Well I have that affect, don't I?" she said raising her brow.

God she did.

"Well I don't like him... And what about that Ledger guy? You didn't tell me about him either and he wanted you to move in with him!"

Olivia sat up.

"Elliot Stabler! Need I remind you about leaving out the part where you decided to divorce your wife?"

Touché

"Maybe we should change the subject?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and Elliot grabbed her pulling her back against him under the covers.

They laid there a while longer grazing at each other's skin.

"How about I make us some coffee, make some of those frozen waffles you love so much?"

"I think I like that idea"

They laid there a few minutes more before Elliot gave her one more kiss to her bare shoulder and got out of bed.

He left her lying there, looking back to see the smile on her face.

Olivia watched him go before she got up, making her way to the bathroom.

She looked at herself in the mirror.

She definitely had achieved the freshly fucked look.

Her hair tossled, her eye liner smudged, tattoos of Elliot's mouth on just about every inch of her skin.

She brushed her teeth and popped her now daily routine of pills.

She looked back in the mirror, losing track of time.

"This is a good day Olivia. Don't screw it up." She said to herself before wiping at the eyeliner under her eyes.

"Liv you coming!?"

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

"Just a second!" she said turning for her robe on the back of the bathroom door.

Olivia made her way in to the kitchen just in time for her waffles to pop from the toaster.

"Good timing!" Elliot said as he watched her take her position on the counter where he happened to had fucked her hours before.

He handed her, her waffles.

"No syrup?" he asked watching her pull apart the dry waffle.

She shook her head no

"How do you eat these things, much less with nothing on them?"

"I like them."

"Well no wonder you were hungry by the time you got to work."

"They held me over until you bought me breakfast!" She teased.

"Oh I see... "he said amused. "I say we get a waffle maker."

"But these come with blueberries already in them." She prodded.

"I will make you waffles with blueberries, so you'll know what you've been missing."

"Well I guess the theme for today is you teaching me what I've been missing!"

Elliot abandoned his waffle to place his hands under her robe, gripping her bare ass.

She too abandoned her waffle as she placed her arms around him, as he situated himself between her legs.

"Not to sound like this is some sentimental bullshit, but I don't regret anything."

Elliot looked up at Olivia

"I don't regret waiting to be with you. And I don't regret all of the worrying, and God even all of the guilt I've felt wanting you over the years. Knowing what I know at this very second, it was all worth it. The loneliness, the jealousy… I don't regret any of it now."

"Olivia."

"No I mean it. This feeling, the way I feel makes it was all worth it. I've never had anyone that didn't give up, that didn't walk away, that didn't accept every fault that was mine. But you didn't give up on me. All of my secrets you accepted them... You wanted me anyway. And waiting for you, waiting the right time to have you, was worth it."

Elliot ran his hands against her hair, then resting his palms at her cheeks.

"That's what you do. That's what you do when you love someone the way I love you. No matter how unclear, no matter how inopportune it was, I was always yours Olivia... I couldn't walk away from you, I never thought of not accepting who you are. I couldn't... I spent so much time trying to repent for my feeling for you, when I should have known all along I could never resist you because I belong to you. Now looking back, I won't regret my path to you."

"Does this scare you at all? This life with me?"

"Liv you have been my life for a long time. And we've had quite a few bumps in the road. But if anything, I want the last few weeks to prove to you nothing will change the way I feel about you, about how much I love you."

"I'm so different than the wife and kids in the suburbs. I won't ever be that."

"I don't want you to be that."

"You don't worry about not having that again? You won't miss that?"

"Olivia, I've lived that life. It didn't work out. I love my kids and I will do whatever I need to do to be a good father until my dying day. But we all have accepted that life didn't work out."

Olivia took in a deep breath.

"And here we are?"

"Here we are, no regrets." He assured her.

Olivia leaned in kissing Elliot. First a quick kiss and then a more passionate kiss erupted.

She tugged at his bottom lip between her teeth as he pulled her closer.

"I want you to move in with me." She blurted between kisses.

Elliot pulled far enough away to look into her dark eyes.

"Isn't that a bit like screaming I love you for the first time during sex?" he teased.

Olivia laughed.

"I mean it Elliot. I want you here with me."

"I am here with you."

"Well then I want all of your shirts in my closet, and your toothbrush permanently on my bathroom sink… and a fucking waffle maker."

"I love you Olivia Benson."

"But?"

"But, nothing. The rest of my shirts will be hanging in your closet tomorrow."

"That easy?"

"Yes that easy. Olivia, I don't want to not wake up to you, I don't want to not come home to you."

She smiled.

"That took a lot of courage for me to ask you to move in."

"I know," he said snickering

"And we'll have to talk about closet space."

"Olivia." He said holding a finger to her lips.

She stopped talking.

"I'm taking you back to bed before these waffles wear off! We'll deal with closet space tomorrow."

**Next…. Ch. 16 - Precaution **


	16. Chapter 16

Ch. 16 Precaution

"How was your week Olivia?"

Olivia sat in the chair across from her therapist, her scarf still hung loosely around her neck, her arms crossing her chest.

"It's been good."

"I'm happy to hear that. How are things with you and Elliot?"

"Great… things are great." Olivia said making quick eye contact for assurance.

"So things are progressing?"

"Yeah I uh, I asked him to move in with me."

"I would say that is quite the progression."

"We're together anyway. It just felt right. I want him there. I want him in my life, in my apartment."

Justified.

"I assume he accepted?"

"He's bringing more of his stuff over after he gets off work."

"I have to say I'm impressed by your ease with Elliot, allowing him in every aspect of your life. That's progress from the guarded woman you were when we first met."

"I hit rock bottom and he was there for me. He saw me at my worst… and he knows my past, he knows my scars. He's never let me down. He's never left me. If I was going to let anyone in…"

"That makes perfect sense."

"You don't think it's too fast?"

"You definitely are moving quickly, but it's not like you and Elliot haven't known each other for a long time."

"That was my thought process too... I just know I don't want to screw it up." She said letting out a nervous laugh.

Nail meets hammer.

"You've mentioned that before? We've talked about how Elliot is different. How you have no reason to sabotage your relationship with him, like you have with others in the past."

"I just want to make sure that I'm cautious. I want to make sure that I don't forget how much I love him, how much I need him in my life, with all the other shit that's going on in my head."

"You've come a long way. Admitting to Elliot you love him, asking him to move in with you, you've come a long way. Don't talk yourself out of happiness."

"I don't mean to, really I don't. It's just little reminders of regrets and sadness, things that just appear and I seem to spiral back down."

"Things like?"

Olivia laughed as she fidgeted with the hem of her scarf.

She shook her head as if she were in disbelief of herself.

"Yesterday… I woke up yesterday ready to purge, to make room for Elliot in my closet. I mean, I was like some twenty something who had asked her boyfriend to move in with her for the first time. I was…"

Olivia stopped herself.

"Excited? Happy?"

"Yeah."

"But what happened cleaning out the closet?"

"I got rid of the dresses, the clothes I wore when I was going out."

"The clothes you slept around in?"

Blunt

Olivia looked away as her eyes filled with tears.

She cursed herself for being emotional over a few dresses.

"I just, there's no need to keep them. I won't wear them again. I mean even that green dress…"

"Why the green dress specifically?"

"I was wearing it when Elliot ran in to me at the bar. When he caught me. When he saw what I was doing to myself." Olivia paused, looking to the window. "That night he made me go home, he was angry with me. And threw up and passed out…"

"Not a great memory."

"You see why the dress had to go."

"Well sometimes material things are bad reminders. Sometimes you have to get rid of bad reminders."

Olivia swallowed hard.

"I didn't get rid of the giraffe."

"The giraffe was hidden in your closet?"

Her therapist knew about the giraffe. Knew Walker had given it to her for the baby, knew Elliot had taken it and then returned it.

She knew of said giraffe.

"I had hidden it in a shoe box… You know, I hid it so fast the day Elliot gave it back to me. I didn't want to make a fuss about it. So I just stuffed it in a shoe box."

Out of sight, out of mind.

"And how did you react to finding it?"

Olivia bit at her lip. Thinking.

She knew exactly how she reacted.

She held the plush toy, crushing it against her chest.

She buried it against her heart.

"I was devastated in a split second."

It was a symbol of what broke her.

Months later, there she was with the giraffe held against her, reminding her.

"Olivia."

Olivia turned her eyes to her therapist once again.

"I won't tell you to get rid of everything that reminds you of what happened. What I will tell you is to go make new memories. Buy a new dress, collect things that are souvenirs of your new life with Elliot."

Olivia shook her head, agreeing with the idea.

"I also want you to stop second guessing yourself when it comes to your relationship with Elliot. You've made great strides in trust and you said so yourself Elliot has always been there for you. So don't sabotage the relationship with Elliot you have, and the one you want."

He had once shared a house with 4 other women. Technically, he only shared a bathroom with one woman, but he had seen enough to know that women need their space in a bathroom and space for their stuff in a bathroom. Olivia was no exception.

A woman's ability to know the difference between lipstick, lip gloss, and lip stain, much less the need for all of them had never ceased to amaze him over the years.

Olivia was a tidy person, her bathroom counter was not.

It was like a woman's true identity could be told by their bathroom counters.

Under Olivia's God given natural beauty, her shiny, silky hair, her perfectly manicured nails, there on the bathroom counter lay the truth.

Hairspray, moisturizer, toothpaste, hair things, birth control... it was all there.

He sighed.

Elliot's razor and shaving cream had already taken its spot in her medicine cabinet weeks ago...

Weeks ago...

That's how long it had been since the night he didn't leave her side.

The night he lay beside her in her bed, fully clothed, only touching her with permission.

He was uncertain about her to say the least, weeks ago.

Not uncertain about how much he loved her, how much he cared about her, but her health, her mental state.

Now he thought of how easy it was to forget what she had gone through, and what she was truly still battling.

Of all the things Olivia Benson was, she was a master of "I'm ok."

You would believe her, even when you told yourself not to.

Elliot had moments of clarity.

He would catch a look on her face, or avoid some subjects.

A decade of his life was spent with her. He had watched her make lemonade out of lemons time and time before.

Her breakdown was really no surprise.

Her recovery was what he was cautious about.

Elliot gathered various ponytail holders and hair clips and placed them in the drawer. He put the hairspray back in the cabinet. He picked up the pack of birth control and he studied the punched out holes in precise order.

Cautious about her recovery.

Cautious about the future.

Hers, Theirs.

He placed her birth control back on the counter where he found it.

And took a look in the mirror, studying the man starring back at him.

He studied the lines around his eyes, the stubble that had already begun to form on his chin.

Elliot wanted to be certain of who the man was that had come this far.

Come this far for her.

He always blamed Olivia for running, when he had his own methods of dealing with problems, even dealing with her.

Now he would do anything, fight anything to ensure she would recover from all of this, ensure her happiness.

He heard the front door to now their apartment.

"El?"

He suddenly thought that even after a decade how much he had missed the sound of her voice.

She had only been gone a couple of hours.

Elliot looked back in the mirror to the woman standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

She smiled at him as he quickly cleared the cautiousness from his face.

He would ensure her recovery, ensure her happiness.

Next… Ch. 17 Appearances


	17. Chapter 17

Ch. 17 – Appearances

She was staring at the ceiling.

Her eyes wide open.

Elliot slid his arms under the sheets across her stomach, snuggling in to her.

"Good morning" she said letting out a deep breath as if she had been holding it until he opened his eyes.

"Morning... whatcha you thinking about?"

He watched her swallow hard.

Even hesitate.

"I think I'm going by the precinct today... see Cragen."

Elliot's eyes widened, as he propped himself up on his elbow.

"I just need to tell him thank you. And I think I should do it in person… since I didn't even have the balls to resign in person."

"Liv" Elliot said calling her out on her self deprecation.

"And I think it would be good to show my face. See Fin, Munch. I just left... you know."

Elliot could tell her mind was going a million miles a minute and he wondered how long she had been lying there awake, thinking about this, even summing up the courage to say she was going to do this, much less make her mind up to actually do it.

"I know everyone would be really happy to see you." Elliot encouraged.

"It would be good to see them, but don't tell them I'm coming by. In case I chicken out."

"I won't mention it, I promise."

Her expression never changed.

Elliot had a lump in his throat. It shouldn't be such a feat to visit your old co-workers, to say hello.

But sometimes your hello is measured by how you said goodbye.

Or how you didn't get to say goodbye.

Olivia laid there her hand gripping Elliot's arm that draped across her.

He wouldn't ask any more questions. She was asking herself enough questions. Looking for her own answers.

She lay there a while longer in silence before she sat up in bed, her legs swung over the side, her bare back now facing Elliot.

Her pace slow.

Elliot ran the tips of his fingers down her back in effort to comfort her.

Goosebumps instantly formed on her skin.

She stood up, her thoughts lost in her task at hand.

He watched her every move, almost thankful he couldn't see the look on her face as she disappeared in to the bathroom.

Sometimes her progress was made in little steps.

Sometimes giant leaps.

Her decision to go to the precinct today was a leap.

The afternoon would come quickly and then moved slowly.

Elliot was on paperwork duty after lunch, the lunch he would skip anyway.

Paperwork would leave him plenty of time to worry, even panic about where Olivia was.

He checked his watch, his phone… no Olivia.

Maybe she had chickened out. Maybe it just wasn't the right day. It was a lot to handle, a lot of concerned faces, a lot of nosey people wanting to know what had happened to her, where she had been.

Rumors were rapid anyway.

Maybe it just wasn't the right day.

Olivia pulled the collar of her coat closer to her neck as she stood out in the elements of the late fall.

She questioned over and over what had happened to the woman who walked that same path every day.

A thousand times she had walked in to that precinct mindlessly or with a million thoughts. A routine walk none the less. Good days, bad days, she never second guessed her place there like she did at that very moment.

She was an outsider now, a civilian.

She was the detective who miscarried in the bathroom and hadn't been seen since.

Olivia shoved her hands deeper in to her pockets and clinched her jaw.

Olivia scolded herself at her wishes that Elliot would come down stairs and talk her through this, maybe hold her hand at least on the elevator up.

She felt pathetic

Her eyes met an officer as he held the front door open for her.

She made her way to the elevator and suddenly she felt the tip of her finger pressing the button to her destination.

Like her routine.

When she wasn't an outsider, a civilian.

The elevator was void of anyone else except Olivia and her thoughts.

The lump in Olivia's throat sank as the elevator settled on to the precinct floor.

The doors opened, and there she stood front and center of the hallway that led to room the once contained her whole life.

It was busy.

The usual.

Munch stood quickly at the sight of her. "Well, well, well, a sight for sore eyes!"

Olivia had to tell herself to walk forward in to the crowded room. To walk towards Munch.

She wasn't imagining all the eyes in the room staring at her.

They were staring.

Where was Elliot? Where was Elliot?

"John" She said placing a small smile on her face, as he gave her a quick hug.

"Elliot didn't tell us you were coming by."

"Well I wasn't sure if I would make it by today."

That couldn't be closer to the truth.

"Liv?"

She heard her name in question form.

Fin was walking towards her with a less than usual grin on his face.

"Hi " Olivia said smiling, feeling Fin's arms wrap around her.

She always felt safe with Fin.

"I've missed you guys." Olivia said trying to keep her focus on them and not the onlookers.

"So how have you been?" Much asked eagerly.

They had no idea.

Elliot told them nothing of her downfall.

"I've been good" was all she could think to say.

"You look good" Fin said realizing he had yet to let go of her arm.

Did she?

She was never sure if she looked good anymore.

"Hi there."

The moment Olivia heard the sound of Elliot's voice behind her she wanted to run to him. She wanted to sink in to his arms. She wanted to tell him that she felt completely awkward around her own friends and would he please just get her out of there… She would try again some other day.

Instead she gave a quick and somewhat assuring smile to Elliot.

"Man, you should have told us she was coming today." Fin said reprimanding Elliot.

"I was just telling Munch I told him not to incase I didn't make it by today."

Her voice seemed more confident than Elliot knew she was.

"I should see the Captain, is he in his office?"

"Yeah, he'll be glad to see you." Munch said reassuringly.

It was awkward.

Everyone was awkward.

Olivia made her way to Cragen's office, trying to keep her eyes focused on her destination as people in the squad room literally looked her up and down, accessing her.

Assessing the woman they remembered and who she was now.

Assessing she was thinner, her hair longer. Hell some probably thought she looked better, more rested.

Olivia quietly knocked at Cragen's door.

"Yeah… It's open."

Olivia opened the door slowly, peering in to the other side.

"Olivia" Cragen said surprised to see her. As small satisfied smile appeared on his face as he stood, hugging her, and then motioning for her to sit.

"I'm happy to see you, but I can honestly say I didn't expect to see you today."

"I figured I should show my face around here sooner or later. And I wanted to thank you for being so understanding about well… me just leaving."

"Things happen Liv. Sometimes things we aren't prepared for…"

"I definitely wasn't prepared for everything that happened that day, for everything that happened the days after. I kind of went off the deep end."

Truthful.

"Everyone has their breaking point. I'm sorry you had to find yours Liv."

"I almost think it was bound to happen." She said with a painful smile.

"But you're doing better?" Cragen asked concerned.

"I am, I am doing better. I have good days, and I'm learning to deal with the bad days. I'm doing a lot better."

"I'm glad Elliot has been there for you. He had a hard time there in the beginning without you."

This is where Cragen acknowledged that he knew they were more than friends.

"I guess you've figured out Elliot and I are together?"

"It was only a matter of time."

Olivia smiled.

She guessed it was.

"He's been good for me. Believe it or not he's been a saint. He took care of me when I wasn't taking care of myself."

"He always has Liv."

Olivia shook head agreeing.

God, he always had.

"Well I guess there's no hoping you showed up today to tell me you're ready to come back?" Cragen asked hopeful.

Olivia shook her head no.

"It's hard not coming here every day. This job was my life." Olivia paused, thinking. "I just think maybe it's time to get a new life, my old one wasn't the healthiest mentally." She looked up at Cragen. "And honestly I'm not sure if I can take the job anymore."

Cragen understood. Olivia was already the exception to those who could withstand the horrors of the job. She did it long enough.

Olivia stood up.

"Liv, I hope you're happy with whatever you decide to do, and with Elliot. You deserve to be happy."

Olivia hugged Cragen once again before making her way to the door.

"Thank you again for everything."

Olivia walked back out in to the precinct, with once again awaiting eyes.

"I'll see you guys around. Maybe I'll show up for beer with the boys." She said, this time flashing her infectious smile.

Another hug to Fin and to Munch before nodding to Elliot.

He gave her a slight smile, telling her she did good.

"I'll walk you out." He said as she quickly snaked her hand around his bicep and let him lead the way.

She turned around to memorize the way the precinct looked that day.

It would be the way she would remember it, erasing her last memory.

Olivia let out a deep breath as she and Elliot made their way to the sidewalk in front of the precinct.

"You ok?"

"I am. That was a bit nerve racking, but it was something I needed to do. I'm really glad I did."

"I was a little worried when I didn't hear from you earlier today."

"Yeah I was out here mustering up courage for the longest time."

"I know they were all relieved to see you."

"It was just the audience I didn't care for."

"Everyone has just been concerned, people care."

Olivia shook her head agreeing.

She guessed they did.

"Hey, you should get back to work. I'll see you when you get home tonight."

Elliot grinned at the thought of coming home to her.

He leaned in giving her a quick kiss for everyone to see, before she turned making her way down the sidewalk.

Elliot would watch her until she turned the corner.

Olivia had made it half way up the stairs to her apartment when she heard her phone ring. She dug in to the bottom of her purse thinking it was Elliot making sure she got home ok.

She would tell him to not be so overprotective.

"Hello" she said fumbling to answer the phone before her voicemail picked up.

"Olivia."

His charming voice, instantly familiar.

Olivia pulled the phone from her ear, looking down at the name Walker starring back at her.

"Olivia?"

"Walker… hi, hi, I'm here."

"It's good to hear your voice."

"Yeah, same here."

Olivia had stopped climbing the steps and instead she had taken a seat on the steps to steady herself.

"Olivia… I'm in town for a few days. I'd really like to see you."

Walker already knew she was hesitating.

He didn't blame her.

It had taken all the courage he had to call her.

"Um… maybe we could have lunch. We just need to…"

"Yeah, that sounds good." She said cutting Walker off before he could say anything else.

Anything that would send her spiraling.

"Could you have lunch this week? Thursday maybe?"

"Um yeah Thursday is good."

She and Walker finalized their plans and Olivia barely remembered saying goodbye.

She sat on the steps, lost in her thoughts until the neighbor kids trampled down the stairs past her.

Olivia stood, making her way to her apartment.

The nervousness and panic she had shed walking out of the precinct was back as she entered her apartment.

Thursday, lunch.

He'd like to see her.

Walker.

Next Ch. 18 Offerings


	18. Chapter 18

**18. Offerings **

Her fingers fumbled with the plastic container she held in her hand.

She sat on the side of the tub, her bare feet numb to the cold tile.

Fumbling, twisting, turning.

Thinking.

All she did now was think.

Yesterday, today had been a whirlwind of emotions.

Her visit to the precinct... Walker.

Walker on her mind.

She conveniently forgot to mention, or had the lack of courage to mention to Elliot that Walker had called yesterday, that she had agreed to have lunch with him.

Fumbling, twisting, turning.

She didn't tell Elliot, Walker had consumed her thoughts since yesterday.

Her thoughts, and the package of birth control pills in her hand.

"You know you could stop taking those." Elliot said appearing at the bathroom door.

Olivia turned to look at him and then back down at her hands as if she had to remind herself what he was speaking of.

She was now biting at her lip ferociously.

"Liv?"

She shifted, her tail bone digging against the surface of the tub.

"Just like that? We try and make a baby?"

"I've told you how I feel. I've told you I want to do this."

Olivia tried to mask how agitated she felt.

But honestly she wasn't sure if it was really about trying to get pregnant again, or if it was about Walker…

"El we've talked about this."

"No, we didn't really. You freaked out, told me I had lost my mind. But we didn't really talk about it."

"You have kids, you've done this song and dance before. Why would you want to start all over with me?"

Elliot sat down beside her on the edge of the tub.

"I was married, I did that dance before. That doesn't mean I don't love you the way I do, that doesn't mean I wouldn't get married again."

Olivia caught herself holding her breath.

Married again?

Did he think about it?

Did the thought of Olivia as his wife cross his mind?

"Elliot."

His full name out her mouth and deliberate.

"Liv, I've already started over with you because I wanted to, not because I had to. I brought up the baby thing because I wanted to. Because you want a baby and I want to give you everything."

Tears were falling down her cheeks.

She couldn't stop them.

She hated she couldn't stop them.

"Liv if you don't want to, just say it, I'll drop it. I'm happy with you. And if you're happy, I'm happy."

Olivia lowered her head pressing the palms of her hands to her cheeks.

Why did he make it all so simple, yet it was still so complicated?

She did want a baby.

She did want Elliot's baby.

It just didn't feel that easy of an accomplishment.

Elliot for a moment hesitated to touch her, but then snaked his hand around her thigh.

She let out a bit of a sobbing breath, as she tried to get her emotions intact.

"This is not how I pictured it. But I guess no one really does picture it this way." She said finally looking back at him.

"What do you mean?"

"My life... Believe it or not I was just like every other little girl. I wanted to get married, have kids. Fuck the white picket fence sometimes even sounds nice."

"A white picket fence?"

"You know what I mean."

"Not everyone's life is that conventional."

"Your was."

Elliot shook his head.

"Might I remind you Kathy and I got married because she was already pregnant."

"You just expect your life to go a certain way. Even when I was turned down for adoption, it was just another path that didn't work out, and then getting pregnant... I thought it was my chance. I thought that maybe I did believe in fate instead of accidents. But that didn't work out either..."

"So what if I'm your fate?"

Olivia looked at Elliot intrigued.

"Everything that's happened, me sitting here beside you at this very moment, couldn't that be fate?"

"You believe in fate?"

"Ok then I believe God has a plan. Does that work better for you?"

Olivia raised her brow to Elliot.

"I didn't think so."

"What if I'm too old to get pregnant? What if losing the baby was a sign?"

"I don't think it was sign, but if you can't get pregnant we'll try another route. We can try the adoption thing again, this time together."

"Yeah El I'm sure my mental stability wouldn't be in question at all!"

"Liv... just think about it ok. That all I'm saying. It's your choice. But don't give up on something you really want, especially when you have a man that loves you and wants what you want."

Fumbling, twisting, turning

Thinking.

All that Elliot was saying should have been reassuring.

But Olivia had done this before.

The man that said he loved her, said he wanted what she wanted, that he wanted to be the father to her baby...

She had done this before.

It hadn't ended well.

Elliot stood up kissing her head before leaving her with her thoughts.

Olivia waited until Elliot was out of sight before standing, tossing her birth control on to the bathroom counter.

She took a glance in the mirror at her tear stained face.

A face that was entirely too familiar.

A face that was getting old.

She needed fresh air.

She needed to be alone.

Away from Elliot's thoughtfulness and endless understanding for her.

She slid on her jeans and a sweater, and quickly put on her sock and shoes.

She made her way in the living room trying not to make too rapid a movement, she didn't want Elliot to have the notion she was running.

She wasn't running, just thinking.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"I just need to take a walk, get some fresh air."

"You want me to walk with you?"

Olivia slipped on her coat and then leaned in to kiss Elliot.

"No just need some thinking time." She said with an assuring smile.

"Liv, are we ok?"

He hated he had to ask, but he had to ask.

"Yeah we're fine. I'm just walking."

"And thinking."

"Yes and thinking... I won't be too long ok," she said before he watched her close the door behind her.

**Next… Ch19 Rekindle**

**Ok so reading over this story and reposting was a lot more work that I thought it would be! 7 more chapters to post... I'll try and get em' to you tomorrow! -M**


	19. Chapter 19

Ch. 19 Rekindle

Olivia pulled a pair of black heels from her closet and slid them one by one on to her feet.

She twisted her hair up and let her bangs fall perfectly swooped across her forehead.

She soothed her hands down the winter white skirt that fit her like a glove.

She accessed herself in the mirror as she applied her lipstick and then tucked her watch under the cuff of her shirt.

There was no pep talk.

Nerves yes, a pep talk no.

It was just lunch.

She was allowed to have lunch with anyone she chose. Why should this lunch be such a big deal that it was with Walker?

Why would it matter to Elliot?

Why should it matter so much to her?

Maybe it mattered because of the way it all ended, or the way it didn't really end.

He was on time.

He was always early.

He expected her to be late.

Today was no exception.

Walker swirled his drink, taking another sip.

He needed a drink.

Something to calm his nerves.

To calm the sudden way he missed her.

It now had been months since he had seen her; months that he knew had been harder on her.

He hung his head, thinking of her.

Olivia peered around the corner, thanking the hostess for leading her to him.

She watched him sitting at the bar.

The bar was nearly empty, yet to be taken over by business deals and ladies who lunched.

Olivia felt herself clinging to her clutch. It was all she had at the moment to keep a tight grip on.

She suddenly couldn't breathe.

God he was the way she remembered him.

Or the way she had tried to forget him.

His handsome face, his broad shoulders...

Even his sense of style. His dark gray suit, the relaxed open collar of his white dress shirt.

Crisp, clean.

If there was such thing as sparks, as instantaneous chemistry with another human being...

She missed him.

Everything - the sight of him, the sound of his voice, the anticipation of his touch...

She had been in love with Walker and at that very moment she couldn't find any reason why she wasn't still in love with him deep down.

Olivia took a step back, making sure she was out of site.

She had to collect her thoughts, she had to remind herself of her life and where she was, what she had been through.

Remind herself of the man that loved her.

Remind herself of the man she woke up with this morning, that she kissed goodbye, the man that she loved.

A deep breath and one foot in front of the other led to her to standing behind him.

"Been waiting long?"

Walker turned to look at her.

He smiled, with his dimpled cheeks.

"Only long enough to have a few sips of liquid courage."

Honesty was a good policy.

Olivia smiled

She understood, wishing she too had her own glass of liquid courage.

"Olivia, you look amazing." He said taking her in and suddenly unsure of how he should properly greet her.

"Thanks you're not looking so bad yourself."

The compliments made the other nervous.

Rekindling

"I guess we should get a table," Walker said trying to fill the awkward space.

"Or we could just sit here a while."

Walker agreed.

Lunch, their appetites were long gone.

Too many nerves.

Maybe too much to say.

Olivia placed her purse on the bar as she sat down beside Walker.

She ordered a drink from the awaiting bartender.

"I mean it, you really do look amazing. These last couple of months..."

"You weren't sure what I would look like now?"

"Olivia you could never be anything less than beautiful. It's just the last couple of months... I know they've been really hard on you."

"They weren't just hard, they sucked." she said letting out breathy laugh.

"And I left you here alone."

"Walker."

Olivia took a much needed sip of the drink that had just been placed in front of her.

"What kind of asshole am I Olivia? I had everything. I had you. We were having a baby... And I just left you. And wasn't there when you needed me the most."

"Walker, you didn't just leave me. I told you to stay in Chicago. Actually, I think I begged you to."

"And I listened. Why did I listen to you? I know you better than that."

"Walker it happened, it's over."

"Is it?"

Olivia looked up at Walker.

"You don't think about what happened? Is it over?"

She guessed it wasn't over. She certainly thought about it more often than not.

"Olivia we were so high on our relationship, we thought we had become invincible. How stupid could we be to think we could live in different cities and have a relationship, much less have a baby?"

"Walker there is no kid." She said looking away from him shaking her head. "Things happen for a reason. And I think you're right. I think we thought we were invincible, we were in love..."

"But then we were nothing. We weren't together, we weren't in love. We weren't parents..."

Neither of them said anything for the longest time.

Olivia wasn't angry, neither was Walker.

She did realize though, that in the last few months it wasn't just she that was hurting.

Olivia turned to look at Walker. She then leaned in wrapping her arms tightly around his neck.

It took him a moment to realize what was happening, and then he wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm sorry you lost the baby." he said his lips almost at her shoulder.

"I'm sorry you did too." She said still holding on to him.

God, she felt like a selfish bitch.

She had convinced herself after the baby, after they broke up, Walker was a free man. He could live his life in Chicago with not a care while she put herself through hell.

He was far from a free man.

The weight of their relationship held on to him as tightly as she was at that very moment.

"So um how's Chicago?" She said finally letting him go, composing herself, going another sip of her drink.

The question was a blatant attempt to change the subject, or at least the feelings of regret.

"You haven't become a traitor to your Yankees yet have you? Go Cubs!" She said grinning.

"I can't believe you would even think that! Me a traitor..."

She laughed, her hand falling to his knee.

Olivia quickly pulled her hand away when Walker's eyes fell to where her hand was.

Her touch made him nervous.

Butterflies.

"You remember the Yankees game we went to last summer and it was so hot!"

"Uh during that heat wave. We got so sun burned!"

"We drank so much beer!" Walker said laughing.

"We ended up on the roof of your apartment!" Olivia said laughing, already looking embarrassed just remembering what they did.

"You said you had never had done it on rooftop!"

"Most people haven't Walker!"

"You have now!"

"Walker!" she said still laughing.

"We had a good time!"

"I never really figured out how I woke up in your favorite Yankees shirt..."

"You must have gotten cold at some point during the night!"

"Oh my God we could have been caught, arrested. I could see me explaining that!"

Walker laughed even harder.

"We had so much fun, we had a lot of fun Olivia."

"Yeah we did."

They did.

It was the happiest time in her life.

It was when they had come invincible.

Olivia looked away for a moment.

"Olivia what is it?"

She shook her head trying to dismiss her thoughts.

"Olivia?"

"I'm not the same person I was Walker..."

"Sure you are. I'm sitting right beside you, you seem..."

"These last few months... You wouldn't have liked who I became."

"You needed time to grieve. No blames you for grieving, for not being yourself."

"I went off the deep end."

"Why didn't you call? You know I would have been right there... You told me you were ok, I believed you..."

"I just, I just didn't care about anything."

"Are you ok now?"

"Yeah, yeah things are better."

This would have been a good time to place Elliot in the story, if there was a good time.

"Just a really hard lesson in how low you can get?"

"Yeah, it was."

"You promise me you're ok?"

"I promise," she said shaking her head yes.

"I've missed you so much Olivia. I mean just you, your beautiful face, the sound of your voice. I've just really missed you."

"I've really missed you too..." She sat there for a moment, looking at Walker. She had missed him. Sitting there with him felt so good. He felt so warm and so easy to talk to and be with, though she hadn't seen him in months.

She had forgotten her chemistry with him.

"You know, I should probably go."

She knew she shouldn't be there with him any longer.

It was too much at this point.

He shook his head understanding.

Olivia leaned in giving him a lingering kiss to the cheek before she stood up, reaching for her coat.

Walker stood helping her. "I'll be in town a few more days if you'd like to grab a coffee or something..."

Olivia only gave a shy smile to him.

She wasn't sure what to say.

What she didn't say was she couldn't meet him again.

It didn't cross her mind at the moment not to meet him again.

"It was great to see you," she said once again clinging to her clutch.

"Yeah, it was great to see you too Olivia."

She sucked in a silent deep breath, before she walked away.

She left hope and disappointment there at that bar.

She left a rekindled relationship.

Next Ch. 20 - Unravel


	20. Chapter 20

**Ch. 20 Unravel**

In the last 24 hours she had began to unravel…

Elliot came home that evening before, angry.

Not at her, not because she had the opportunity to tell him she had met up with Walker, because she didn't. Elliot came home angry, his temper still flaring from an interrogation earlier that afternoon that once again made him lose his cool.

He didn't have Olivia there to calm him, or to even take the fall out of his anger as she typically would if she were there, if she were his partner.

Instead, Fin took over as Cragen scolded and told him to cool off.

Elliot had simmered for the rest of the afternoon.

Simmered while his girlfriend met another man at a bar.

Elliot then went home without question, without explanation and fucked his girlfriend.

He left a trail of their clothes on the living room floor; and he had ignored anything that was happening when he walked in to the apartment.

He wanted to fuck Olivia.

If he couldn't have her as his partner, then he wanted her how he could have her.

He didn't notice her emotional distance, he only wanted to feel her thighs crash in to him and to hear each gasp of air she took, and the satisfied sounds coming from her mouth.

And she was relieved he didn't ask, that he didn't care about her day. If anything, a fuck to forget suited her as well.

She was relieved at that moment to be with Elliot, not Walker.

His mouth melded to her.

His tongue pushing inside her mouth as hard as his dick was pushing in to her.

He had no intentions of hurting her, and Olivia would stop him if she didn't want her back to the wall in the hallway, if she didn't want his hands gripping her ass, pushing him deeper inside her.

She knew something must have happened at work, something to make him come home full of testosterone and fury.

She wouldn't ask. Not now.

Sweat beaded between her breasts as Elliot ran his tongue down her chest, lapping up the salt on her skin.

With each thrust his aggression weakened.

She came.

He came.

"I love you, I love you." Elliot said catching his breath.

It was the first thing he had verbally said to her besides muttering the words "fuck" and "want" to her as he walked through the door.

Elliot eased Olivia from against the wall, letting her bare feet find the hard wood floor.

He still stood close, skin on skin.

His cheek now resting in the palm of her hand.

They stood there, still.

Her eyes piercing his.

Breath after breath.

This wasn't the time to talk.

They needed a moment for mind and body to process, and the way the both of them had just emotionally fucked each other neither had to tell the other how their days was.

Finally Olivia leaned her way from the wall, pushing Elliot forward.

"Bed."

That was all she needed to say.

She didn't care how spent she was, she wasn't done. At that moment her brain was still thinking, still questioning everything that had happened that day.

Elliot had started this.

This emotional fuck.

The spiral, the tumble, this unraveling she was doing herself.

Elliot had no clue.

All Elliot knew was his girlfriend was sexy as hell at that moment and that she was ready for round two.

Olivia backed Elliot on to their bed.

Their bed.

She didn't waste time on the gentle kisses and the foreplay.

He was already hard for her, ready for her.

Olivia climbed on top of Elliot, guiding him inside of her.

She rocked her hips back and forth slowly until they both found their rhythm.

Found their rhythm and hands and mouths found skin.

It didn't take long for both of them to come again.

She fell beside him, her heart still pounding.

Both lying there beside each other, chest rising and falling.

Sex personified.

Elliot leaned in kissing Olivia once again this time much gentler.

Once to the lips, once to her bare shoulder.

A good night kiss.

She pulled the sheet close to them as she rested in the crook of his arm.

Elliot drifted off to sleep.

She didn't.

A new day had began as she lay there still awake.

Olivia reminded herself over and over that she loved Elliot and only Elliot. That she wanted to be with him. That there was nothing better, that she finally was with the man she had been in love with for years…

Then tears fell down her cheeks, tears that she tried to catch before they would hit Elliot's skin beneath her. Tears that would wake him and she would have to explain why she was crying.

Explain that she couldn't stop replaying seeing Walker, being with Walker. She couldn't stop thinking the way she felt for him.

Yesterday she had been with two men.

One emotionally.  
One physically.

One she loved.  
One she loves.

She lay there staring in to the moonlit room, the outline of Elliot's body still against hers.

Her lips still raw from his 5 o'clock shadow. Her body still felt the effects from mouth, his hands, his thrusting…

She felt guilty.

She felt confused.

The truth would unravel hopefully before she did.

Telling Elliot she met up with Walker, her rekindled feelings for Walker, how much she really did love Elliot.

The truth would unravel sooner or later.

She just hoped that in typical Olivia fashion she wouldn't find a way to ruin her own life.

To take away exactly what she wanted, what she needed and ruin it.

Her whole life could fall apart again.

Fall apart without Elliot.

She had to fix this.

She had to confess.

She had to talk to Walker. She had to tell him she was with Elliot. Let him know she loved Elliot and that she couldn't meet him for drinks when he came in to town, she couldn't…

No flirting, no pretending that maybe it would have all worked out, that maybe Walker was Prince Charming if given another chance.

She loved Elliot.

Walker needed to know for her peace of mind.

Then she would tell Elliot she saw Walker, and she would be able to tell Elliot how she told Walker she was in love him and only him.

She would assure Elliot.

Assure herself.

They could be happy every after.

When the truth unraveled.

**Next Ch. Struggle**


	21. Chapter 21

**Ch. 21 Struggle **

She felt like she was cheating.

She wasn't.

She had woke up that morning in the arms of the man she loved, fixed him eggs, shared her first cup of coffee with him. Kissed him good morning, kissed him goodbye as she did the day before.

It was the life she wanted. Her life with Elliot.

She felt like she was cheating.

She sat in the back of the cab lost in her thoughts.

She wondered what really was her struggle? Walker was in the past. Elliot was who she wanted. Even if she was still attracted to Walker, even if there was an undeniable chemistry, she loved Elliot. She had truly loved Elliot for a long time.

Elliot was the life she wanted.

He wasn't just lust. He was trust, he was history, he was her best friend and God… he was the love of her life.

What was the struggle?

Why would she fuck that up?

Olivia cursed herself as the cab pulled up in front of the hotel.

There was a coffee shop in the lobby of his hotel.

His hotel.

She wanted to meet up with him as far away from the precinct as possible.

His hotel happened to be almost at the opposite end of the city.

His hotel.

For a moment the proximity seemed dangerous.

She shrugged off the warnings to herself and agreed to meet him there mid morning.

She wasn't cheating.

She had no intentions of going any further than the first floor.

Her ballet flats glided across the tile floor of the hotel lobby and in to the coffee shop.

He was standing in line in his suit and tie.

Ready for business.

"Hey" she said walking up beside him.

He immediately placed his arm around her, pulling her in to an embrace as if it were an everyday occurrence to see her, to just have coffee.

Anyone standing in line would assume they were married, at least lovers.

There was easiness there.

She breathed him in.

"Perfect timing, I wasn't sure if you were still addicted to those peppermint lattes or not…"

Olivia gave him a slight smile as she nodded her head yes.

He was at ease. Happy to see her again.

"I'll get our coffee if you want to find us somewhere to sit?"

She agreed thanking God he was no longer touching her.

Her shoes once again shuffling across the floor, she looked for a place to sit.

What she wanted to do was to run back to where Walker was now ordering their coffee and interject. She wanted to tell the Barista that she didn't want a peppermint latte. That as of today, it wasn't her favorite anymore. That she wanted something different, something Walker wouldn't guess to order for her, so that he wouldn't come off as so charming when he knew exactly what to order for her.

Walker sat down across from her, holding her latte out to her, his fingers grazing hers as she took the cup in her hand.

"How's your trip been?"

Small talk.

"Productive. I've been working on this case for several months and I finally feel like I've got something to work with."

"That's good. I'm glad your trip wasn't in vain."

"Olivia sitting here with you…" he said suddenly taking her hand in to his, "it was worth the trip. I didn't know how much I missed you."

Olivia hand rested in his.

Her hand instantly feeling the warmth, feeling the unexplainable spark that she couldn't rid of.

She pulled her hand away, and began to pull off her coat.

She was too warm.

Her coat, the coffee, his touch.

Too warm.

"You look beautiful today." Walker said as he watched her pull her coat off her shoulders.

"Walker." She said not taking her eyes from him.

"Oh" he said sensing her disapproving tone. "I shouldn't tell you, you look beautiful?"

He knew her, he knew that tone.

But he was confused why she wasn't pleased with his compliment.

"When we saw each other the other day…" she said taking a sip of her coffee, gathering her courage.

Ok here we go. Just get it out. Speak the truth. Tell him you love Elliot.

Walker shifted in his chair.

"When I saw you. I…"

"Olivia. Just tell me."

He seemingly didn't fear the worst though she bit fiercely at her bottom lip.

"When I saw you the other day, the feelings I had for you… they were all right there. I didn't know they would be there."

"I felt the same way."

"But I can't feel that way."

"Ok?"

"Walker things have changed."

"I know I didn't expect to come back and for you to just fall in love with me all over again, shit I wasn't even sure if you would see me. But I had to see you; I had to see if what I feel for you was still really there."

"Walker."

"Olivia you felt it too."

She gripped her eyes closed.

"Walker, stop."

He did.

"Olivia."

He was still confused.

"Walker, I'm with Elliot."

Olivia watched him sit there for a moment frozen, and then she watched him lean back in his chair, creating distance between them.

He shook his head, clearly deflated by her admission.

"I wanted to tell you. I felt like I should tell you because I didn't the other day. Because I know the way I felt when I left you and I didn't want to give the impression that you and I..."

"The impression that you and I could get back together?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, ok… I mean I'm glad you're happy. You're happy?"

"I'm happy."

Walker shook his head accepting her answer.

He wasn't sure what else to say.

He guessed now would be the time to act like a grown up and have a grown up reaction.

"I guess I always rationalized you and Elliot were just close, that you were just partners. But you were always in love with him."

She didn't deny it.

"Walker when I was with you. I was with you. I was in love with you. Elliot was just my partner."

"Olivia… has he ever just been your partner?"

She took a deep breath.

"Maybe not."

"But I meant what I said. I was in love with you. And who knows if things didn't go the way they did maybe they would have worked out."

"But they didn't"

"They didn't"

"And Elliot was there for you when I wasn't?"

"I didn't feel that way. I never thought you abandoned me."

Walker ran his hands over his face.

"So you're together, and you're partners?"

"No… I didn't go back to SVU."

Walker looked at her stunned.

"I told you a lot has changed."

"You loved SVU."

"I just needed a change."

"You're ok Olivia? You really are happy?"

"I'm ok. And Elliot makes me happy."

"Does he know I'm here, does he know you're here with me?"

The lump in her throat

"No."

"I don't guess he would like you hanging around me too much."

"That's why I had to see you."

"To say goodbye."

"To be on the same page."

"I guess I should appreciate you being up front with me. I guess maybe before I confessed my love to you again."

Olivia smiled shyly.

"Olivia. I hope he takes care of you. That he loves you the way I didn't."

She wanted to reach for Walker. She wanted to hug him, assure him that he was a great man. That he didn't wrong her, that if she had another life…

Instead she slid her arms back in to her coat.

Walker stood immediately, helping her.

"So I guess this is it?"

"It is for now."

He nodded unsure if he was allowed to at least hug her good bye.

Olivia didn't leave him to question long before she reached for him, and hugged him.

Her cheek pressing against his cleanly shaven skin.

"I wish you the best Walker."

"I wish the same for you Olivia."

"Have a safe trip back to Chicago ok." She said, with a smile long faded from her face.

He watched her walk away.

Done.

She was certain she held her breath until she stepped out on to the sidewalk.

She wouldn't run, she wouldn't turn around.

She lifted her arm in to the air hailing the next cab.

She had done what she needed to do.

Olivia rested her head against the back of the seat.

Her mind still full of thought replaying what just happened, still full of confessions that needed to be done.

She hadn't cheated.

Her phone rang pulling her back to a coherent state.

El.

A deep breath.

"Hi there." Her voice said breaking from her silence. "Yeah I'm out, just had some errands to run."

He didn't question her. Why would he?

"How's the case going?" The one he came home so angry about a few days ago. "You think you'll get out of there at a decent hour?"

The routine questions to find out how much time she would have to plot how she would confess.

But Elliot would understand her seeing Walker. It was that simple.

"I love you too."

God she did.

She hung up the phone.

Elliot would understand the way everything had happened, how she didn't mean to not tell him she had seen Walker. He would understand because in the end she loved him, all she wanted was him.

Walker was out of her life.

She didn't cheat.

Elliot would understand.

Olivia took a deep breath pressing her head back against the seat of the cab.

She knew Elliot. She knew he wouldn't understand.  
**  
Next Ch. 22 - Pieces**


	22. Chapter 22

**Ch. 22 Shatter**

Olivia was pretty sure she had pathetic down to an art.

She sat, her bare feet dangling out from the hem of her jeans off the side of their bed.

His side of the bed.

She thought to not tell Elliot about Walker.

He wouldn't know.

He would never know.

Only she would.

She thought she would tell Elliot the base of the truth. She would tell him about seeing Walker not once but twice.

She would tell him that he called about of the blue, that she met him in the middle of the day for lunch that turned out to only be for a drink. She would tell him that she met him again this morning for coffee. She saw him again because he was going back to Chicago, and she wanted to say goodbye. She would tell him that she told Walker how she had changed and that she was with him now and to not to worry because she was happy, that he made her happy.

That's what happened.

The simplified, understated, non harsh version of the truth.

Bullshit.

The simplified version was bullshit.

Hey Elliot, remember when you came home the other night and we fucked our brains out? You were pissed at work... well I had spent the day with Walker. Thinking about how I missed him, how touching him sent fire to my skin, reminding me how in love I was with him, then you and I fucked...

She could throw up.

Elliot had called twenty minutes ago asking would she like him to pick up Chinese food.

Olivia agreed optimistically that somewhere between the Beef and Broccoli and the Lo Mein she could confess. Then they would have a nice rational conversation about it and then they could snuggle on the couch.

Bullshit.

She knew Elliot.

He wasn't cool, calm and collective. He wasn't the let's talk it though type.

He was the jealous, testosterone driven, alpha male… that loved her fiercely.

But hinging her relationship on her lack of honesty would surely rear its ugly little head at the most inappropriate time.

Secrets never worked for them.

Her personal life, his marriage and divorce, the Feds, going undercover…

Secrets never worked for them.

He was home. His keys falling to the table, take out looming already though the apartment, his jacket on the empty hook by the door.

"Liv?"

There was no need for a deep breath. It wouldn't calm her.

"Hey" Olivia said giving Elliot a quick kiss. "Thanks for getting dinner."

"Of course." He said already sitting out the paper cartons on the table.

Elliot took note of her appearance.

Her hair falling from her ponytail, her fingers gripping her sleeves, her lip tucked between her teeth.

"How was your day?" Elliot asked suspiciously.

"Ok… ok." She repeated as if to correct herself.

"You sure?"

Olivia nodded her head yes.

Elliot wasn't sure.

"I'll get the plates" Olivia said purposefully "Glass of wine?" She offered, a bottle already in hand.

"Sure."

She poured them both a glass and sat down beside Elliot.

"Thanks for getting dinner."

"You're welcome, but you thanked me already."

"Oh, I did." She said unfocused.

"You're preoccupied with something."

Olivia didn't respond only pushed the food back and forth.

"Liv?"

She rested her chopsticks against her plate.

"Liv? What is it?

"It's nothing… It's stupid."

"Well whatever it is…"

"I had coffee with Walker this morning."

She blurted.

Out of her mouth as if it burned her tongue.

Elliot raised his brow, his eyes never leaving Olivia's.

"Oh…" he said calmly "Walker's in town?"

Truth, tell the truth.

"He's actually been in town a couple of days."

Elliot sat back in his chair.

"We had drinks the other day."

It already sounded worse than it was.

"You've been with him twice?"

"El we just had had a drink, and then coffee…"

"And you didn't think it was necessary to tell me you were seeing him? That it didn't matter?"

"Elliot it doesn't matter."

"It must have since you didn't tell me."

"It was just a drink."

"And a coffee."

Gloves on.

"Why coffee? Why see him again?"

"I'm allowed Elliot to…

"Yes Olivia you are, but you aren't allowed to keep secrets. Especially about seeing a man you didn't have any closure with."

Fuck.

"El we had a drink…"

"When?"

"The other day."

"Did he call you?"

"Elliot."

"I wanna know."

"He called after I went to the precinct the other day. He said he was in town. He wanted to see me…"

"You wanted to see him."

"Yes Elliot I did. You're right I needed closure. I needed to see him." She spat back.

She watched his nostrils flare.

This was going exactly the way she planned.

Unfortunately.

"And you couldn't just say I'm meeting Walker for a drink?"

No she couldn't.

No she didn't.

"Maybe I was avoiding this fight."

"Olivia I would be fine with you seeing Walker. "

"Would you really?"

"Should I not be fine with it?"

"You don't trust me!"

"I do trust you."

"Then why is this such a fucking big deal?"

"You made this a fucking big deal!"

She did.

"Why did you have coffee with him this morning?"

He was a detective.

He knew how to interrogate.

This wasn't your run of a mill investigation.

"I wanted to say goodbye, he's going back to Chicago."

Stick to the plan, stick to the basics.

"So you met him for coffee, what did you talk about?"

"You trust me huh?"

"You have a pattern!" Elliot punched back.

She couldn't breathe.

That was the truth.

All the little truths shattering to the floor.

Her pattern.

To run, to self destruct, to ruin.

A smirk appeared on Olivia's face.

A smirk Elliot hadn't seen in weeks.

The one that said I have no defense, you're right. Fuck you, fuck me.

"What the fuck is this Olivia? What do you think I'm doing here? I love you. And you can't even tell me when you're seeing Walker much less seeing him twice. Do you understand why I'm pissed? Why I'm scared of this?"

"I didn't cheat." She said dryly

Why did that word come from her mouth?

There was no need for that word in this conversation.

"You're feeling mighty guilty about seeing him."

God she did. She did.

"I met him for coffee this morning to tell him goodbye. To tell him that I was with you, that I loved you."

"Why would you have to tell him that?"

Painful. This was grueling and painful.

"Because I didn't want him to think we had a chance of getting back together. I wanted to be clear."

"Clear? So you were you unclear? What happened at the bar?"

Olivia would you like a shovel to help dig that hole?

"Nothing! Nothing happened. I needed to see him. I need for whatever feelings I had to have closure..."

"Feelings you had? Or feelings you have?"

"Elliot don't make this worse. I wanted to see him. I needed to see him. Fuck Elliot the last time I saw him I was pregnant with his baby! I needed to have closure! You have to understand that!"

"I understand that. I don't understand why you didn't tell me, why you didn't tell me twice! For all I know you fucked him and now you feel guilty… "

"Fuck you Elliot! I didn't cheat on you!"

"How do I know?"

"Because I said I didn't!"

"You may not have fucked him physically, but it sure feels like mentally you have. Am I wrong?"

"I told him I loved you. I told him goodbye."

"You didn't answer the question Olivia!"

"I didn't cheat Elliot!"

Elliot shook his head and walked away from her towards the door.

"Elliot."

Elliot put on his jacket and then turned to look at her.

Her bare feet, her arms now folded protectively across her chest.

"I'm not leaving you. I'm not walking away from you, I'm not running Olivia. I just need some air." He said his voice low, calm. Too calm. "I need to walk this off because right now I can't talk about this anymore. I can't be rational. I have to think this through…"

"Elliot will you just understand that I…"

"Don't wait up." He said slamming the door behind him.

This is what she expected.

She liked to ruin things.

Please add this incident to her list of things she does best.

Olivia locked the door, turned out the lights in the apartment. She made her way to the bedroom leaving everything shattered everywhere.

Chinese food, his tie, their relationship… remnants everywhere.

She tugged at her jeans, pushing them to the floor; she crawled in bed staring at the darkness she had left for herself.

She loved Elliot.

This was the life she wanted. Not a life with Walker. She had done what she needed to do to save her life.

And tonight, she would have to lie there with the pieces.

**Next Ch. 23 Scars**


	23. Chapter 23

**Ch. 23 Scars**

He didn't come home.

And she had fallen apart the moment he had walked out the door.

She wasn't sure if she felt better about telling Elliot about Walker or if maybe keeping it from him would have had the same result.

She would still worry; she would still carry the guilt.

But if she hadn't told Elliot at least his feelings would be spared.

And he would still be here with her, lying beside her.

She tossed, turned, cried.

If this was his way of punishing her, it was working.

She convinced herself that she deserved this.

She didn't know where he was, who he was with.

It was a taste of her own medicine.

She had found a way to sabotage what she really wanted. Instead of running, she found a way to push Elliot away, to end up alone again.

Her pattern, her fault.

She cried herself to sleep again.

She awoke this time to the sunrise blaring through the open blinds of the bedroom. He still wasn't lying there beside her.

Instead, he was sitting at the kitchen table, his head buried in his hands, two coffees in front of him.

Plain, black coffee.

Olivia looked around noticing he had thrown out the wasted Chinese food; he had even picked up her jeans from the floor.

He had picked up the pieces that were scattered from last night.

The only reminder was the bruiting man sitting at the table.

She sat down beside him, tugging at the shirt that remained on her from yesterday.

She wasn't sure whose turn it was to speak.

She wasn't owed an explanation at this point.

Elliot looked up at her.

His eyes blood shot, hers swollen and red.

They were both a mess.

Equally tortured by their actions.

Maybe misery did love company.

He slid the spare coffee over to her.

"Thanks" she said her voice barely making any sound at all.

He was hung over.

One too many whiskeys.

"You stayed out all night?" She asked with no reflection in her voice.

As if she had to ask.

"Doc's Pub" was the only explanation he gave.

Olivia watched as he took another sip of coffee.

He was tired; she could tell he was physically hurting.

She wanted to reach for him, she refrained. She wasn't sure if he would allow her to touch him.

"You need Advil?"

"Took some."

"Breakfast?"

He shook his head no.

The conversation was dead.

"So we're not talking?"

A question, not an accusation.

Elliot said nothing, he only concentrated on his coffee.

Olivia abruptly stood up from the table.

"I'm going to take a shower if you wanna lie down. Maybe you'll feel like talking later."

She had spent the night drowning in guilt, drowning in worry.

If he wasn't through being angry, punishing her, then she would allow him to stew on it a little more.

She wouldn't sit there in silence.

She had been in silence all night long, so she left him and his coffee sitting there.

Elliot wasn't ready to talk, not yet. He had drank himself in to a miserable stupor and then roamed the city until the sun started to rise.

He was hung over, he was tired.

He did want to lie down. Just for a few minutes. Just to gather his thoughts, gather all that he had taken in sitting at the corner of a bar all night long.

A lot of whiskey, a little wisdom.

He listened for the sound of the water running, hitting against the tile of the shower. He paced her movements behind the bathroom walls assuring that he had given her enough time to get undressed and under the spray.

He made his way to the bedroom sitting down on the side of the bed. He kicked off his shoes and pulled off his t-shirt. His movements were slow as he laid down where the impression of her body was.

The sheets smelled of her.

He, for a moment knew she would hate that he actually decided to get in bed after being in a bar all night.

He would wash the sheets later.

He would, for her.

He closed his eyes, listening to the water run.

He had all night to think.

Think too much.

He was sure he never really questioned that she cheated on him. Olivia didn't cheat. She was his partner for 12 years, and relentlessly tempted she didn't cheat with him.

Hell, he probably would have given in to her before she would to him.

Olivia was not a cheater.

The part in all of this that punched him in the gut, was this was all apart of her pattern.

The old self destructive pattern.

Run first, end the relationship first, shut down.

The pattern he was certain he could rid her of if he told her how much he loved her, if he showed her enough.

Obviously he hadn't succeeded. Walker was a plot point. He would be how she would ruin things for herself.

How she would try and ruin them.

Elliot opened his eyes as he heard the water being shut off.

He sat up on the edge of the bed.

He loved her.

He had to remind her how much he loved her.

Over and over until she got it.

Until she stopped second guessing herself and what she really wanted.

Elliot made his way in to the bathroom as she was drying off.

He still said nothing as he sat down watching her.

His eyes watching every detail of every move she made.

She didn't care that he was watching her. That she's naked and vulnerable.

At this point she was happy he still cared to be in her presence.

She stopped, wrapping the towel around herself.

Olivia now stood in front of Elliot waiting.

If there are dues to pay, or an argument to be fought she would take him on.

She understood she was the one at fault.

She heard him take a deep breath and watched as Elliot's body settled once again.

Maybe it was her turn to speak.

Maybe he was ready to listen.

She moved in closer, Elliot now in touching distance.

No prepared speech.

"I didn't cheat."

At this point that was her only case.

Elliot looked up at her.

"I believe you." He answered, his voice hoarse.

"I know I was wrong to not tell you about Walker. It escalated…"

"Olivia" Elliot said interrupting her, then looking away.

He didn't want another explanation, a play by play.

She waited once again in silence.

"I was angry when you told me. I was angry you kept seeing Walker from me. But when I calmed down I knew you didn't cheat on me. I realized what scared me was that you were pulling the same ol' shit with me. You were running to Walker, you were conjuring up feelings for him because I don't think you trust what you have here with me. And God Olivia… It would kill me…" He said flatly.

"What?"

"If you told me you wanted Walker and not me. Even if it was just a defense or if you were trying to push me away…"

"Elliot." She said gripping her eyes closed.

"I've been in love with you for so long, I've tried to stay away from you, respect my marriage, respect you. And to have a chance to freely have you, to love you… and then for you say you don't feel for me the way I do for you, it would kill me."

"I do want you, more than anything. I love you. I love you." Olivia said pleadingly.

"Liv I can be irrational and a hothead. I can be stubborn and a son of a bitch, but you Olivia are where I falter, where I'm not so tough. My marriage, my kids, my job, I knew how to handle those things… you, you," he stammered, "I falter, I lose control of everything I understand. I punch walls Olivia, but with you I'm down on my knees. So when you said you had been with Walker I thought the worst. I expected the worst…"

She was crying again.

Tears unapologetically falling down her face.

"Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you expect the worst from me?" She said looking away. "I love you so much. I loved you before I was allowed to. But I fuck things up." She wiped at her tears. " Walker felt like a safe place to run." She admitted. "You and I we're… I don't know, I don't know how to sort out how I can feel so much for you and all that you have promised me. Forever? You want to give me a baby? God Elliot no one has ever offered those things, never looked for me after I ran."

"Liv this is different. We're different. We're not some fling. I'm not just some man that wants to fuck with no strings attached."

"El don't you get it? That person is me. I'm the one who fucks and wants no strings attached. You put me on this pedal stool…"

"I know you Olivia. I know who you are. I know your past. I know why you don't trust, why you don't latch on. I know your scars. And that's what makes me different. I know everything about you and because I do I have no intentions of not running after you. It's just what makes up who you are. It makes up the person I love."

"Why would you love someone like me?"

Her question harsh, simple.

"Not like you. You. I love you."

Elliot pulled Olivia towards him pushing away the cotton of the towel, exposing her bare skin.

Elliot placed his forehead against her belly.

She placed her hand against the back of his head, she stood there, neither of them making a move.

Tears were still streaming down her face.

His fingers began to trace her bare skin as if he could feel her scars under his fingertips.

Not physical, but mental scars of everyone and everything that had left her this way.

She was crying as he touched her.

She needed the release.

Elliot stood up, pulling her against him.

"I don't know why I do all of this. It's like torture."

"Maybe it will just take more time, but you have to trust what we're doing here, and you have to trust what you want. I'm here. I love you. I won't stop loving you."

She wrapped her arms tightly around him.

"I'm so sorry."

"No more apologies ok. Just believe in how much I love you."

Olivia pulled away looking up at Elliot. She leaned in kissing him softly, her lips lingering on his.

"You take a shower." She said giving him a shy smile. "I'll be in bed waiting for you."

**Next Ch. 24 Believing**

24. Therapy what happened. What they need from each other.

**Elliot loved her when she didn't love herself. **


	24. Chapter 24

**Ch 24 Believing**

He had seen Huang before.

Sat on the couch in his office, answered his questions, spilled his feelings about a case, a victim, even Olivia.

But he wasn't sure exactly how to do this, to do this with her.

"Elliot do you understand why you're here today? Why I asked you to be here?"

Elliot took a deep breath; the depth of his body filled the couch beside her.

"Elliot we're here to be honest. We both want you to be honest."

Elliot chewed his bottom lip summing the courage as Olivia and her therapist waited.

"I want her to stop running, stop sabotaging her life." He said in one breath. "I want her to realize how much I love her."

Olivia shuffled.

"Do you understand why she does this?"

Elliot swallowed hard and ran his hands up and down the top of his thighs.

"Because her life has been full of disappointment. She didn't know her father; her mother chose alcohol over her, she lost a baby…" Elliot was physically hurting as the words came out of his mouth. "She's had a lot taken away."

"Why do you think you're any different?"

Olivia sat in complete silence.

Why was he any different?

"I'm not them."

"But how could she know you won't do the same? You won't leave her?"

These questions were asked with purpose.

"I've been with her for thirteen years. Whether I knew it or not I've been in love with her most of those thirteen years. I feel like I can honestly say I wouldn't survive without her. I need her that much."

Olivia had pressed the palm of her hand against her mouth, holding back the sounds ready to seep from her lips.

She cursed the tears that were welling in her eyes.

She needed this truth. She needed someone to dissect why she did what she did. Why she would purposefully ruin her own life.

Hearing those words coming from Elliot's mouth anyone would have thought she had lost her mind. How could she second guess her life with him?

But she needed the truth before she lost the one person she ever really had.

"Olivia? Do you believe Elliot when he says these things?"

Olivia shook her head.

"I do. I believe him."

"Could you believe that Elliot is different from the rest? That he does love you, that he won't leave you."

Olivia never looked at Elliot. She only stared straight ahead; her hands had a slight quiver.

Elliot suddenly reached for her, his fingers intertwined hers.

"I do believe. I have to."

"What do you mean you have to?" Her therapist asked concerned.

"I have to believe he loves me that much, that he's the one that won't leave me. If I don't believe that I have nothing, nothing left."

Her honesty sent chills down his spine.

"Do you feel like that's a lot of pressure to put on Elliot?"

Olivia finally looked over at him. Elliot turned his lips upward.

"He can handle it."

She made a joke. But she didn't laugh.

But she meant it.

"He's put up with me for thirteen years. He knows me. He knows everything about me. My secrets, my fears, he knows everything I've lost. I have to believe he wouldn't give up on me because he never has."

"So if you believe these things why not tell him about Walker?"

Olivia shifted on the couch again, Elliot didn't let go.

Hang on tight, don't let go.

"I, I… When Walker called, I just wanted to see him. I just needed to talk to him. We left things so wide open… And then when I met him I started second guessing myself. I remembered how things were with Walker. Before the baby of course, it was a relationship with no strings attached."

"Do you want a relationship with no strings attached?"

"Maybe I thought I did at that moment. That's the kind of relationship I was used to being in. When it's over it's over. No strings attached. It would be something I could get over. It wouldn't break me."

"As opposed to things being a bit more complicated with Elliot? You're afraid this relationship could break you?"

She said nothing for a moment.

She wanted to laugh out loud. She wanted to rant about how silly this all sounded when she said it out loud. That she must be crazy because this whole conversation was crazy.

"Elliot and I are a good complicated."

"Olivia you do understand that is contradictory to…"

"I know, I know it is, but that's how my brain works. I know he loves me and our past and everything we've been through makes us complicated. But I wouldn't trade that. I wouldn't take my life with him back, not as his partner, his friend and not now."

"Even if it could break your heart?"

Olivia swallowed hard.

"Yes."

Elliot bit at his lip, forcefully keeping himself from protesting.

"So there's one other topic I would like to bring up between the two of you… Can we talk about a having a baby?" Elliot and Olivia both shifted nervously. "Olivia, you and I have talked about this. That is a complicated issue."

"My offer is still on the table." Elliot said speaking up.

"Elliot, do you understand what a huge offer that is? How Olivia might have a hard time accepting the offer?"

"I want her to have everything she wants."

His sincerity was heartbreaking.

"El, you have five kids. You've already done this." She protested.

"But not with you. I haven't done this with you."

She couldn't breathe.

"Olivia any response to that?"

"Maybe it just scares me. Getting everything I want scares me. Getting to have you should be enough."

They could tell she had been telling herself this.

She didn't believe in the fairytale.

She didn't believe in having it all.

"Liv you have me, I'm not going anywhere. And I want to give you what you've always wanted. I want to make you feel the way my kids make me feel. I want to be the one to give that to you."

The therapist let them go back and forth.

"But I'm not sure if it's that easy."

"You've said that before, but what if it is? Why not believe that it is?"

"Elliot, I'm stating the obvious here, but Olivia is having trouble rationalizing you wanting to start over with her. It is quite the noble gesture to want to be responsible for raising another child when you've been there, done that so to speak."

"I get that. And I know what I'm signing up for. Sleepless nights, diaper duty… college tuition alone should knock some sense in to me. But it all is worth it to know that this kid is a part of Olivia. Bringing another person in to this world that might look like her, laugh like her, be as smart and quick witted… the thought of that is overwhelming in such an amazing way. I'm not hesitating."

Tears had started to fall down Olivia's cheeks and Elliot let go of her hand only to wrap his arm around her and to pull her in to his body.

Who in the hell had Elliot Stabler become?

Or maybe this is who he was with her?

She sunk in to his arms.

++++  
It was a quiet walk home.

A mind full of thoughts, a mouth full of empty words.

By the time they had gotten home it seemed that both of their emotions had begun to unravel.

Elliot sat down on the couch, turning on the TV.

Noise was good.

Olivia had disappeared in to the bedroom leaving them both a moment alone.

Therapy was good.

Saying all of those things was good.

But it was emotionally draining.

Olivia re-appeared, she had undressed and put on one of Elliot's old t-shirts.

His t-shirt that she had claimed long before they were lovers.

Elliot looked up at her, as he reached for her.

Olivia crawled on to Elliot's lap, his hands resting at her hips.

"I love you," she said placing a soft kiss to his lips. "I think today was good. I needed today." She said reassuring him.

"We needed today." He corrected. "And I love you too."

Olivia kissed him once again, this time more passionately.

"El."

"Yeah?"

"I'm not going to try and ruin this. I'm not running anymore. I believe we can do this."

"And I'm not going anywhere and I won't break your heart. I would never…"

"I knew you wanted to protest when she said that."

"Liv I would never hurt you on purpose."

"I know, I know." She said kissing him once again.

Elliot pulled her hips closer to him.

"El."

"Yeah?"

"I stopped taking the pill."

Elliot's eyes widened.

"When?"

"Only about a week ago…" She said biting her lip. "Are you sure you're ok with that?"

"I'm ok with that," he said with a grin.

"El."

"Yeah?" he answered once again, playing her game.

Olivia leaned in kissing up his jaw line until she reached the lobe of his ear.

"Make Love to me."

**Next Ch. 25 Unexpected**


	25. Chapter 25

Ch. 25 Unexpected

For the first time since the death of her mother Olivia knew she would not spend Christmas alone.

Last year she had spent Christmas with Walker, but even then she felt uncertain about her "plans" until they discussed it.

This year she knew where she would be, who she would be with.

Olivia never thought her biggest issue for the holiday would be not having enough room for everyone.

Olivia's apartment that had become Elliot and Olivia's apartment was fine for them, but an apartment stuffed with five kids would be a bit tight to say the least.

It wasn't a terrible problem to have.

"We need to get a tree." Elliot said looking around the room as if he were searching for the perfect spot.

"Um yeah, I guess we do" Olivia said agreeing.

"Do you have ornaments or should we buy new ones?" He asked lost in thought.

Elliot noticed when she didn't answer immediately.

She looked at him feeling a bit embarrassed.

"Oh, no ornaments?" Elliot said catching himself.

It was the little things...

"You've never had a Christmas tree?" He asked reluctantly.

"I've had a Christmas tree before El… just not in my adult life."

Elliot looked at her as if he were devastated.

"It's ok, I just never needed one."

It was these moments, these conversations where he wanted to say, "yes Olivia you did need a Christmas tree. You deserved to have a tree and a family to celebrate the holiday with".

Instead, he said nothing.

"Well..." Elliot said raising his voice in encouragement, "you need one now. Cause kids expect Christmas trees no matter how old they are."

Olivia gave him a soft grin.

"You ok with that? I mean we're going to have to get a tree, decorate it, take it down, and do all this holiday crap year after year?"

"Yeah, I think I'm ok with that." She said her grin now wide.

She was ok with that.

It represented all she ever wanted.

Elliot pulled her close, kissing her against the temple of her head.

"Oh I have to show you the sweater I bought Maureen!" She said slipping from his arms.

Elliot let her go watching her sudden excitement as Olivia pulled out the shopping bag from the hall closet.

Olivia returned, holding up a navy cashmere sweater to Elliot.

"I love it! You don't love it?" She said suddenly disappointed at the look on his face.

"No, no it's a really nice sweater it's just you got her a cashmere sweater?"

"Elliot, Maureen is an adult, she has a good job. She needs nice clothes... I thought she would love it." She said justifying the gift.

Elliot smiled and then shook his head. "Good thing they have you. I'm obviously clueless."

"No, women just pay more attention! I think she will love it." Olivia said as she folded the sweater and put it back in to the bag.

"Liv she will definitely love it."

He was pleased that she cared so much for his children. He was pleased his children loved her.

Olivia stashed the bag back in the hallway closet and Elliot disappeared in to the bedroom.

"El? Where did you go?"

"Come here for a sec." He called from the bedroom.

Olivia made her way to where Elliot was sitting on the bed.

"What are you doing?" She asked suspiciously.

"I wanted to give you something."

"Ok." she said standing in front of him, still suspicious of why he suddenly was acting so odd.

"Actually I wanted to give you something before you saw the kids because well Elizabeth can't keep her mouth shut and it would ruin the gift and then she and Dickie would fight... you get where I'm going with this."

Olivia laughed.

"Ok."

Elliot stood up pulling a little red box with a white bow tied around it from behind his back.

"What is it?"

Elliot grinned.

"Open it."

"El?" She said nervously.

"Liv, just open it." He said amused.

Olivia pulled the ribbon from the box and gently lifted the top to the treasure she would find.

She had stopped breathing.

"Liv?" Elliot questioned.

He wasn't sure if he would have to catch her or run after her.

"Do you like it?"

She wasn't sure if she had taken a breath yet.

"It's, it's stunning." She said starring down at the oval cut diamond ring.

Elliot grinned as he pulled her towards him.

"It was my mothers."

"El" was all she said again, as she had yet to take her eyes from the ring.

"I went to see my mother about a month ago. I told her about us. You know she loved you from the moment she met you… I guess I just really wanted to tell her I had gotten it together. That I had finally stopped hesitating and I finally told you how much I love you."

Olivia swallowed hard, listening intently.

"She told me she was glad I stopped being a fool, and that she was glad I finally made a decision with my heart instead of my hard head. She pulled this ring off of her finger and said I would know what to do with it."

Olivia gave Elliot a quick, nervous smile.

"I only carried it around in my pocket long enough to take it to the jewelry store to get it sized for you. I knew exactly what to do with it."

Elliot squeezed Olivia's hand assuring her that he was certain of what he was doing.

"I don't want this to be too much for you, too soon. But this ring belongs to you Olivia. And you can wear it or you can put it away, but it belongs to you, if only to remind you that I love you and always will."

Elliot watched her chest rise and fall, her hands tremble beneath his.

He studied the look on her face and then took the box from her hand.

"You can put it away if you'd like, if it's too soon" he reminded.

Olivia bit at her bottom lip.

"So, so the kids, they know that you're giving this to me? You said Elizabeth…"

"They know."

"They're ok with this? I mean I don't want to…"

"They love you Olivia." He reassured her.

"You wanna give this to me? I mean it belongs to your mother and…"

"My mother wants you to have it. I want to give it to you. This ring belongs to no one else but you."

Tears fell to her cheeks. She was too overcome with emotion to stop them.

Elliot lifted the ring from the box.

Elliot held it out to her and her trembling fingers reached for the white gold band.

She held it in the palm of her hand for a moment then closed her fingers around it as if she were making sure it was tangible and real.

Elliot sat back down on the bed still watching her, but giving her space.

He knew he would always have to give her space.

She had her own timing.

She didn't say anything.

He wasn't sure what was going through her head.

But the ring belonged to her.

She could do what she wished whether it be what he hoped for or not.

She had her own timing.

Olivia slowly sat down beside Elliot on the bed, so close her thigh melded in to his.

She sat there beside him for a moment, still in silence.

He just sat there beside her.

"El?"

Elliot turned to look at her.

He hated he was waiting for the worst. Waiting for her to tell him it was too much, too soon and that she appreciated the sentiment but she didn't want the ring. At least not right now.

The worst.

"You know I never thought about what kind of ring I would want… I mean it just never mattered I guess. And this ring, it's really beautiful."

Here is where she gives it back.

Where she can't accept it.

"I also never really thought about how I wanted to be proposed to. You know how some women know? How they plan it all out in their head?"

Elliot let out a breathy laugh. He understood.

Some women did.

"I never thought about any of that."

She didn't.

"Liv that's ok."

She shook her head, understanding it was.

"I just never thought it would be like this."

"Like this?" Elliot questioned suddenly wishing maybe he should have gone about this another way.

God, he's scared her.

He watched her swallow hard and then he watched as her back straightened as if she had lifted the weight of the world.

Suddenly Olivia stood up she walked to the other side of the bedroom and then back to him.

She was pacing.

He let her go back and forth a few times as she gripped the ring tightly in the palm of her hand.

"Liv?"

She stopped with the sound of her name, looking at Elliot.

She wiped the tears from her face, composing herself.

Elliot wanted her to just say what she needed to say.

"I think we should get married," she blurted.

The words fell from her lips.

Elliot's eyes widened.

"Olivia Benson, are you asking me to marry you?" He said with a grin, even teasing her.

"Doesn't it make sense? I mean us, together... we both want this forever thing so we should just get married."

She was talking it through.

She didn't need to convince Elliot.

"That's kind of what I was going for with the whole ring thing. I just thought..."

"You just thought that it would scare the shit out of me?"

"I didn't want to scare the shit out of you." He said amused.

"Sure it scares me, but I think I've protested enough. I know what I want. I want you."

"You wanna be my wife?" he said grinning.

"I wanna be your wife," she said as her face lit up.

"So you're not getting down on one knee to ask me?" Elliot joked.

"Don't push your luck!"

Elliot grabbed Olivia pulling her back towards him.

"And we're not doing any of that traditional wedding stuff... except for the ring." She stated matter of fact.

"So you will wear the ring?" Elliot teased.

Olivia held out her hand holding the ring that had been piercing her palm, she had been holding it so tight.

Elliot took the ring from her.

He reached for Olivia's hand.

"I know you don't want all the traditional stuff, but I would like to do this properly." Elliot said as dropped down on one knee.

"Olivia you became my partner, you became my best friend, and then you became the woman I couldn't live without by my side. Liv, putting this ring on your finger means that I will always be by your side; it means that you will never be alone; it means that there will always be at least one person that loves you more than anyone else." Elliot leaned in kissing her bare ring finger. "Olivia will you be my wife? Will you marry me?"

Olivia was shaking her head yes before the words could form on her lips.

"Yes, yes I'll marry you."

Elliot slid the ring on her finger and it sparkled against her olive skin.

He stood and Olivia pressed her palms against his cheeks, instantly pulling him in to a kiss.

"I love you." She said kissing him again as she looked in to his eyes. "I never expected any of this, that I would get everything I've wanted for so long."

Elliot kissed her once again.

"Well you haven't gotten everything yet, but we'll work on that." He said backing her on to the bed.

The End.


End file.
